I have a feeling I know what people will tell me and that I wont like what they have to say but I need at the very least to write this out and express my feelings.
So I've had trauma and depression since childhood and in my 20's I abused alcohol and drugs [mostly psychedelics' and some xanax], I had horrible depression. At times I couldnt really see colour or taste food, at times my drinking was so bad I barely ate. Very unstable. Frankly the only reason I didnt end up homeless or dead was that I happened to know other traumatized alcoholics and drug addicts and we co dependently saw eachother through the hard times. My best friend in that particular category overdosed just after the pandemic and that was that. I have poor relations with my family [I do talk to one sister] and only a couple friends left. Those friends are actually pretty stable, though one has kind of a drinking problem as I do.
I went into a pre apprentice trades program as part of Welfare; most of the participants are ex criminals or addicts. I met a girl. She was extroverted, wild, friendly, still using too much coke and things like that but on anti depressants, resolute to raise her son and get him back, stay away from criminals and stay away from the drug trade. For someone whos only ambition was to sleep as much as I could for as long as I could, the fact that she wants a red seal for carpentry and wants to open up a shelter for abused children really impressed me, it made me admire her even. We both had similar backgrounds in that respect only she had a far worse life and still wanted and wants a normal one. Maybe im just desperate and lonely but it really hit me to meet someone I liked who I understood who impressed me.
Anyway; during the program we gradually became friends. Not the best of friends, just friends. And she would flirt with me some as well-- as I said a wild girl so its hard to interpret the flirting, and she said she wanted no man just to raise her son. most of her friends are guys. She wanted to hang out and do shrooms but I was busy, so I invited her over a while later and she accepted. But she got depressed on the weekend and never came down; we continued to hang out but she flirted noticably less. Honestly her friend had just died and a lot of other friends in jail and to be frank I was probably being a self absorbed asshole even to invite her down, but I was excited to see her. About a week ago she got full custody of her kid back and is therefore very busy and mentioned it.
After that the program went online mostly, and she skipped a few days for the funeral and drinking, things like that. I ran into her again on the last day and as we had done previously we hung out with eachother most of the day. We ate lunch (where to give an indication of the relationship in some way; were close enough that while waiting for the food she rested her head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around her] grabbed some booze and drank for a couple hours. I asked her if she ever wanted to hang out after the program and she paused for a second to think and then answered: "sure, we both live in the same city unlike those other wackos, we can hang out. but id probably have to bring my son along" Not a word for word accurate quote but its close enough. So right there I, in all honesty from a point of self consciousness, am not sure how to take that. Hesitating because she didnt want to? hesitating because she was thinking out the structure of her life? my impression of her is always that shes fond of me and a very open person, but I make bad decisions and calls. So to my ear saying 'my son might be there' is an honest concession to the fact that shes a single mom and in a sense the willingness to hang out with me and her son is a good sign, yes? But I cant get it out of my head its a bad one.
This is where I am quite embarrassed: The last time we drank together this girl got way too drunk and ended up pissing in some water cups and throwing them out the window of the bus. She didnt get in trouble cause she was further to the back, it all worked out. Yesterday on said bus though I was the one who was way too drunk [and a bit high on coke] and so I pissed into a water bottle-- which I slightly overfilled because it was hard to judge and a bit of piss was on the cap, which I then tightened and threw out the window lol. Ofc the bus driver noticed because im a dumb fuck, and kicked me and the girl off the bus -- at least I think thats what happened, I know we both left but in all honesty my memory is sketchy and I wasnt paying attention.
Long story short im pretty sure I heard the girl say something like 'you got some piss on me' holy fuck my soul shattered into a million pieces. Again as a preface; she seems non judgmental and is more than a little crazy-- drugs, things like that. She burned her arm with cigarettes the other day just as a dare to see who could withstand more pain between her and her friend. So I honestly have NO idea how something like that would be received. A regular person absolutely would call me fucking pathetic [trust me...I know im pathetic] and would want nothing to do with me after that. Maybe shes different?
On the way back home stumbling drunk I texted her 'your cool, text me if you ever wanna hang out' and no reply. Again she just got her kid back and has been saying shes too busy to text people-- she even had an argument with someone who thought he was being ghosted.
Honestly what the fuck do I do:
-I cant stop going over this in my head and tearing myself apart. I really liked her and I feel like I shot myself in the foot to the point where I cant salvage it. The programs over and im honestly not even sure how I can communicate with her. Should I apologize? Do I call her up? Should I wait a few days?
-I am if im being completely honest interested in dating her--- but I dont want to be, because she said she just wanted friends, and I do want to be her friend, and I dont want to be that fucking dishonest simp asshole whos resenting her and sitting on the sidelines. I want the crush to go away because she seems like someone I could be best friends with
-I am also aware that line of reasoning sounds precariously like I love her or something, and im not sure if the feelings will go away
-I'm also just not sure if shes good for me or im good for her. I know that since ive met her ive enjoyed waking up and most of my instincts and things I do are shared with her, and I always have felt like a wild fucking loser who no one understood
-All ive done today is walk around trying to distract myself from this.
-Assuming she isnt mad at me and im just neurotic and mentally ill [definitely]; then how or what should I do in going about hanging out with her? I've never been an adult before, only a drunken loser and a petty thief. Is the subtext of hanging out with a woman and her kid that its a date? Should I just ask a generic thing like 'do you wanna drink and hang out?'
Or maybe im just barking up the wrong tree and shes not even very interested me as a friend, I donno.

