Burn notice jesse porter | | What's the plan, Phil?

hello! i’m 149cm 22F 45-46kg (fluctuates and also haven’t weighed myself in the last month for mental health reasons lmao).
i train 4-5 days a week at the gym. 3 strength training (i’d say relatively intense - as in shaking by the end) and cardio - walking burning about 330cal per cardio session. i also try to do 30mins of cardio after each strength training session. on average eating about 1300.
though i’ve been training for a year now it’s really over the past few months that i’ve noticed i’ve lost weight (not on the scale, but visually) and i think it’s because i’ve been strict with my calorie counting. however, i’m sick of eating at a deficit and i feel like i can’t train effectively or eat enough protein to tone this way. also, the last couple of weeks i’ve been eating over my calorie deficit and not training as much bc i was sick and i didn’t notice any changes in weight.
i’d like to be lean and toned so i’m wondering if eating at maintenance and training as I currently am would be better (thinking might swap one cardio session to strength?). i’ve still definitely got body fat (especially on my tummy) so i’m kind of scared to move away from a deficit.
should i switch to maintenance and if so how long should i trial it for?

Hi there, hope this is where i can post about my problem. If not i shall delete this post. So my problem is with my daylights. I had the bulb on the left blow, like literally she wasn't there when it went out. Right one was okay and running. So i changed the left bulb and it lit up. Then i changed the right one also because it was going to die also/ deformation of the bulb. When i changed them they lit up fine, and when i turn on the main headlights an error popped up saying there is a problem with both my daylights. This happened every time. After the message 30 seconds to 1 min would go and the angel eyes would stop working. This happened a couple of times and now they turned off for good. The thing is the originals (bulbs) were H8 12V 35W but the guy sold me H11 V12 55W and i didn't notice that. I spoke to the guy and he said they are basically the same and there shouldn't be the problem. Yeah but, the watts are different 35-55W. So could it be a fuse that burned or could there be a bigger problem here? I've checked fuses but only the ones in the trunk and there was indeed a burned one which i changed but there was no change in anything. I'm gonna take out the front fuse box today and see in there. I'm writing here for some info if anyone has gotten a problem like mine before and has a possible solution.

Repetitive behaviour is one of the main traits of autism, however it comes to show in many different ways. I'm curious about what exactly it is in terms of neurology (I'm looking for relevant studies, in case you know any!), because it's often just described symptomatic like ridget routines, watching the same movie or listening to the same music on repeat and so on. But I rather not mistake it with a psychological need for comfort, but then again - it might even be two sides of the same coin - cognitive latency makes task switching and sudden changes difficult, even stressful, so obviously sameness creates the comfort of predictability. But in that case, the root of the stress isn't the unpredictable things, it's the anxiety about having to cognitively adjust. I discovered that for me, this ridget thinking doesn't revolve around a specific theme as much as it's about the way I use my brain. If working a lot on stuff that requires me to use problem solving, even if it's fun and challenging, I'll keep being in this cognitive state in other situations that doesn't require me to problem solve. In case of distress and situations that isn't linked to my special interest, I might still be problem solving subconsciously, even if it doesn't matter because there are just certain things that are out of my control. No wonder why we burn out so much. Other times I'm stuck in "artist" mode, and use all my senses for creative inspiration. It's almost the complete opposite of the planning mode, I'm in an 'open mindset' rather than closed and specific. It's blissful, but I forget everything about all my obligations in life. Even my central nervous system has a latency in the way it reacts, which have often confused me when I tried to figure out why I was anxious. I found a pattern in my triggers, and discovered that especially deep rooted traumas triggers symptoms a few hours or even a day later (and even that feeling can get stuck as well). A discovery that complicates things in social and work related situations where I don't have the time and mental energy to notice and reflect when I get triggered and boundaries crossed.
It makes me think twice about the thing about executive disfunction in autism. I know a ton of autists (and myself included) who's special interest require a lot of problem solving and planning - executive function stuff. But since it's a special interest, motivation is up, and a lot of stuff is just muscle memory (and memory takes less mental energy than executive functions), but since executive functions are some of the most energy costly things for our brain, and the latency compared with the dopamine rush just makes it hard to stop the flow (hyperfocus), there isn't much energy left for the boring tasks that also requires executive functions - especially not if the brain can't make the same shortcuts and rely on memory. Daily routines is a mundane task for anyone, but if your mind isn't hyperfocused on all the alternative routes to work, the task switching from memory to planning is an adjustment with little to no dopamine reward when you discover that your usual route is blocked due to maintenance. So it's not stubbornness that makes the autist have a meltdown due to change, it's the lack of mental energy and time to adjust. And any other stress or anxiety is just a bottomless pit of mental energy waste that increase the energy expense even further. Stress and anxiety that isn't part of autistic neurology, might even perceive the situation as dangerous, shutting down certain cognitive areas - such as executive functions (common stress symptom), combine that with a social anxiety about coming to work late, and you got a snowball rolling - but most of it might not even be due to autism itself, but rather the psychological consequences of being autistic. I think it's important to distinguish those, and I wish more studies took this into account.