* I split all splitable codes; so, please ONLY redeem what we agree upon. Thanks in advance!
****DISNEY HD SPLIT CODES (**port to MA)
101 Dalmations 1961 (GP)
Aladdin 1992 Animated (GP)
Aladdin Live Action (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Aladdin Live Action (GP)
Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Bad Day (MA)
Ant-man (GP)
Avengers Age of Ultron (GP)
Avengers Age of Ultron (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Avengers Infinity War (GP)
Avengers Infinity War (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Bambi (iTunes)
Beauty and the Beast Animated (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Big Hero Six (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Captain America First Avenger (GP)
Captain America First Avenger (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Captain America Winter Soldier (GP)
Captain Marvel (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Cars 3 (GP)
Cars 3 (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Cinderella 2015 (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Finding Dory (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Finding Nemo 4K (MA)
Frozen (GP)
Frozen (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Frozen Sing a Long Edition (GP)
Frozen Sing a Long Edition (MA)
Frozen 2 (MA) 4K
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1 (GP)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (GP)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Hercules 1997 (GP)
Inside Out (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Into The Woods (MA)
Iron Man 2 (GP)
Iron Man 3 (GP)
Iron Man 3 (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Jungle Book 2016 (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
The Lion King Animated (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
The Lion King Live Action (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Maleficent (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Maleficent (GP)
Maleficent Mistress of Evil (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Mary Poppins 1964 (MA)
Mary Poppins Returns (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Million Dollar Arm (GP)
Monsters University (GP)
Mulan 1998 (MA) 4K
Muppets Most Wanted (MA)
Onward 4K (MA)
Oz The Great and Powerful (iTunes)
Oz The Great and Powerful (GP)
Petes Dragon 2016 (iTunes)
Pinocchio (iTunes)
Planes (GP)
Planes (MA)
Planes Fire and Rescue (GP)
Planes Fire and Rescue (MA)
Queen of Katwe (iTunes)
Return to Neverland: Peter Pan (MA)
Saving Mr. Banks (MA)
Sleeping Beauty 1959 (GP)
Spies in Disguise 4K (MA)
Spies in Disguise (GP)
Star Wars Rogue One (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Star Wars The Force Awakens (GP)
Star Wars The Force Awakens (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Star Wars The Last Jedi 4K (MA)
Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker (GP)
Super Buddies (GP)
The BFG (iTunes)
The Finest Hours (GP)
The Good Dinosaur (MA) (iTunes redeems 4K)
The Little Mermaid 4K (MA)
The Little Mermaid 2 Return to the Sea (iTunes)
The Little Mermaid 3 Ariels Beginnings (iTunes)
The Lone Ranger (GP)
The Lone Ranger (MA)
The Nightmare Before Christmas (MA)
The Pirate Fairy (MA)
Thor (GP)
Thor (MA) (iTunes redeems 4K)
Thor Ragnarock (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast (GP)
Tomorrowland (MA)
Toy Story 4 (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Wall-E (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
Zootopia (GP)
Zootopia (iTunes) (redeems 4K)
SONY BUFF PASS x1 (Choose 1 of the following options...)
Annie (1982)
Armored
Boogeyman 2
Buck and the Preacher
Julie & Julia
Little Man
Not Another Teen Movie (4K)
Starship Troopers (4K)
The Suburbans (SD)
To Sir, With Love (4K)
HD CODES (VUDU or MA)
007 Skyfall (vudu/GP)
2 Fast 2 Furious (MA)
47 Ronin (MA)
A Dogs Purpose (MA)
A Good Day To Die Hard Extended (MA)
A Quiet Place (VUDU HD/iTunes 4K)
American Girl Isabella Dances into the Spotlight (MA)
American Girl McKenna Shoots for the Stars (MA)
America Imagine The World Without Her (VUDU)
American Made 2017 (MA)
American Reunion Unrated (MA)
Anchorman 2 (VUDU split)
Annie 2014 SD (MA)
Apollo 13 (MA) Split
Atlas Shrugger Part 3 (MA)
Babylon (Vudu 4k/iTunes 4K)
Bad Grandpa: Jackass Presents (VUDU split)
Barbie and her Sisters in A Pony Tale (MA)
Barbie and the Secret Door (MA)
Barbie in Princess Power (MA)
Barbie in the Pink Shoes (MA)
Barbie Mariposa and the Fairy Princess (MA)
Barbie Starlight Adventure (MA)
Battleship (MA)
Ben Hur 2016 (vudu split)
BlackHat (MA split)
Bones and All 2023 (Vudu)
Book Club (VUDU split)
Buttons A Christmas Tale (Vudu split)
Captain Underpants The First Epic Movie (MA)
Concussion (MA) SD
Cult of Chucky unrated (MA) split
Curse of Chucky unrated (MA) split
Daddy's Home (VUDU split)
Daddy's Home 2 (VUDU split)
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (MA) (redeems 4K iTunes)
Deadpool (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Despicable Me 1 (MA)
Despicable Me 2 (MA)
Despicable Me 3 (MA)
Diary of a Wimpy Kid Dog Days (MA)
Divergent (SD) (VUDU)
Dracula Untold (MA)
Dragonheart Battle For The Heartfire (MA split)
Dredd (Vudu)
Dr. Seuss's The Lorax (MA)
Dungeons and Dragons Honor Among Thieves (Vudu HD/iTunes 4K)
Eddie The Eagle (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Ender's Game (VUDU split)
Epic (MA)
E.T. (MA)
Everest ( MA) split
The Fast and Furious 2001 (MA)
Fast and Furious 2009 (MA)
Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift 2006 (MA)
Fast Five Extended Edition 2011 (MA)
Fast & Furious 6 Extended Edition (MA)
The Fast and Furious 2017 Theatrical (MA)
The Fast and Furious 2017 Extended (MA)
Furious 7 Extended Edition (MA)
Fences (Vudu split)
Fifty Shades of Grey unrated (MA)
Flashdance (Vudu 4K)
Flight (vudu split)
Foxcatcher (MA)
Friday the 13th Part 3 (Vudu/iTunes)
Get Out (MA)
G.I. Joe Retaliation (vudu split)
Hail, Cesar! (MA)
Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters unrated (Vudu split)
Heaven is for real SD (MA)
Hercules 2014 (vudu split)
Home Alone (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Hop (MA)
Hotel Transylvania SD (MA)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2000 (MA)
Hunger Games (Vudu)
Hunger Games Catching Fire (Vudu)
Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 (vudu)
Ice Age Continental Drift (MA)
Interstellar (VUDU split)
Jackass 3 (Vudu Split)
Jack Reacher (Vudu split)
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit (vudu split)
Jason Bourne (MA)
Jaws (MA)
John Wick 1 (HD Vudu/4K iTunes)
John Wick 3 (vudu/GP/iTunes 4K)
Jurassic Park (MA)
Jurassic Park The Lost World (MA)
Jurassic Park 3 (MA)
Jurassic World (MA)
Katy Perry The Movie (vudu split)
Kingsman The Secret Service (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Kung Fu Panda 3 (MA)
Last Knights (SD) (Vudu)
Les Miserables 2012 (MA)
Life of Pi (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Love Actually (MA) SD
Lucy (MA) 4K
Madagascar 3 Europes Most Wanted (MA)
Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (MA) 4K
Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas (MA) split
Minions (MA)
Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (vudu split)
Mission Impossible Rogue Nation (Vudu split)
Mission Impossible Fallout (vudu split)
Monster High Electrified (MA)
Monster HIgh Fright ON (MA)
Monster High: Welcome to Monster High (MA)
Mother! (Vudu split)
Mr Peabody and Sherman (MA)
Nebraska (Vudu split)
Noah (vudu split)
Non Stop (MA)
No Strings Attached (VUDU split)
Oblivion (MA)
Office Christmas Party (VUDU) split
Only The Brave (MA)
Olympus Has Fallen (MA)
Pain and Gain (vudu split)
Paper Towns (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 1 (vudu split)
Paranormal Activity 2 unrated (Vudu split)
Paranormal Activity 3 extended (Vudu split)
Paranormal Activity 4 unrated (Vudu Split)
Parental Guidance (MA)
Penguins of Madagascar (MA)
Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters (MA)
Perks of Being A Wallflower (vudu)
Pitch Perfect 1 (MA)
Pitch Perfect 2 (MA)
Pitch Perfect 3 (MA)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (HD VUDU/4K iTunes)
Rango (VUDU split)
Red 2 (SD) (VUDU)
Ride Along (MA)
Rio 2 (MA)
R.I.P.D. (MA)
Rise of the Guardians (VUDU)
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Runner, Runner (MA)
Safe House (MA)
Sausage Party (MA)
Scream 2022 (Vudu HD/iTunes 4K)
Selma (vudu split)
Sherlock Gnomes (Vudu split)
Silent Night, Deadly Night Collection 3,4,5 (Vudu)
Sing (MA)
Sisters (MA)
Snatched (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Snow White and the Huntsman (MA)
Son of God (MA)
Split (MA) 4K
Start Trek 4 The Voyage Home (VUDU HD/iTunes 4K)
Star Trek Beyond (Vudu split)
Star Trek Into Darkness (Vudu split)
Straight Outta Compton Dir Cut (MA split)
Suburbicon (Vudu split)
Super 8 (VUDU split)
Super Mario Bros Movie 2023 (MA 4K)
Taken 2 (MA)
Ted unrated (MA)
Ted 2 unrated (MA)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 (vudu split)
Terminator Dark Fate 4K (vudu split)
The Adventures of Tin Tin (Vudu split)
The Amazing Spiderman 2 (MA)
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (MA)
The Big Short (VUDU split)
The Boss Baby (MA) (4K through iTunes)
The Boss Unrated (MA)
The Bourne Identity (MA)
The Bourne Legacy (MA)
The Bourne Supremacy (MA)
The Bourne Ultimatum (MA)
The Croods (MA)
The Dark Tower (MA)
The Dentist Collection 1,2 (Vudu)
The Dictator (VUDU split)
The Dilemma (MA)
The Fault in our Stars (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
The Gambler (Vudu split)
The Girl On The Train (MA)
The Guilt Trip (Vudu split)
The Heat 2013 (MA)
The Impossible (Vudu)
The Internship (MA)
The Last Stand SD (Vudu split)
The Mummy 2017 (MA)
The Mummy Dragon of the Tomb Emporer (MA)
The Other Woman (MA)
The Purge 2013 (MA split)
The Purge: Election Year (MA) split
The Scorpion King 4 Quest For Power (MA) split
The Secret Life of Pets (MA)
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (MA)
The Sponge Bob Movie Sponge out of Water (VUDU split)
The Wolf of Wallstreet (VUDU split)
The Wolverine Extended (MA)
This is 40 theatrical (MA)
Top Gun (vudu split)
Transformers Dark of the Moon (vudu split)
Transformers Age of Extinction (Vudu split)
Transformers The Last Knight (Vudu split)
Tremors A Cold Day in Hell (MA)
True Grit (VUDU split)
Turbo (MA)
Unbroken (MA)
Unfriended (MA)
Warcraft ( MA)
War For the Planet of the Apes (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
Warm Bodies (VUDU split)
What to Expect When You're Expecting (vudu split)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Vudu split)
World War Z (Vudu split)
X-Men Days of Future Past (MA) (redeems 4K through iTunes)
X-Men Trilogy (One Code) (MA) (X-Men 2000, United, Last Stand)
XXX Return of Xander Cage (Vudu split)
TV SHOWS HD (Will trade for single movie)
Game of Thrones Season 2 (iTunes redeem)
Game of Thrones Season 3 (iTunes redeem)
ITUNES HD CODES unless otherwise stated
A Quiet Place (redeems 4K) Split
Alien Covenant (redeems 4K)
Alvin and the Chipmunks The Road Trip (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Anchorman 2 The Legend Continues (split)
Bad Grandpa Jackass Presents (split)
Ben Hur 2016 (split redeems 4K)
Captain Underpants The First Epic Movie (ports to MA)
Cowboys and Aliens (ports to MA)
Daddy's Home (split redeems 4K)
Daddy's Home 2 (split redeems 4K)
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Deadpool (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Despicable Me 2 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Diary of A Wimpy Kid (ports to MA)
Dredd (redeems 4K)
Dr. Seuss' The Lorax (ports to MA)
Eddie the Eagle (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Exodus Gods and Kings (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Fast and Furious 6 extended 2013 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Fifty Shades of Grey (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Friday the 13th Part 3
G I Joe Retaliation (split) (redeems 4K)
Hansel and Gretal Witch Hunters
Hercules 2014 (split redeems 4K)
Hidden Figures (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Home Alone (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Home Alone 2 (ports to MA)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2000 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K split)
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Hugo (Split redeems 4K)
Hunger Games (split redeems 4K)
Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 (split redeems 4K)
Ice Age (ports to MA)
Ice Age 5 Collision Course (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Identity Thief (ports to MA)
Independence Day Resurgence (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Interstellar (split redeems 4K)
Jack Reacher (split) (redeems 4K)
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit (split redeems 4K)
Jason Bourne (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Jurassic World (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Keeping Up With The Joneses (porst to MA) (redeems 4K)
Kingsman The Secret Service (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Kingsman The Golden Circle (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Kung Fu Panda 3 (ports to MA)
Les Miserables 2012 (ports to MA)
Lets Be Cops (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Logan (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Lucy (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
MikE and Dave need Wedding Dates (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Minions (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (split redeems 4K)
Mission Impossible Rogue Nation (split redeems 4K)
Mission Impossible Fallout (split redeems 4K)
Miss Peregrines Home For Peculiar Children (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Monster High 13 Wishes (ports to MA)
Monster High: Welcome to Monster High (ports to MA)
Mr Peabody and Sherman (ports to MA)
Nebraska (split)
Neighbors (ports to MA)
Night at the Museum Secret of the Tomb (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Noah (split)
Oblivion (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Office Christmas Party (redeems 4K)
Paranormal Activity 1 (split)
Paranormal Activity 2 (split)
Pitch Perfect 1 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Pitch Perfect 2 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Playing with Fire (redeems 4K)
Poltergeist 2015 Extended Cut (ports to MA)
Rise of the Planet of the apes (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Safe House (ports to MA)
Schindlers List (ports to MA) (redeems 4K) split
Selma (split)
Serenity 2005 (ports to MA)
Sisters unrated (ports to MA)
Snatched (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Snow White and the Huntsman (ports to MA)
Spectre (redeems 4K)
Spy unrated (ports to MA)
Star Trek Beyond (redeems 4K)
Star Trek Into Darkness (redeems 4K)
Super 8 (redeems 4K split)
Ted (ports to MA)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 (redeems 4K)
The Best Man Holiday (ports to MA)
The Big Short
The Book of Life (ports to MA)
The Boss Baby (ports to MA)
The Bourne Legacy (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The BoxTrolls (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Change up (ports to MA)
The Fault In Our Stars (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Gambler (split)
The Last Stand (SD)
The Longest Ride (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Martian (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Maze Runner (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Maze Runner The Scorch Trials (ports to MA) (redeems 4k)
The Peanuts Movie (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (ports to MA)
The Secret Life of Pets (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
The SpongeBob Movie Sponge Out of Water (Split)
The Wolf of Wall Street (split redeems 4K)
Transformers Age of Extinction (split redeems 4K)
Transformers The Last Knight (split redeems 4K)
Trolls (ports to MA)
True Grit (redeems 4K)
Unbroken (ports to MA)
War for the Planet of the Apes (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Warm Bodies (split redeems 4K)
Waterworld (ports to MA split redeems 4K)
Wild 2014 (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
Why him (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
World War Z (split)
X-Men Apocalypse (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
X-Men Days of Future Past (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
X-Men Days of Future Past ROGUE CUT (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
X-Men First Class (ports to MA) (redeems 4K)
X-Men Origins Wolverine (ports to MA)
XXX Return of Xander Cage (redeems 4K)
ITUNES XML (SD) Redeems
A Nightmare On Elm Street 2010 (ports to MA)
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (ports to MA)
Alien vs Predator Requiem (ports to MA)
Alpha and Omega
Alvin and the Chipmunks The Movie (ports to MA)
Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squekeul (ports to MA)
Alvin and the Chipmunks Chip Wrecked (ports to MA)
Another Earth (ports to MA)
Arthur (ports to MA)
Babylon A.D. (ports to MA)
Black Swan (ports to MA)
Bridesmaids (ports to MA)
Chronicle (ports to MA)
Chronicles of Narnia Voyage of Dawn Treader (ports to MA)
Crank 2
Crazy Stupid Love (ports to MA)
Date Night (ports to MA)
Daybreakers
Diary of A Wimpy Kid (ports to MA)
Diary of a Wimpy Kid Rodrick Rules (ports to MA)
Doc McStuffins Friendship is the best Medicine
Dr Deuss Horton Hears A Who (ports to MA)
Due Date (ports to MA)
E.T. (ports to MA)
Fame 2009
Family Guy It's A Trap
Family Guy Something Something Darkside
Final Destination 5 (ports to MA)
From Paris With Love
Hall Pass (ports to MA)
Hangover Part 2 (ports to MA)
Hall Pass (ports to MA)
Hereafter (ports to MA)
Hitman 2007 (ports to MA)
Horrible Bosses (ports to MA)
Ice Age A Mammoth Christmas (ports to MA)
Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs (ports to MA)
IMAX Hubble (ports to MA)
Jake and the Neverland Pirates Peter Pan Returns
Jumper (ports to MA)
Juno (ports to MA)
Kick-Ass
Knight and Day (ports to MA)
Love and Other Drugs (ports to MA)
Mamma Mia The Movie (ports to MA)
Marley and Me (ports to MA)
Mr Poppers Penguins (ports to MA)
My Bloody Valentine
Orphan (ports to MA)
Percy Jackson The lightning Thief (ports to MA)
Phineas and Ferb The Perry Files
Predators 2010 (ports to MA)
Prometheus (ports to MA)
Public Enemies (ports to MA)
Rio (ports to MA)
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (ports to mA)
Robin Hood (russel crowe) (ports to MA)
Saw The Final Chapter
Secret of the Wings (ports to MA)
Something Borrowed (ports to MA)
Strawberry Shortcake Berry Bitty Mysteries (ports to MA)
Taken (ports to MA)
The A Team (ports to MA)
The Croods (ports to MA)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (keanu) (ports to MA)
The Descendants (Clooney) (ports to MA)
The Expendables
The Eye
The Forbidden Kingdom
The Help (ports to MA)
The Mummy Tomb of the Dragon Emporer (ports to MA)
The Sitter (ports to MA)
The Spirit
The Watch
The Means War (ports to MA)
Transporter 3
Unknown (ports to MA)
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I was in conversation with another member today. We were sharing nofap experiences and I didn't even realise when I got carried away and just wrote up an entire testimony. Thought it might be good encouragement for the sub. Feel free to read if you want, here's what I wrote:
Wow, you know, it's so strange hearing other people's testimonies in this matter. Everybody's journey through this issue is similar but different in key areas and fuelled by different insecurities and shortcomings. For example, what you said about you conflating your penis size with true masculinity is something I can never relate to but that's because my journey through this addiction was different to yours. Hippie christians like to say that there are many ways to God but I only find the opposite to be true. Many ways to Satan and the destruction that lays in wait for the unwary. Many ways but one destination.
My journey with PMO was different. When I was about 8 my family emigrated to the UK and I started attending primary school in London. Looking back, this was a stressful time in my life. I was barely fitting in my school back in my home country because of the restrictive bringing up that I received from my dad. Relating to peers was always difficult for me because I didn't watch/play the same movies/games as everybody else, we had no TV at home, I had no interest in sport, etc... Transferring schools to a foreign country had it's toll. I was faced with a whole new culture. Kids interacted differently here, they were louder, bolder, more disrespectful towards teachers, wasted food, etc... I was struggling to process all these differences. Around this time I had first come into contact with the concept of masturbation via seeing peers that would fondle their privates in class. I didn't really understand what they were doing at the time but I was also experiencing first pangs of sexual curiosity. I was always really easily infatuated with girls since I was little but I felt a stronger drive towards older girls and the teachers. My fantasies would usually explore the impossible, somehow it never occurred to me at the time that this may be dangerous, I always had a rich imagination.
Later I experienced another cultural shock when my family moved city and I went to high school without my friends from primary. This city had a very different demographic and as a result so did the schools. While all schools in greater London are ethnically mixed, this area of London was very Somali Muslim dominated. The school culture was far more aggressive but perhaps that's just down to it being high school. There were fights, smokers, phones (blackberries were the hot thing at the time), gangster rap, swearing, etc... Some kids get exposed to these things earlier on but my primary school left me very sheltered. This time I was really lost at sea with no compass. Finding common ground was really difficult and I wasn't one for seclusion because I was always really social and outgoing. In school, most kids arrange themselves into groups according to their interests and qualities. The footballers form one group, the fly boys and rebels form another, there are also the half cool half nerdy types that ace all the tests without studying. Lastly, if you don't make it into any of these three, you usually wind up with the cast outs. The emo kids, the gay/trans wierdo types. At least in the 2010's this last group was really fringe and didn't have much of a voice, now it's all different...
I was lucky to land into the 3rd group. Finally making some friends and not feeling so alone, I was making myself a place in school. We usually hung out in the library, playing yugioh cards and looking through manga and comic books to find dirty pictures... I must have been 12 around this time. YouTube was still new and it was a wild west. My first exposure to soft porn was though YouTube during my first years of having my own room and PC. Looking back, this was a mistake but I was the oldest child and my parents didn't know any better. The internet opened my world to new things that I never heard of, and new grounds for relating to my peers. I was getting into rap music (behind my dad's back of course) and sharing albums with my cool nerd buddies. Next was anime and all the perversion that goes along with that. I was really lost. This pattern of masturbating to fantasies about teachers had really amplified by this time. I never really stopped to question why that was until today. I suspect that I was acting out a subconscious contempt for my mother. During my childhood, my mother and father were always at odds with each other as to how I should be brought up. My dad was always on the side of growth and discipline, my mother was always pulling the other way. She was always my enabler, the one who covered up my misdeeds keeping me from responsibility, the one who would listen and find understanding for any choice that I made. She meant well and I was always very open with her growing up but I think deep down inside, I resented her for it. Because I knew I was walking the easy way and she was making it possible. I was missing out on a healthy relationship with my father because it put expectations on me.
Finally, I went to college. Another move, this time to a completely different part of the country. By this time, rap and hip hop culture was deeply ingrained in my mind. I had a juvenile record for vandalism, shoplifting and cannabis smoking behind my belt. Moving out of the city had me feeling lost and looking for a way out. I was being sucked in by evil forces into further drug experimentation, my curiosity was fixed on the psychedelic mushrooms that grow in abundance in the region to which we moved. I fell for the lie that there is freedom and enlightenment at the end of that road. My mind was constantly revolving around drugs, rap, anime and other worthless things. College had me depressed. I was failing my courses even though I was an A predicted student. I was being bombarded by rad fem, neo-marxist dogma in my humanities class and I was sick of it. I couldn't articulate my disgust at the time but I just knew I had enough of this place. At this time my porn addiction was spinning out of control. I was compulsively consuming anal porn involving middle aged actresses. I was venturing into extreme hentai and even bestiality at the worst of times.
Something was brewing. I was conflicted because at the same time I was becoming exposed to the conservative revolution that seemed to be taking place in 2017-2018. There was a wave of change going through the internet. Everybody felt it. People like Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro and others were becoming prominent voices and they were telling me something compelling. That the thing I'm lacking in my life is responsibility and that I need to get my act together. I was also learning to articulate my distaste for the education system that I felt but didn't understand at the time. They gave me the words that I needed.
To cut the story short, I failed college and went to work. Got my first job in the fall of 2018 in a food factory via agency, going back and forth on random shifts with a Greek guy that they paired me up with for transport. Over the next 4 years I got to work many different kinds of blue collar jobs ranging from food to a car panel welding plant and a forklift/warehouse/deliveries in out/phone job. I learned that the world outside isn't as dull a place as they make you believe in school. I met many interesting people, middle aged guys with their heads screwed on as opposed to being surrounded by a bunch of angsty teenagers who don't know jack shit about life. Don't get me wrong, my life was still a mess. I got into smoking, my porn use was degenerating and I was still childishly ungrateful for my lot in life but I was learning to take responsibility for my actions. I was getting pay checks every month, contributing my bit to the house budget, saving the rest on the side. I finally felt like I was hauling my ass. I finally felt like some vague fog of a life plan was emerging out of the chaos.
In the last 2 years I decided to give my life to Christ. I was always brought up in the spirit of Christian values but I only ever rejected it up until now. I realised that God has a life for me if I trust in him. That I'm conflicted and that the time has come to stop teetering on the fence. I dedicated 2022 to self improvement, reading books, developing a relationship with my dad and brother, repairing the damaged one with my mother, swimming, playing an instrument, programming and also nofap. My first year of was a mixed success, it was a good learning experience a good foundation for 2023 when I finally managed to take off for good. I am currently 160 days into my streak (monkmode) and not looking back at all. Jesus Christ saved my life, literally from the despair and chaos that defined it up until this point. I finally realised that I have a purpose, that my life actually matters and that I can dedicate it to service and living a Godly life aimed at the good.
This has gotten awfully long hasn't it? It was meant to be a brief outline of my nofap journey but I guess it just wasn't that simple, turned into a full blown testimony. Anyway, this was more or less how I went through the motions.