This happened so fast in the span of 48 hours and it really made me open my eyes at certain people I knew.
So for the really short context of what we were, was that we have('had' now I guess) a group of several university friends (we're all around age 20-26, gender doesn't matter here really). I'd love to create a relationship chart cuz it's kinda messy to explain but I'll try my best.
The parties involved are My bf and I (dating for 5 years++), my self proclaimed bestfriend, my bf's self proclaimed close friend, my bf's brother, a girl we hang out with, a pacifist that's the biggest floater I've ever met, and an innocent dude that just wanted things to die down.
There's a lot of back story and rants about my self proclaimed bestfriend but I'll cut it short. She doesn't have the best mental health and has a lot of negativity. We used to be quite close when they didn't let mental health define her. But after embracing therapy, she turned worse, way worse. She tried to search up symptoms of the possible mental health issues the simple test she took and applied as much as possible on herself, then used them as an excuse for everything she did. Every 2 sentence involved a mental health issue that she [thinks she] has. Certainly, she refuses to get actual mental health assessments because it's expensive, yet she's spent thousands per year to get anything aside for the assessment that takes several hundred. I've been enduring it, telling her about how I get affected by the negativity too. She has the tendency to place her Suicxxx attempts on us, and I got real sick of it. For several years, I still tried to talk to her, engage conversations with her, as long as it did not evolve into extreme negativity where I have to take responsibility of stopping her doing anything stupid. Because I knew that I was not enough, as she never listened to any of my advice anyways. Looking back, I was never exactly a friend to her.
Then, she got close to my bf because they became coworkers. She started treating my bf as a brother. But I personally cannot accept. Not because I was afraid she would take him away or something, it's that she was still introducing us as if we were close. When I say as a brother, I meant calling him the middle of the night because of mental breakdowns, telling him the times she's tried to k*ll herself and how he saved her, texting him for no reason (she never texts me, the 'bestfriend'), despite having a bf of her own, decides to choose my bf over her own. I find this absolutely inappropriate, and I've told her that. But she brushed it off as, owh you're just jealous, don't take away my 'family' from me (she has an awful relationship with her family). It's basically this thing called Transference. I'm not gonna dwell too much on it.
Okay so, finally going into the situation. My bf had a fight and I accidentally brought it to our group chat by sending the message to the wrong chat. My bf decided to elaborate on the fight. At that point, I've already left the group chat to deescalate the situation, since I never meant it to happen there. My bf left afterwards too. But the dude who wanted things to not be complicated added us back (poor dude). My self proclaimed bestfriend started to post 'what was needed to be said' in the group. On how everyone is having rough times and that we (mainly me) should control ourselves and get help (rereading it, they were basically dissing me). It was a long wall of text. Me being angry af, honestly replied 'TLDR' and left the group.
I was still angry at my bf, but as I was writing a long essay trying to tell him why I was angry, I realise that it was all anger on how my self proclaimed bestfriend, that just happened to be slightly related to the couple fight situation because of the group. It is then I realised, it's time to get out of the group, and finally cut things off, for my own mental health.
As I made my decision, it seemed like some people are pissed. My bf's self proclaimed close friend said that it was 2 issues: the fight, and the cut off. Apparently, this 'close friend', my 'bestfriend', girl we hang out with, these trio were actually discussing amongst themselves on what to reply, and decided to let my 'bestfriend' be the one to tell us 'what needs to be told'. Way to use a scapegoat. They've knowingly used her when they knew I had issues with her. This then clicked in my and bf's head, it explained why they're on her side, explained why he(close friend) thinks it's not fair for me to cut off 'bestfriend' as quote "it seems like you placed your previous hatred on her into the situation and now the group has to deal with it" aka he thinks I mixed up the situations together. Truthfully, I did not. I've apologised for the mistake I've made, and TLDR-ing ppl's worry. That's issue 1. This was the last straw and I made my decision to cut her off. That's another issue. There's no mixing.