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https://preview.redd.it/wuzwnrsmfz4b1.jpg?width=660&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=16d7424087c5edca7df4dd1f198a37158f95974e
Today we will do things veeeryyy different than during the main character study of Gorou Amamiya or Aqua Hoshino but I assure you it won't be less interesting. It was by pure accident that I stumbled over an old book I haven't touched for a long time, a book that goes by the title "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. It's from the late 19th century.
The story revolves around the rich and handsome Dorian Gray and a portrait of him painted by Basil Hallward, a friend of Dorian's and an artist infatuated with Dorian's beauty. Through Basil, Dorian meets Lord Henry Wotton and is soon enthralled by the aristocrat's cynical hedonistic worldview: that beauty and ruthless self-centered sensual fulfillment are the only things worth pursuing in life while ethics and morals are the natural enemy to this philosophy. Newly understanding that his beauty will fade, Dorian expresses the desire to sell his soul to ensure that the picture, rather than he, will age and fade. The wish is granted by some supernatural force and Dorian pursues a libertine life of varied amoral experiences while staying young and beautiful; all the while, his portrait ages and visually records every one of Dorian's sins in grotesque expressions.
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Now what I discovered during my excursion of a book that I actually didn't really enjoy at all to be quite frank, were similarities in both conception but also psychological realities for both Gorou/Aqua and his father Hikaru Kamiki. From time to time his monologues would sound like commentary to understand what is going on in Hikaru's mind, while the mystic circumstances of Dorian Gray's picture and his eternal youth have strong links between Aqua and Hikaru who indeed are lookalikes. Aqua by that is Hikaru's portrait which will age and visually record every of Hikaru's sins while Hikaru pursues a libertine life of varied amoral experiences while staying young and beautiful. It all culminates to Aqua's movie role of the culprit in which Aqua will be the living proof of Hikaru's sinful life and eventually lead to his downfall. This is also Dorian's fate with his potrait.
I know, this sounds so unbelievably far stretched but believe me I'm thrilled about the actual similarities and the integretiy of the psychological templates that found their way into Oshi No Ko. I firmly believe it's not accidental. And since I enjoy ONK but not so much Oscar Wilde's novel I'm glad those in itself truely interesting psychological types found their way into Aka's work.
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AQUA HOSHINO AKA DORIAN GRAY
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Trivia:

• In Greek the name Dorian means "child of the sea" or "gift of the sea". The name aquamarine comes from aqua (Latin for 'water'), and marine, deriving from marina (Latin for 'of the sea')
• Dorian is described to have gold hair, blue eyes (and rose-red lip)

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1.
In Chapter III of the book we get to hear about Dorian Gray's tragic family background and this is already the first strong indication that 1. the similarities are real 2. what we discovered about Gorou's grandfather / family background could have been more right than wrong.
Now, the story behind the birth of Dorian is slightly so different then Gorou's but the general notion in a short poetic summary within the novel sounds pretty familiar:

"So that was the story of Dorian Gray’s parentage. Crudely as it had been told to him, it had yet stirred him by its suggestion of a strange, almost modern romance. A beautiful woman risking everything for a mad passion. A few wild weeks of happiness cut short by a hideous, treacherous crime [NOTE: HER FATHER, DORIAN'S GRANDFATHER KILLs HER LOVER, DORIAN'S FATHER]. Months of voiceless agony, and then a child born in pain. The mother snatched away by death, the boy left to solitude and the tyranny of an old and loveless man [NOTE: HIS GRANDFATHER]. Yes; it was an interesting background. It posed the lad, made him more perfect, as it were. Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic. Worlds had to be in travail, that the meanest flower might blow.... " (Chapter III)

Isn't this interesting? And there is another very cool symbol. Dorian - after he witnessed the first changed in his potrait - had to hide the picture in a diferent room of his mansion where nobody could find it and witness "his soul" which is captivated in that portrait that gets uglier and uglier with each day of his sinful life. About that room:

"He had not entered the place for more than four years—not, indeed, since he had used it first as a play-room when he was a child, and then as a study when he grew somewhat older. It was a large, well-proportioned room, which had been specially built by the last Lord Kelso for the use of the little grandson whom, for his strange likeness to his mother, and also for other reasons, he had always hated and desired to keep at a distance." (Chapter X)

So we have: A drama between mother and father, child born in pain, mother dies after giving birth, boy left to soltitude and tyranny of his grandfather who hates him for physical likeness to his mother (in PART II we wrote: Gorou would remind his grandfather every day of his own failure and guilt for losing his daughter), always hated his grandson. This is just literally everything we found out in PART II of our character study!
And the man with this background gets reincarnated in the body of a human being which looks exactly like his father Kamiki, thus is his "portrait" or "The Picture of Hikaru Kamiki"! But this portray inherited Gorou's trauma which is expressed by the symbol that the portray lives in the "trauma room" which had been specially built by his grandfather.
Also the metaphor's of "play-room when he was a child and then as a study when he grew somewhat older" goes hand in hand with what we figured out in the "THE RIGHT TO DREAM" essay about how Gorou's childhood-trauma and the guilt-complex provoked through his grandfather's abuse induced him to study medicine instead of striving for his own dreams as a result of him living in this "study trauma room".
Additionally "He had not entered the place for more than four years" - like Aqua who hasn't entered his trauma room for 4-5 years after reincarnation until Ai was murdered in front of his eyes! This reenactment placed him back into this room of guilt.
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2.
Another interesting story revolves around Dorian's first love with the actress Sibyl Vane. While we can look at this "Arc" from the perspective of Dorian as represented by Hikaru and Sibyl represented by Ai - and we certainly will because actually looking at Dorian as the representation of Hikaru will be even more intereting then the things we have to say about Aqua right now - we can also look at it from the perspective of Aqua and Ai/Akane, which we'll do now.
Dorian loves theater and one night his curiosity leads him into a shappy filthy working-class theater, one with lousy actors and a lousy orchestra. It's essentially the last place a delicate creature would expect greatness. However there at a performance of Shakespears "Romeo and Juliett" he witnesses Sibyl playing and falls for "her" instantly.
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"But Juliet! Harry, imagine a girl, hardly seventeen years of age, with a little, flowerlike face, a small Greek head with plaited coils of dark-brown hair, eyes that were violet wells of passion, lips that were like the petals of a rose. She was the loveliest thing I had ever seen in my life. You said to me once that pathos left you unmoved, but that beauty, mere beauty, could fill your eyes with tears. I tell you, Harry, I could hardly see this girl for the mist of tears that came across me. And her voice—I never heard such a voice. It was very low at first, with deep mellow notes that seemed to fall singly upon one’s ear. Then it became a little louder, and sounded like a flute or a distant hautboy. In the garden-scene it had all the tremulous ecstasy that one hears just before dawn when nightingales are singing. There were moments, later on, when it had the wild passion of violins. You know how a voice can stir one. [...] Harry, I do love her. She is everything to me in life. Night after night I go to see her play. One evening she is Rosalind, and the next evening she is Imogen. I have seen her die in the gloom of an Italian tomb, sucking the poison from her lover’s lips. [...] I have seen her in every age and in every costume."

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Aqua's similar rememberance of Ai in a sigfnificantly less pathos drivin manner.
Sibyl Vane is Dorian's ultimate ido. She can perform any of Dorian's romantic ideal heroines from the most captivating drama's written, in utter artistic perfection. He is "her" ultimate fan:
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"Lips that Shakespeare taught to speak have whispered their secret in my ear. I have had the arms of Rosalind around me, and kissed Juliet on the mouth.”
“Well, I can’t help going to see Sibyl play,” he cried, “even if it is only for a single act. I get hungry for her presence; and when I think of the wonderful soul that is hidden away in that little ivory body, I am filled with awe.”
“You can dine with me tonight, Dorian, can’t you?”
He shook his head. “Tonight she is Imogen,” he answered, “and tomorrow night she will be Juliet.”
“When is she Sibyl Vane?”
“Never.”
“I congratulate you.”
[...]
"My God, Harry, how I worship her!”
[...]
“Harry! Sibyl Vane is sacred!”

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To put it into Kindaichi's words in ONK C97:

"You'll find people with those eyes ... once in a while. Deceptive eyes that have the power to make lies look like truths. It's the best quality for an actor"

The concept of great acting is basically reduced in the symbol of eyes for the sake of keeping the lore a little bit simpler in ONK, but essentially he just means that sometimes there are special actors who can just perform like if they are literally what they perform.
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Dorian approaches and courts Sibyl, and soon proposes marriage. They love each other. Dorian invites Basil and Lord Henry to see Sibyl perform in Romeo and Juliet. Sibyl, too enamoured with Dorian to act, performs poorly - also to the anger of the theater audience which left early because of that-, which makes both Basil and Lord Henry think Dorian has fallen in love with Sibyl because of her beauty instead of her acting talent. Embarrassed, Dorian rejects Sibyl, telling her that acting was her beauty; without that, she no longer interests him. The heartbroken Sibyl eventually commits suicide on this very night.
Now, we find every element of that story in the history between Aqua and Akane but in a reversed construction. Akane joins LoveNow but because of her personality she fails her role in this reality tv setting. She gets rejected by the audience and the audience is even angry with her. Under that pressure she attempts suicide. However after she studied Aqua's ideal role she becomes of great interest for both him and the audience. This is essentially like Vane performing Juliett or Imogen or what not but with the difference that Aqua just loves one Idol: Ai. Structurally it is similar though and Aqua falls for her role. During LoveNow we have the same realization inside Aqua and Dorian, so the plot reverses back but without tragedy: Aqua rejects Akane as serious love interest between her real self and him, telling her that hei's only interesting in her as an actor, just like Dorian rejects Sibyl by telling her that acting was her only beauty.
Dorian to Harry:

"Ordinary women never appeal to one’s imagination. They are limited to their century. No glamour ever transfigures them. One knows their minds as easily as one knows their bonnets. One can always find them. There is no mystery in any of them. They ride in the park in the morning and chatter at tea-parties in the afternoon. They have their stereotyped smile and their fashionable manner. They are quite obvious. But an actress! How different an actress is! Harry! why didn’t you tell me that the only thing worth loving is an actress?"

Well, in a screwed way this is also applicable to Ryosuke's issue, who loved Ai for her role but hated her for her real self and eventually kills her for it, as her real self not only is different but essentially is in total opposition to her role as an idol. Dorian describes a similar screwed misogynistic view on women: The actress is mystery and the only thing worth to love, the ordinary woman is the absolute opposite of it, disappointing and unworthy to be loved.
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3.
By the way the director of that working-class theater is described as a stereotypical jew and while I of course do not endorse antisemitism or racism it still is kinda funny that Kindaichi, the director of Lalalie Theater Company and Akane's boss is always depicted with a pretty unusual big and oddly shaped nose while the name Toshirou that means "quick, clever, sharp" and Toshirou's surname Kindaichi that means "gold/metal, money/cash, currency". Pretty stereotypical if you link it to Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray"...But the theater itself also has some working-class vibes to it, since it's implied that back then they opened workshop classes for orphans and probably generally troubled kids without real guardians. Addiotionally he gave Akane the smallest bouquet at the Japan Actor's Award with the explanation that theaters are financially not doing great. Well if it's a reflection of theaters in general, his theater in particular or his personal greed I can't tell. His name implies the latter and the cost of a bouquet surely doesn't ruin a theater. But probably it's still a general observation because theaters are indeed a dying genre.
Some quotes about the "Jew" in the novel:

"A hideous Jew, in the most amazing waistcoat I ever beheld in my life, was standing at the entrance, smoking a vile cigar. He had greasy ringlets, and an enormous diamond blazed in the centre of a soiled shirt. ‘Have a box, my Lord?’ he said, when he saw me, and he took off his hat with an air of gorgeous servility. There was something about him, Harry, that amused me. He was such a monster."

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"On the first night I was at the theatre, the horrid old Jew came round to the box after the performance was over and offered to take me behind the scenes and introduce me to her. I was furious with him, and told him that Juliet had been dead for hundreds of years and that her body was lying in a marble tomb in Verona. I think, from his blank look of amazement, that he was under the impression that I had taken too much champagne, or something.”
“I am not surprised” replied Harry.

This is just a little odd observation, in the epilog we'll find a more cheerful representation of Kindaichi (well, cheerfulness is of course a limited ressource when it comes down to that man :))
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4.
While most of the time the monologues and thought processes of Dorian mainly concern Dorian as the representative of Hikaru, we have here and there sober reflections on what his soul - which is trapped in the potray - would probably experience, thus what he would experience if he'd have his soul inside his own body. Thus we can read this at the same time as a comment on what is going on in Gorou's / Aqua's soul, which is quite interesting. In the following quote for example it's about the nightmare of having a phantom of your guilt following you everywhere you go, essentially a description of Aqua's delusional vision of Gorou who blames him for Ai's death:
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https://preview.redd.it/vns5efrx505b1.jpg?width=1083&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a6ae6628023bb215a4e9ceb6ff08ce21013374eb
https://preview.redd.it/owuow261605b1.jpg?width=1083&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a54f4a6aa13610e04384407526573efc43fd8398

"And yet if it had been merely an illusion, how terrible it was to think that conscience could raise such fearful phantoms, and give them visible form, and make them move before one! What sort of life would his be if, day and night, shadows of his crime were to peer at him from silent corners, to mock him from secret places, to whisper in his ear as he sat at the feast, to wake him with icy fingers as he lay asleep! As the thought crept through his brain, he grew pale with terror, and the air seemed to him to have become suddenly colder. Oh! in what a wild hour of madness he had killed his friend! How ghastly the mere memory of the scene! He saw it all again. Each hideous detail came back to him with added horror. Out of the black cave of time, terrible and swathed in scarlet, rose the image of his sin. "

18 years after Sibyl's suicide her brother James Vane found out Dorian's identity and swore to kill him. He saw Vane lurking for him and panicked, feared for his life. But later he'd reflect that this must've been just a phantom. That's the story behind that quote in that novel. However he would calm after some days and think that he's out of danger.
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It was not till the third day that he ventured to go out. There was something in the clear, pine-scented air of that winter morning that seemed to bring him back his joyousness and his ardour for life. But it was not merely the physical conditions of environment that had caused the change. His own nature had revolted against the excess of anguish that had sought to maim and mar the perfection of its calm. With subtle and finely wrought temperaments it is always so. Their strong passions must either bruise or bend. They either slay the man, or themselves die. Shallow sorrows and shallow loves live on. The loves and sorrows that are great are destroyed by their own plenitude. Besides, he had convinced himself that he had been the victim of a terror-stricken imagination, and looked back now on his fears with something of pity and not a little of contempt.

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We ultimately experience a similar transformation in Aqua's temper after he learns about the apparent death of his father from Taiki. He was away all night (the "night" is a symbol here) but finally came back "in the clear, pine-scented air of that winter morning that seemed to bring him back his joyousness and his ardour for life" He steps to the window and gives Ruby an reliefed smile for the first time since Ai's death:
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https://preview.redd.it/e0ezsvfp705b1.jpg?width=1083&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=97f0236ae0606e6e37654d96b6ed11b55068cfcc
https://preview.redd.it/kd421eyo705b1.jpg?width=1083&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=60ffd4450b497632b36904ce7ba7b35d6727bf3b
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It's not directly "winter" although Ruby's wearing a pyjama which indicate that it's also not summer, but the symbol contracts with the Takachiho arc which we can't spare for Aqua's transformation. What for Dorian was a mere material process of healing his tension and therefore would go away after 3 days of bedriddenness is for Aqua a inmaterial soul-process and he has to put a meaningful end to the phantom of Gorou in his head. And their stay in Takachiho surely appears to be in a winterly setting. This novel must've been of great inspiration for Aka and so he honors it by reimagination of the mental images Oscar Wilde created.
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"Our father died long ago. There's no way left to avenge Ai. So what should I do? My... revenge..." (C 68)

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Aqua is finally free and live normaly but when the news about Takachiho appeared he knew he has to somehow find his corpse so that he can "burry his phantom'" so to speak. The corpse of Gorou would be his symbolic proof that it's over, that he has nothing to fear anymore. Eventually Akane and Ruby find it.
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\"Keep out\" meaning keep this rotten and grotesque thing out of his mind. It's over.
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Correspondingly Dorian would soon after his "winter-morning" go on a hare shooting in some rural countryside (=Takachiho) where they would by accident shoot James Vane who still was following Dorian. James was finally dead and Dorian could finally close that chapter.
This is everything I could for now link to Aqua without talking about Hikaru's links to Dorian. So for now we have to stop the analysis and call it a day.
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Epilog
So I hope I could convince you to look at ONK from this perspective. This is just the beginning though, the actually interesting part we will only tackle in the next essay Because I believe we can learn a lot of Hikaru's ideology through the character of Dorian, his hobbies, his views, his extreme hedonistic sensualism, perhaps even his relation to his portrait.... It actually concerns me: My very first essay on ONK like a month ago was a half serious schizo theory about Hikaru's involvement in the plot so far where I made the assumption that he probably constantly observes Aqua from far away for years but now - if we apply "The Picture of Dorian Gray" to his personality then this in fact is real.
Dorian would in fact over the years go into his secret room and look at his portrait with a weird for us the next time to explore interest and strange reflections. Maybe there is really more to it...
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Lets end for now with a somewhat luckier characterization of Toshirou Kindaichi. Because he actually looks a lot like the author Oscar Wilde himself:
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https://preview.redd.it/9xoj9ihah05b1.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=781921c3c82f4fce235a14f8433fe906c904e064
And to quote Wilde - which could also be just Kindaichi's own words :

“All charming people are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction.”

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As always: Thanks for reading!
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We want to make sure my kid keeps eating eggs daily due to a mild allergy.
She had been eating scrambled egg daily with no issue for months, then started rejecting it.
I moved to French toast, which she eventually started rejecting too.
I did a wild experiment of “barbecue scrambled eggs” (add maple syrup, soy sauce, apple cider vinegar), which she’s eating gladly. I wouldn’t recommend it, but whatever works, right?
Does anyone have any other ideas to disguise eggs?

I have only posted here once, but after a comment I left last night, I thought I might finally share some thoughts.
A few things that are relevant: I worked at a video store for 7 years. I was a big Anne Rice fan (interview with the vampire author) And I'm a spelling bee champ, which is partly related to my condition of having OCD and the way that makes my brain work. I'm obsessed with words and spelling.
So first, this might not be a popular stance, but as someone who worked at a video store for 7 years, I have never heard of Shazaam. I also babysat a ton in that Era and watched kids movies all the time.
Also, I worked at the video store when "Sex and the City" was released on DVD and was extremely popular. It was ALWAYS "Sex AND the City." People messed that up from day one, because they sound exactly the same.
Also, it was ALWAYS "Interview with THE Vampire." I read the entire book series. Many people always said it wrong, because once again, they sound almost identical.
And one last one: I studied the history of fairy tales in college. Pretty wild, I know! I will never forget being dismissed early from that class right after 9/11 happened. Anyway, most fairy tales are very old and have different versions from different countries, etc. The whole Snow White "Mirror Mirror" vs "Magic Mirror" is not a legit Mandela effect. Both phrases appear in different versions of the tale. Disney movie says it one way. Growing up I had copy of the vhs of Snow White starring Elizabeth McGovern, and that version says the phrase differently than the Disney version. Both phrases have existed for a long time.
Finally, I'm not a ME denier. The Berenstein Bears one shocked me. As I mentioned in the title, I am a spelling bee champion and obsessed with words and spelling; my English language skills are in the 98th percentile and have been since I was very young. I'm not saying that to brag, I just think it's very relevant here.
The craziest one of all for me is the Mr. Roger's theme song. Like, what?!? It's now, "It's a beautiful day in THIS neighborhood" ?!
Oh yeah, one last thing: as a movie buff, movie previews very frequently have different scenes in them than the actual movie does. They may use a different take of a scene than was used in the final movie, and sometimes have footage that doesn't end up in the final cut of the movie. I think that is the reason for at least some of the movie-line supposed mandela effects.
Just a little more about Shazaam. The SAME year "Kazaam" was released, there was an animated movie released called "Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas." Secondly, Sinbad did a thing in the 90s where he dressed up as a genie and hosted/introduced some movies or shows on TV. So right there is Sinbad as a genie. Finally, there is an old YouTube video about a green genie named Shazaam. I posted the link in a comment here a while ago. Oh yeah, there is also an old cartoon called Shazam!
Just wanted to share my thoughts! :)

Here's a link to the video [6:17]

Transcript:

On January 12, 2017, Amazon launched Anime Strike–an anime focused subscription service– in the United States. It was launched on Amazon Channels, a program that allowed Amazon Prime customers to subscribe to various channels like HBO, Starz, and Showtime through their platform. If you decided to subscribe to Anime Strike, you wouldn’t have to see any ads but it would cost you $4.99 a month. In addition to video-on-demand, the service would also be simulcasting various shows from Japan, like Blue Exorcist: Kyoto Saga. In order to pull more fans to the service, Amazon had acquired the exclusive U.S. streaming rights for several anime, including Scum’s Wish and The Great Passage.
Anime Strike was Amazon’s first attempt at creating an original channel. As for why they decided to target anime fans, they thought that they could fill a gap left open by traditional media. According to Michael Paull, Amazon’s Vice President of Digital Video and the lead of Amazon Channels, “With anime in particular, there’s a strong, passionate audience that is underserved by traditional pay TV.”
The service faced criticism immediately upon release, with its price at the center of attention. As mentioned previously, Amazon Channels were only available to Amazon Prime customers, and each channel required its own, separate, subscription. Meaning that you’d have to pay $99 a year, or $12.99 a month, for Amazon Prime and then an additional $4.99 a month if you wanted to watch Anime Strike. This would make it significantly more expensive than other anime streaming services like Crunchyroll and Funimation, and still more expensive than less anime-focused services like Hulu and Netflix. And, unlike Funimation and Crunchyroll, there wasn’t a cheaper, ad-supported, option for viewers. If all you wanted to do was watch the anime on Amazon’s new service, it wouldn’t be cheap.
When Anime News Network asked about why they decided to charge an additional fee on top of a Prime subscription, here was Michael Paull’s response, “Well, the definition of TV has changed a lot over the last couple years. At the highest level, there's increased customer choice with the growth of on-demand programming and the proliferation of channels and ways to get those channels. It's become all about bringing customers what they want to watch, when and where they want to watch it. That's what we've done with Anime Strike. There's a passionate group of fans who would love to have anime content all in one place, and to do that made sense – to create a separate, dedicated channel. There's much more anime content available as part of the subscription than what can be found in Prime Video, which is similar to other channels like HBO, or PBS Kids for example.”
While it would feature more than 1000 episodes and movies, Anime Strike’s catalog wasn’t very impressive when compared to Crunchyroll and Funimation. But, with the Spring anime season just around the corner, they didn’t waste time. In March, they signed deals with both Sentai Filmworks and Aniplex. And, on April 5, 2017, Anime Strike announced their Spring line-up, which featured 12 shows, with 10 of them being Anime Strike exclusives. And these exclusive agreements highlighted another problem that fans had with the service: further fragmentation.
After Funimation and Crunchyroll’s partnership agreement was signed in 2016, it looked like anime fans would finally have an “all-in-one” streaming service. If you wanted to watch simulcasted anime, a Crunchyroll subscription would get you most of the way there. If you wanted dubs, the same was true for Funimation. But with Anime Strike in the mix, and gobbling up several popular exclusives, this was no longer true. And it seems as if Amazon’s strategy was paying off. In a statement to Forbes, Amazon announced that Anime Strike was performing better than they expected. “Anime Strike is performing great… Signups are higher than initial projections as we add more content and more features. Besides new episodes every week and new shows every season, we’ve been able to introduce new things that anime fans weren’t able to get before like the ability to download and watch thousands of episodes or movies on Anime Strike to their smartphone and tablet (which is awesome for anyone who’ll be traveling a lot this summer) or a free manga every month from ComiXology.”
And all of those signups were from the United States. From the very beginning, Amazon hadn’t been willing to say anything about releasing Anime Strike in other markets.
[Mother’s Basement]: “Amazon Prime Video only just became available to Canada this winter, when it was also rolled out to the rest of the world. But, even now, it feels like the ‘rest of the world’ is an afterthought for Amazon. The Prime Video app still isn’t available on any Canadian app store for any of the devices that are currently plugged into my TV. And the actual Anime Strike service isn’t available here at all. Which means that what few shows that we do have are one, or more, episodes behind and we have no way to access their premium simulcast service.”
When asked about this on launch day, they didn’t have anything to say. And when asked a similar question by Forbes in May, their response was a little longer, but still didn’t say anything.
News slowed down until June 30, when Anime Strike announced their summer line-up. However, there was a significant drop off in the number of exclusives. Out of the 11 new shows in the line-up, only three of them were exclusives. And, while no one knew it at the time, this was the beginning of the end. News would dry up over the course of the summer season, and the channel’s social media accounts went silent. Anime Strike would release its Fall line-up on October 3, and it would only include two exclusive shows. News would dry up again and the winter season would pass without Anime Strike releasing a new exclusive line-up. Then, on January 5, 2018, less than a year after the service was launched, Anime Strike was shut down. All of the content that was originally exclusive to Anime Strike would be available through Prime Video, and all existing subscriptions to the channel would be automatically canceled.
Despite its problems, it was surprising to see the service shuttered so quickly. Amazon was, at least initially, willing to dump lots of money into the service in order to secure exclusive streaming rights and pull in customers. But it looks like, at some point in the middle of 2017, things changed. According to Justin Saviks, The Answerman, “Anime Strike's demise wasn't solely because it disappointed the market it was trying to serve, though. The service was one part of a much bigger picture: the fact that Amazon's streaming service just isn't doing well, in general. The last quarter of 2017 was a tumultuous one for Amazon Studios. After a promising early start … the network spent an ungodly sum of money on shows that ultimately failed… Anime Strike and its sister service Heera (which specialized in Bollywood movies) were part of the vision of that old regime. When the new management took over, they no doubt saw how the two secondary services were performing and decided not to continue throwing money at them. We can only guess as to their logic, but they no doubt have bigger fish to fry. Rather than continuing to throw money at a small audience that's turned hostile towards them, I'm sure they think it a better idea to concentrate on making a new mainstream hit [Edited for clarity].”
Anime Strike is an interesting note in the history of anime streaming. Despite lasting for less than a year, it managed to become, probably, the most hated anime streaming service ever.

First & foremost, the drama between Eminem & his mother, both on records & in court, is some of the most compelling aspects of his persona which the media seizes on - enabling him to advertise for very little - while selling millions of records. The skits on his early records talking about killing or raping his mother of course are very "shock & awe," being one of the only artists in the pop realm to be able to somehow get away with this kind of thing despite it otherwise being very degrading & psychologically abusive albeit for the entertainment of many people.
Second of all, if you listen to a lot of his songs, they have a literal or similar melodic & rhythmic structure you find in nursery rhymes. You could say this was the influence of him as a father with his daughter, raising her. However, it's pretty clear that being a successful musician & businessman has put him at a distance from his family, like any other professional person. That being said, it is unlikely the nursery rhyme style beat/flows came from this.
As a child, being rocked in their trailer park, perhaps Debbie attempted to lovingly nurture her boy from time to time with nursery rhymes. When her son began showing signs of intelligence beyond their environment, she thought about the wild financial success & career longevity of kids in the Mouseketeers, or other actors whose parents' guide career-wise.
Marshall's father not being in the picture rules him out as the musical source of inspiration for this child-like influence. It is also not necessarily something that you hear in other forms of pop music. It could be said that a lot of catchy hooks have nursery style simplicity, but I think everybody here knows what I'm talking about with respect to Eminem & his song choices.
He also produces many of the beats individually, or is on the team.
This means it isn't accidental, or the label's doing. It's his identity.
Agree or disagree with this, but it came from somewhere.
If it came from Debbie, I'd be willing to bet she is his actual manager.
Whether she's his actual mother or not, the dude's been in show business for a long time now.
Whether they really grew up in a trailer park, or in Detroit, is anybody's guess at this point.
But without Debbie Nelson, Marshall Matthers would be nothing.

Round 27 Voting Link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf827Zrn1U2ZjMltmPbj6mlGdyfCHRVyvCLM-ilnQBcEaWyWg/viewform?usp=sf_link
Email Sign In now required due to Ballot Stuffers. I am not collecting your email address, just your vote.
Round 26 Results
(20.) Wherever I May Roam (21.) All Nightmare Long (22.) The Day That Never Comes
Previous Rounds Results
(23.) The Call of Ktulu (24.) Seek and Destroy (25.) Frayed Ends of Sanity (26.) Leper Messiah (27.) Fight Fire with Fire (28.) King Nothing (29.) The Shortest Straw (30.) Until It Sleeps (31.) Fuel (32.) Moth Into Flame (33.) Bleeding Me (34.) Nothing Else Matters (35.) Enter Sandman (36.) The Outlaw Torn (37.) Whiplash (38.) Inamorata (39.) Eye of the Beholder (40.) No Leaf Clover (41.) To Live is to Die (42.) The God That Failed (43.) That Was Just Your Life (44.) 72 Seasons (45.) Halo On Fire (46.) Room of Mirrors (47.) The Thing That Should Not Be (48.) My Friend of Misery (49.) Trapped Under Ice (50.) Atlas, Rise! (51.) Hit the Lights (52.) Hardwired (53.) Shadows Follow (54.) The Memory Remains (55.) Unforgiven III (56.) Lux Aeterna (57.) Holier Than Thou (58.) Too Far Gone? (59.) Unforgiven II (60.) Judas Kiss (61.) Motorbreath (62.) No Remorse (63.) Chasing Light (64.) Dream No More (65.) Through The Never (66.) You Must Burn! (67.) Screaming Suicide (68.) The End of the Line (69.) Suicide and Redemption (70.) Phantom Lord (71.) My Apocalypse (72.) St. Anger (73.) Fixxxer (74.) Now That We’re Dead (75.) Frantic (76.) The Unnamed Feeling (77.) Of Wolf and Man (78.) Sleepwalk My Life Away (79.) Crown of Barbed Wire (80.) The Struggle Within (81.) Hero of the Day (82.) Broken, Beat and Scarred (83.) Cyanide (84.) Metal Militia (85.) If Darkness Had a Son (86.) Escape (87.) Aint My Bitch (88.) Lords of Summer (89.) I Disappear (90.) Rebel of Babylon (91.) Devil’s Dance (92.) Confusion (93.) Hate Train (94.) Here Comes Revenge (95.) Mama Said (96.) To Hell and Back (97.) Wasting My Hate (98.) Just a Bullet Away (99.) - Human (100.) Thorn Within (101.) Don’t Tread on Me (102.) Jump in the Fire (103.) Prince Charming (104.) Sweet Amber (105.) Carpe Diem Baby (106.) The House Jack Built (107.) 2x4 (108.) Better Than You (109.) ManUNkind (110.) Low Man's Lyric (111.) Where the Wild Things Are (112.) Some Kind of Monster (113.) Am I Savage? (114.) Murder One (115.) Bad Seed (116.) Cure (117.) Attitude (118.) Ronnie (119.) All Within My Hands (120.) Dirty Window (121.) My World (122.) Slither (123.) Shoot Me Again (124.) Poor Twisted Me (125.) Invisible Kid (126.) Purify
Vote for the next 3 songs to be eliminated in the link above. I flipped the order presentation since I felt it looked a little better.
We will pause the poll during the Metallica protest on Jun 12th and 13th and keep the poll going as normal once the sub reopens. For those of you that are protesting for longer, I commend you, and I apologize that you can’t participate in the last few rounds unless you want to DM me your email address and I will email the poll to you. To have this wrapped up by the 12th, I would have had to rush the final few rounds, and that would very much ruin the flow of the final rounds as they should be some of the most entertaining. I will be protesting reddit completely those 2 days, and hope some changes come!

Title, basically. Portsmouth, RI 02871. Starting the Saturday before last, my 1GB Internet plan has been pretty awful. Streaming services keep buffering and can only render at 240p (wifi), discord/gaming connections are shot and skyrocketing as high as 2500ms (hardwired), my kids' tablets are losing connection entirely (wifi), phones take forever to load social media/webpages (wifi), and more. It's every other day at this point, some days good and some days the service is not usable at all. I've tried contacting Cox and asking for a service reset or to inquire about local outages, and I get nowhere. It's wild that we pay as much as we do for the gigabyte plan and can't even use it 50% of the time.

• Router has been hard reset
• Coaxial, Ethernet, and power cables have been checked
• I tried configuring QoS but can't find the interface for it
• I've contacted both the local Cox branch and 1-800 Customer Support to no avail, they just tell me there aren't any outages and nothing they can do on their end

Anybody have any other suggestions? I'm at wit's end at this point.

A long one, so grab a drink or something. I'm definitely on the road to maturing after this one, and definitely picky about who I give my energy and time.
After 11 years, I (late 20's) was blocked by my "best" friend--"Lucy" (F, early 30's, single, childfree, a theater kid). My borderline personality disorder and her being my "BPD favorite person" made this friendship toxic, and sadly the reason I stayed so long. I tried to be as great of a friend as I could, but she would seem aloof, so I would give her more attention--then when I gave up and pulled away, she would appear to give me more attention, even asking me if I was mad at her when I wasn't. I know I played a part in it too--sometimes when I'm hurt I can get really sarcastic and shut down for a few weeks, and through my teens and mid-20's I battled with depression and anxiety. We met at church when her parents moved to lead the church I used to attend. The beginning of our friendship formed on hating where we live, and unfortunately I was a chronic complainer for the first 4ish years (I was only a senior in high school and she just graduated college, with a 4-year age gap). I did not know I had BPD until this past December.
BACKGROUND: She's an evangelical pastor's kid who moved states quite a bit: struggled with anxiety, depression, and avoidance, but also wildly entertaining when she was in a good headspace. From the start she would often change plans at the last minute to help her family at that convenient time, or she felt sick. I usually had to reschedule. A few times she forgot about me and would leave me waiting for 30 minutes, even after reminders, then have to cancel. The times she did make it, she was typically late. I understand depression and anxiety causes people to withdraw--I struggle with it as well--but it never seemed like my help was ever helpful when I tried to give it.
In 2020 I tried to behave less intensely and eased off a bit. When she got Covid, I made her soup from scratch and delivered it with a few containers of tea. I noticed during the years she would "get deeper in her faith" or the months I would communicate less, she would try to pull me back in and try to kick up the friendship again. She seemed to care more when celebrities or Youtubers passed away than actually hurting the feelings people she knew personally, but I guess that comes with detachment.
May 2022, she moved back to the Midwest so her family could be at the church there and she could get into theater. I cooked dinner for her the week before she left. She did FaceTime me a month later (on her own, for the first time!) to show me her house, but didn't warn me, and it was while I was having lunch with a coworker. We didn't text again until Thanksgiving, but it was brief.
On December 2022, I discovered that I have Borderline Personality Disorder after my meltdowns with others were getting frequent. I got a diagnosis and going through therapy. I never really poured my heart out to Lucy as much as I reached adulthood because she was always pretty detached, but I felt like she should know why I used to be so clingy with her and aloof the next. I was actively starting to research ways to remedy it. Her response--"That's great! Something we can work towards praying about." I was put off by the generic response, so I said "I guess that's all we can do." Silence for a while, which was normal--I could count on my hands the times she initiated any text.
End of March was her birthday, so I sent her a text. No response. Sent her a birthday video, a bit drunk since I got upset over seeing my ex flaunting a new relationship through a mutual (my mistake). She left me on read for a few days while liking posts on Instagram, so I sent her a text apologizing for clearly not being the friend she needed or wanted. She blocked my number. A few days later I insisted and asked her on Instagram if our friendship meant anything, or if we were only friends because I had something to offer. She blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. So there was my answer--without explanation.
I cried over it for about three days, could not sleep, and luckily had a session with my therapist on the third day. He asked me if I felt I needed to beg for my friendships. I told him I shouldn't have to. We talked about it and worked on releasing the hurt and anger by talking myself through it.
Today I realized she unfollowed but didn't block my art account. Still spiteful, I did the stupid thing and told her she should get a trophy for her acting skills of convincing me our friendship mattered. I told her she could have been a proper friend and actually said something before blocking me. Told her off for being so dismissive when I was just expressing my feelings, and yes...I did block her on that account. If she did it the first time, she would do it again.
Maybe there could have been hope. Perhaps she was waiting until she felt she could talk to me, and perhaps I could have been less emotional and direct. Maybe I should have called her, and I shouldn't have been so petty with having the last say and final block. Knowing her personality and her level of maturity--the ability to handle uncomfortable situations--I highly doubt she will. If she does, well she can unblock my number and text me. If she's such a Christian, she can learn to forgive and talk it through like an actual goddamn friend. For now, I will focus on the people around me who actually reciprocate my friendship, keep me grounded, and are helping me to heal.
TL://DR: "BFF" of 11 years blocked me on all formats because she couldn't handle me confronting our friendship after she moved. I tolerated years of this goddamn codependent relationship. It seems like my therapy is half-working, seeing as although I'm still mad, I still do care for her and miss her--I don't hate her like others I started seeing as "villains" because of BPD. At the same time, just...no thank you. Sometimes I wish I never carried on with it for so long.
Edit: This isn't the first thing something like this happened to her. About 5 years ago she posted anti-trans agenda on her facebook and her LGBTQ+ friends/allies lashed back. Probably worse than I did. She was really broken up about it...crying about it during a testimony she gave at church, saying they all blocked her and she apparently lost her friends. Yet, she turned around and did the exact same to someone who she hurt repeatedly. We all cared about her. She's just self-centered.

St. Jerome, 393 AD: Men Should Not Marry
St. Jerome (AD 347 – AD 420) was one of the most prolific of the early Christian theologists. His main accomplishment was the translation of the Bible into Latin, an important part of the crumbling Roman Empire’s conversion to Christianity. He is frequently ranked among the likes of Augustine, Ambrose, and Gregory the Great as one of the original Doctors of the Church.
Although Christianity has a long history of supporting holy matrimony, St. Jerome was vehemently opposed to the idea of marriage. In my opinion, his condemnation goes too far; he claims furthermore that all sexual contact is inherently sinful and unclean, and urges chastity for all people. It is worth noting that he engaged in much sexual hedonism and debauchery as a young student in Rome, so he at least speaks with experience, if only to reject that lifestyle. Nevertheless, his dissection and critique of marriage and male-female relations remain supremely insightful.
(His advice could be applied to softer relationships too, for the same dynamics and drawbacks are present, albeit in lesser form. Where he says “marriage,” one could easily replace it with “LTR,” and “wife” with “girlfriend.”)
He lays down his reasoning in a book written in 393 AD, Against Jovinianus. An extremely well-learned man, Jerome brings up many quotes, anecdotes, and famous figures from the Classical world. Here are the original sources for these excerpts if you want the whole picture.

Theophrastus’ Golden Book of Marriage I feel that . . . I have said far more than is customary in illustrating a point, and that I might be justly censured by my learned reader. But what am I to do when the women of our time press me with apostolic authority, and before the first husband is buried, repeat from morning to night the precepts which allow a second marriage? Seeing they despise the fidelity which Christian purity dictates, let them at least learn chastity from the heathen. 

Even back then, women were quick to move on with their (love) lives, and marriage vows held little sway.

A book - On Marriage - worth its weight in gold, passes under the name of Theophrastus. In it the author asks whether a wise man marries. And after laying down the conditions that the wife must be fair, of good character and honest parentage, the husband in good health and of ample means, and after saying that under these circumstances a wise man sometimes enters the state of matrimony, he immediately proceeds thus: “But all these conditions are seldom satisfied in marriage. A wise man therefore must not take a wife. For in the first place his study of philosophy will be hindered, and it is impossible for anyone to attend to his books and his wife. Matrons want many things: costly dresses, gold, jewels, great outlay, maid-servants, all kinds of furniture, litters and gilded coaches. Then come curtain-lectures the livelong night: she complains that one lady goes out better dressed than she; that another is looked up to by all; ‘I am a poor despised nobody at the ladies assemblies.’ ‘Why did you ogle that creature next door?’ ‘Why were you talking to the maid?’ ‘What did you bring from the market?’ ‘I am not allowed to have a single friend, or companion.’ She suspects that her husband’s love goes the same way as her hate. 

God, those complaints sound word-for-word like what you’d hear today. Things just don’t change.

There may be in some neighbouring city the wisest of teachers; but if we have a wife we can neither leave her behind, nor take the burden with us. To support a poor wife, is hard; to put up with a rich one, is torture. Notice, too, that in the case of a wife you cannot pick and choose; you must take her as you find her. If she has a bad temper, or is a fool, if she has a blemish, or is proud, or has bad breath, whatever her fault may be – all this we learn after marriage. Horses, asses, cattle, even slaves of the smallest worth, clothes, kettles, wooden seats, cups, and earthenware pitchers, are first tried and then bought; a wife is the only thing that is not shown before she is married, for fear she may not give satisfaction. 

I’ll admit that it is now easier than ever to “try before you buy,” but even so, a woman has incentive to hide her flaws and stay on her best behavior until you’re invested and committed. In any case, you’d still have to do a lot of sifting to find one without any major faults.

Our gaze must always be directed to her face, and we must always praise her beauty: if you look at another woman, she thinks that she is out of favour. She must be called ‘my lady,’ her birth-day must be kept, we must swear by her health and wish that she may survive us, respect must be paid to the nurse, to the nursemaid, to the father’s slave, to the foster-child, to the handsome hanger-on, to the curled darling who manages her affairs, and to the eunuch who ministers to the safe indulgence of her lust; names which are only a cloak for adultery. Upon whomsoever she sets her heart, they must have her love though they want her not. 

But she say he just a friend!

If you give her the management of the whole house, you must yourself be her slave. If you reserve something for yourself, she will not think you are loyal to her; but she will turn to strife and hatred, and unless you quickly take care, she will have the poison ready. 

Poisoning is harder to get away with these days, so they use divorce papers instead.

If you introduce old women, and soothsayers, and prophets, and vendors of jewels and silken clothing, you imperil her chastity; if you shut the door upon them, she is injured and fancies you suspect her. But what is the good of even a careful guardian, when an unchaste wife cannot be watched, and a chaste one ought not to be? For necessity is but a faithless keeper of chastity, and she alone really deserves to be called pure, who is free to sin if she chooses. 

In other words, mate-guarding is useless, and a woman who is faithful only out of fear of consequences or of losing you is not truly pure at heart. She can still mentally undress anybody she wants.

If a woman be fair, she soon finds lovers; if she be ugly, it is easy to be wanton [i.e. promiscuous] It is difficult to guard what many long for. It is annoying to have what no one thinks worth possessing. 

If nobody’s buying her goods, then the price of entry goes down. But since most men value sexual exclusivity as much as sexual attractiveness, then so does the value. It’s a vicious cycle, but what’s a plain woman to do to snatch a high-value mate?

But the misery of having an ugly wife is less than that of watching a comely one. Nothing is safe, for which a whole people sighs and longs. One man entices with his figure, another with his brains, another with his wit, another with his open hand. Somehow, or sometime, the fortress is captured which is attacked on all sides. 

Jerome notices that there are many ways to stimulate a woman’s lust. Wealthy noblemen, lanky musicians, sly conmen, brutish warriors, and stern rulers all enjoy sexual success in exchange for what their lifestyles have to offer.

Men marry, indeed, so as to get a manager for the house, to solace weariness, to banish solitude; but a faithful slave is a far better manager, more submissive to the master, more observant of his ways, than a wife who thinks she proves herself mistress if she acts in opposition to her husband, that is, if she does what pleases her, not what she is commanded. 

Then, as now, men had the same fears and faulty reasoning in pursuing relationships with women.

But friends, and servants who are under the obligation of benefits received, are better able to wait upon us in sickness than a wife who makes us responsible for her tears (she will sell you enough to make a deluge for the hope of a legacy), boasts of her anxiety, but drives her sick husband to the distraction of despair. But if she herself is poorly, we must fall sick with her and never leave her bedside. 

Notice he uses the word “sell” to describe the woman’s crying and pleading for children (i.e. a legacy). Jerome had enough experience with women to see through the long con.

Or if she be a good and agreeable wife (how rare a bird she is!), we have to share her groans in childbirth, and suffer torture when she is in danger. 

Even if she does her best to make your life easy, a good woman still needs much support, protection, and care. Proceed at your own risk.

Then again, to marry for the sake of children, so that our name may not perish, or that we may have support in old age and leave our property without dispute, is the height of stupidity. For what is it to us when we are leaving the world if another bears our name, when even a son does not all at once take his father’s title, and there are countless others who are called by the same name. Or what support in old age is he whom you bring up, and who may die before you, or turn out a reprobate? Or at all events when he reaches mature age, you may seem to him long in dying. 

Many of my grandfather’s friends raised incompetent sons, despite being hardworking and conscientious themselves. As a result, they’ve had no support from their offspring in their old age. It is always a gamble, even if you do right by your family.

Friends and relatives whom you can judiciously love are better and safer heirs than those whom you must make your heirs whether you like it or not. Indeed, the surest way of having a good heir is to ruin your fortune in a good cause while you live, not to leave the fruit of your labour to be used you know not how. 

This is probably a big, big factor in how the children of good men become spoiled. They know a great inheritance is in the works, plus they’ve had every want and need fulfilled since their parents were so successful at providing, so where’s the children’s incentive to work hard themselves and pay back the favor? For those same reasons, a wife can be spoiled the same way your children can.

Examples Showing Why Men Should Not Marry When Cicero - after divorcing Terentia - was requested by Hirtius to marry his sister, he set the matter altogether on one side, and said that he could not possibly devote himself to a wife and to philosophy. Meanwhile that excellent partner, who had herself drunk wisdom at Tully’s fountains, married Sallust his enemy, and took for her third husband Messala Corvinus, and thus, as it were, passed through three degrees of eloquence. Socrates had two wives, Xantippe and Myron, grand-daughter of Aristides. They frequently quarreled, and he was accustomed to banter them for disagreeing about him, he being the ugliest of men, with snub nose, bald forehead, rough-haired, and bandylegged. At last they planned an attack upon him, and having punished him severely and put him to flight, vexed him for a long time. 

I find it interesting that St. Jerome pointed out Socrates’ ugliness as the reason for his wives abusing and disrespecting him. I guess looks do matter.

On one occasion when he opposed Xantippe, who from above was heaping abuse upon him, the termagant soused him with dirty water, but he only wiped his head and said, “I knew that a shower must follow such thunder as that.” 

Socrates had another quip, something along the lines of “If you marry a good wife you will become happy; if you marry a bad one you will become a philosopher.” At least he had a sense of humor about it all.

Metella, consort of Lucius Sulla the Fortunate (except in the matter of his wife) was openly unchaste. It was the common talk of Athens, as I learnt in my youthful years when we soon pick up what is bad, and yet Sulla was in the dark, and first got to know the secrets of his household through the abuse of his enemies. 

To put this in context, Lucius Sulla was one of the most successful generals and leaders of Rome. He sacked Athens, captured Rome to end a civil war, became dictator, and reinstated the Roman Senate. He was declared by none other than Machiavelli as having the prime attributes of an effective leader – cunning like a fox, courageous like a lion. Apparently all this had no bearing on his wife’s fidelity.

Pompey had an impure wife Mucia, who was surrounded by eunuchs from Pontus and troops of the countrymen of Mithridates. Others thought that he knew all and submitted to it; but a comrade told him during the campaign, and the conqueror of the whole world was dismayed at the sad intelligence. 

Pompey could be considered a successor of sorts to Sulla. As a young military commander, he was wildly successful, ruthless, and bold. He became consul of Rome at age 35, an unprecedented feat attributed to his popularity. All this was still not enough to inspire his wife to remain true. They divorced after Pompey learned of her frequent adultery during his military campaigns.

Cato, the Censor, had a wife Actoria Paula, a woman of low origin, fond of drink, violent, and (who would believe it?) haughty to Cato. I say this for fear anyone may suppose that in marrying a poor woman he has secured peace. 

A poor woman will not be automatically appreciative of your relative wealth, and make only modest demands of you. She will still want everything you have to offer. Just as you want her sexual best – and nothing less – she will want your provisional best – and nothing less.

When Philip, king of Macedon, against whom Demosthenes thundered in his Philippics, was entering his bed-room as usual, his wife in a passion shut him out. Finding himself excluded he held his tongue, and consoled himself for the insult by reading a tragic poem. 

Even kings are made to sleep on the couch. Sing it with me: “Who run tha world?”

Gorgias the Rhetorician recited his excellent treatise on Concord to the Greeks, then at variance among themselves, at Olympia. Whereupon Melanthius his enemy observed: “Here is a man who teaches us concord, and yet could not make concord between himself, his wife, and maid-servant, three persons in one house.” The truth was that his wife envied the beauty of the girl, and drove the purest of men wild with daily quarrels. 

How do you keep multiple girlfriends happy? Make each one secretly believe she’s number one.

Whole tragedies of Euripides are censures on women. Hence Hermione says, “The counsels of evil women have beguiled me.” In the semibarbarous and remote city Leptis it is the custom for a daughter-in-law on the second day to beg the loan of a jar from her mother-in-law. The latter at once denies the request, and we see how true was the remark of Terence, ambiguously expressed on purpose – “How is this? Do all mothers-in-law hate their daughters-in-law?” 

A mother often understands her son’s wife/girlfriend better than he does – that hatred means something.

We read of a certain Roman noble who, when his friends found fault with him for having divorced a wife, beautiful, chaste, and rich, put out his foot and said to them, “And the shoe before you looks new and elegant, yet no one but myself knows where it pinches.” Herodotus tells us that a woman puts off her modesty with her clothes. And our own comic poet thinks the man fortunate who has never been married. In all the bombast of tragedy and the overthrow of houses, cities, and kingdoms, it is the wives and concubines who stir up strife. Parents take up arms against their children; unspeakable banquets are served; and on account of the rape of one wretched woman Europe and Asia are involved in a ten years’ war. 

I am not sure what war Jerome is referring to here, maybe someone with better history knowledge can chime in.

We read of some who were divorced the day after they were married, and immediately married again. Both husbands are to blame, both he who was so soon dissatisfied, and he who was so soon pleased. Epicurus the patron of pleasure (though Metrodorus his disciple married Leontia) says that a wise man can seldom marry, because marriage has many drawbacks. And as riches, honours, bodily health, and other things which we call indifferent, are neither good nor bad, but stand as it were midway, and become good and bad according to the use and issue, so wives stand on the border line of good and ill. It is, moreover, a serious matter for a wise man to be in doubt whether he is going to marry a good or a bad woman. The Snares of Marital Love; Chastity Recommended to Women Aristotle and Plutarch and our Seneca have written treatises on matrimony, out of which we have already made some extracts and now add a few more: “The love of beauty is the forgetting of reason and the near neighbour of madness; a foul blot little in keeping with a sound mind. It confuses counsel, breaks high and generous spirits, draws away men from great thoughts to mean ones; it makes men querulous, ill-tempered, foolhardy, cruelly imperious, servile flatterers, good for nothing, at last not even for love itself. For although in the intensity of passion it burns like a raging fire, it wastes much time through suspicions, tears, and complaints: it begets hatred of itself, and at last hates itself.” The course of love is laid bare in Plato’s Phaedrus from beginning to end, and Lysias explains all its drawbacks – how it is led not by reason, but by frenzy, and in particular is a harsh gaoler over lovely wives. 

Jerome is talking not only of oneitis, but of pure lust as well. Both can lead to a man’s downfall. In both cases, sexual jealousy can rear its ugly head. But if a woman wants to cheat or branch-swing, there is virtually nothing you can do to stop her from acting on that desire, or from having the desire in the first place. And if a woman does not want to cheat or branch-swing, then jealousy is useless and can only damage your standing in the relationship, perhaps leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. And all the while, your feelings of rage and inadequacy only cause you psychological harm. That said, I completely understand the natural tendency to become jealous. It is probably an evolved, instinctive response to being cuckolded or losing reproductive opportunity, which would’ve been useful to avoid wasting resources and to keep your genes in the gene pool. But if sex is all you’re after – and the women you sleep with fulfill your sexual desires – then what do her other lovers matter to you? Sure, STDs are a concern, but if it’s your goal to sleep with multiple women, you’re already exposing yourself to considerable risk.

There is nothing blacker than to love a wife as if she were an adulteress. Men who say they have contracted marriage and are bringing up children, for the good of their country and of the race, should at least imitate the brutes, and not destroy their offspring in the womb; nor should they appear in the character of lovers, but of husbands. In some cases marriage has grown out of adultery; and, shameful to relate! men have tried to teach their wives chastity after having taken their chastity away. 

I think this speaks to the hypocrisy of men expecting women to enjoy having sex, but only with them and no one else. If a woman likes wine, would she only drink chardonnay? If a woman likes country, would she only listen to Carrie Underwood? Likewise, if a woman genuinely enjoys sex, why would her tastes be limited to just one man?

Marriages of that sort are quickly dissolved when lust is satiated. The first allurement gone, the charm is lost. 

Relationships based on attraction alone do not last, simple as that. You actually have to be compatible as people – if that’s possible between a man and woman. You both need enough self-control and motivation to overcome your straying impulses. Men must check their desire for polygamy, and women must check their desire for hypergamy. Otherwise, the relationship will become exploitative on one side or the other, or dissolve entirely.

What shall I say, says Seneca, of the poor men who in numbers are bribed to take the name of husband in order to evade the laws promulgated against bachelors? How can he who is married under such conditions be a guide to morality, teach chastity, and maintain the authority of a husband? 

Even then, men were compelled to marry and place themselves under the yoke. Remind me again how Marriage 1.0 was such a good deal? Ain’t a damn thing changed.
Summary: St. Jerome, one of the most influential figures in early Christianity, warned of the follies and dangers of marriage, and advised wholeheartedly against it. Even during Marriage 1.0, women often ruled the relationship. Famous philosophers, powerful rulers, and charming orators were unable to keep their wives in check. Jealousy and mate-guarding are useless to prevent cheating, they can only help a man to walk away from potential cuckoldry and abuse. It is paradoxical to expect a woman who enjoys sex to only desire it with you. Conversely, it is irrational to expect a chaste woman to act like your own personal whore.
Do not marry for sex or love, because the relationship will crumble when mutual attraction fades. Marrying to have kids is also foolish, because you don’t know how they will turn out or whether they will actually support you in your old age. Ultimately, it is impossible to know for certain beforehand if a woman will make a good or bad wife, so it is wisest to avoid the risk altogether. DO NOT MARRY.

Hi! I’m Lena, 23F from Philadelphia. I work with kids on a daily basis, mostly teaching them STEM Related stuff. I’m also a part time student studying comp sci. I honestly don’t have too many interesting hobbies, since I’ve spent a while being a bit depressed for a year or so. I love to play games and read, I love writing. And I absolutely love movies. I watch a lot of true crime, science fiction, and fantasy films. I have an “alt” look I guess but nothing too crazy, and also have been losing weight and lost 50 or so lbs recently. (I was wildly fatphobic unintentionally and hated myself) I’m currently trying to teach myself to ride a bike and get outside more since I’ve been a hermit crab recently.
But enough about me, what about you? You’re a funny person, at least in the stupid genz kind of way (I’m obviously gen Z born 1999). You love sports but stupid ones like soccer or nhl (I like both). And you like to talk on the phone rather than text, as texting seems so out of touch with people. And you love roller coasters (a must)
I know it sounds like I’m describing me in a man. But I’m looking for a bestfriend, too. Someone who I could never get bored with and would never get bored of me.
Dumb post ik. I’m also a highly affectionate person and would love to just stay inside and cuddle, or talk after work on the phone while I’m on the subway bc (I can’t drive). I also love going for long walks, and trails are cool when there’s no bears (im so scared of bears)
IMPORTANT — Absolutely please nobody older than 28. I mean please. It’ll just clutter my inbox.
— Lastly, nobody unwilling to send photos to me AT FIRST MSG. To make sure there’s a mutual attraction.
I know this sounds like a lot to some but I’ve posted before and my inbox was flooded, I’ve talked to people for weeks before knowing what they’ve looked like.
Thanks for reading this far!
Anyways here’s me

Hi guys... I'm 36 male, and i suffer from intestinal issues since I was a kid.The last 6 years, my intestinal issues has been really WILD,especially when I'm extremely stressed. More specific :Sometimes, after eating, or before (or during) i have a bowel movement, i feel inside my ears low frequency sound, like subwoofer which is constant, i feel dizzy, my eyes get blurred, and i have tachycardia. It passes after a few minutes, and leaves me cripple for an hour or so. Sometimes, I jhave shivers after that.. Anyone feels this way? Does anybody has the ear low frequency sound that i describe? This period, my intestines feels so bad, that anytime I eat something, my head get so foggy, tired, sleepy, i have severe light sensitivity, and of course, my sleep is really really bad, and I feel so exhausted...

I had a hit of pot last night and remembered why I disliked it so intensely. Right after, I was just flooded with anxiety. Nothing was funny or remotely interesting. I thought to myself, "why do people actually bother with this ?"
We ourselves never had an illuminating moment in the past with reefer. And I don't think we would ..... it's not that cacti some spend millions of dollars on to experience an epiphany . It was regs. It was crappy 🍃.
I'm grateful I now know what I won't be doing in the future lol. My stepsister kept asking if I wanted one of her kittens, specifically this cream half Siamease lad, and of course I uttered "Leif" whilst cuddling him. But no, m'am, I live in a camper with two small children who have allergies. My stepdad is highly adamant that I not have any pets (despite my protests) and I can't afford a high maintenence cat. I've no space for a litter box, money for deworming, vet bills, the list goes on and is exhausting.
My mom commented I was "off" last night (this was before I smoked). I felt like reminding her that as wildly eccentric and unapologetically crass I can be at times, this is ME. Unfiltered, I'm still keeping my ducks all lined up. It just pissed me off because nothing is ever good enough with a narcisstic mother. I had a heart to heart with her the other day which fell on deaf ears. She still seems to think my feelings tie in to me being self absorbed, and thus are not valid. "It's not about YOU!" She screamed into the void. So, naturally there is no winning with her. I've just come to the point where venting to you is my only form of self expression. My therapy, if you will.
I take care of my kids', very well I might add. I pay as much as attention as someone with PPD, GAD, and other issues can. My anxiety medication has been a lifesaver for those moments where I can't breathe. I'm taking a vacation from ADHD meds that literally just make me feel like a paranoid android. Emotionless. Robotic. Flat. Eff that.
I'm also finally taking care of my health. I want to have my asymmetrical tonsils removed and my RN mother is hysterical about it. I'm all for caution and whatnot, but woman, let me do what I gotta do. My pain threshold is high. I already cared for our oldest after his tonsillectomy- don't I deserve to take care of myself ? She went off about how everybody she knows who did it said the recovery was months out. She forgets that if you stick to what the doctor says and stay super hydrated, you'll be golden.
Ah, I have to quit bashing my mom. I'm on a roll today. That being said, she has work tonight. I can just unwind with the kiddos. We leave for OUR TRIP in 2 and a half days. That will be fun. 16 hours in a car with a screaming one year old and neurotic dogs. Woot.
Love ya

I call my kids Boy (15) and Girl (16). I love the Simpsons and I always thought it was funny that Homer referred to Bart as Boy and Bart called him Homer. With my father everything was yes sir no sir.
I also constantly tell my kids that I love them and am proud of them.
For some reason the name thing puts a wild hair up my dad's ass.
He was over last weekend and he was vociferous about how I'm hurting his grandchildren by not calling them by their names. I told him that my kids were happy and to leave it alone.
He just wouldn't drop it. So I called my kids over to where we were talking and I asked them if they wanted to be called by their names instead of Boy and Girl.
I said in return they would have to call me Sir not daddy or dad. I said I would accept Father in emotional conversations. But that I would no longer remind them every day that I loved them and was proud of them.
They both did they were happy with the status quo. They know what my relationship with my father is like.
My father got all pissed off and said that's not what he wanted at all. So I asked him how often he told my sisters and I he loved us or was proud of our accomplishments or just as people.
He said it was a different time. That his father was worse than him. So I asked him if he thought my kids were happier than myself and my sisters were growing up. I pointed out that my kids are happy. They are reasonably well adjusted.
Now he is being pissy and my mom says he is upset that I think he was a bad father.
He wasn't. He was just emotionally distant. I hated it. My sisters both had some therapy to help them choose better men. They both "fell in love" with any guy who gave them attention. My daughter knows her worth and won't settle for anything but the best. My son has no problem hugging me and telling me or his mom about his life.
They are teens, I know I don't know everything going on with them. But I'm doing my best to be there and give them the support I never had.
My kids know they are loved. I don't just say it. I try my best to show it.
My dad thinks I'm being an asshole for pointing out where he didn't do great as a father when he tried to criticize my parenting.