Well for more context, our entire group is unhappy about 'bestfriend', we've said to talk to her about it, an intervention. But days, weeks, months passed and all they did was call my bf more and more, and no actions from the group at all. The entire group has asked the question, why is she even here, no one likes her. And I always have a guiltily say, it's because of me.
So what happened was that I was my bf's plus one, and she was mine. I placed hope on her getting better, so never cut her off. But as more and more gatherings and more and more questions of why she's even in our friend group throughout the years, these questionings also pushed me to consider if it was time to cut her out, so no one else needs to suffer because of my plus one.
Anyways, as I truthfully texted 'bestfriend' that I'm cutting them off, with reasons of 'never actually treating me as what they proclaimed' 'getting too close to my bf even after I've told them not to' 'spreading negativity unconsciously'. But told her that we can reconcile when she can finally get a hold of her mental health. She read it, called 'cloae friend' (no idea what they talked about), called my bf, and pleaded. She pleaded to my bf to not leave her. You read that right, she wasn't sad that she's losing me, she was sad that she's losing my boyfriend. She gave my boyfriend an ultimatum, he chooses me, or her. If he chooses me, she will cut him off because he will still be dating me. In the trios surprise, he chose me. So she cut him off.
Note that when I meant that she never texted me, it meant. She never texts me. She had the audacity to tell my bf that it was because "she would never reply". I've checked receipts, I have no idea what she's smoking but I have always, ALWAYS, replied. This made me wonder, what kind of misinformation is she spreadin in the echochamber.
Next day comes, she finally replied to me and said "I genuinely hate you" then blocked, running away from any hardships as usual. Anyways, my bf replied in the group as usual when she posted something. Because it wasn't my bf that cut her off, it was the other way around, so why couldn't he? He then gets a angry message from 'close friend', giving him another ultimatum, 1. Bear the consequences of quitting the group because he chose to cut off 'bestfriend'. 2. Not choose me. 3. Fix me and make everyone friends again. Well, my boyfriend chose the quit the group. In which, to be very honest, 'bestfriend' should have left the group or 'close friend' should have left if he couldn't stand it. My bf did nothing wrong lmao. You can also see, that 'close friend' got the information of my bf cutting her off instead of the other way around. So really, is it miscommunication, or misinformation being spread, or reading comprehension problems?
Well anyways, there's that. Below are rants about the double standard and big head scratching moments
So of course there are side pickings, the trio is on one side, and the rest on neutral, some on ours. None of us on our side are sure what's wrong with the trio for thinking the ultimatum is the way to go. But we did find that it's because they have family issues, so they thought of the group as a family. And they probably want the group to stay as it is. And behold, to them, yours truly ruined it. But for what 'close friend' said to me, it does not seem like he's ever seen me as a family, just, my bf's crazy gf that spread bad vibes to the group and never get help. Know that all I've sent to the group were memes and funny shit happening at work, and the last time he has personally talked to me was at the new year's party we had (yes, 5 months ago and during then I was positive af than ever). I don't know what bad vibes or not getting better he's talking about but doesn't he sound like he's "placed previous hatred on me into the situation"? There's tonnes of other double standard shit he's said to me and honestly, we all just wondered, what happened to this guy. He used to be a chill dude, thats better at adulting. Instead, he used his double faced salesman skills on us, thinking we wouldn't see through it. Guess the consequences of unemployment got to him. None of anything he said implied 'fix it with bestfriend so we can go back to normal'. Also, if u want to fix a family, you have them talk it out, not attack the person that finally couldn't take it anymore. Well, can't blame them, they don't know what a family is.
The codependency of the group got waaaaay toxic than we have ever imagined. And those 3 being in an echochamber will probably never realise it. 'Close friend' created their own group in the morning right after my bf left by the way, consisting of the trio, the floater, and my bf's brother. Yes, he made my bf quit the original group, and made another group.
We're damn pissed at the fact they didn't include 'dude' in. The reason they were pissed at me was because I made the decision of cutting someone out without consulting the rest of the group. Hmm, and they did the exact same thing to the dude.
The reason they didn't add the dude that just wanted things to die down, was cuz he asked if the ultimatum really is the best option. And quote the 'close friend' "dude could have shut his mouth like floater and the brother". We have no idea why the brother is in the group, but all he said was "well, both sides is kinda at fault" and bam, he's a part of them now.
Somehow this shows that they are so out of their mind, that they added my bf's brother into a rant group (unsure if this will be just a rant group or the finalised group for now) about his own brother and his brother's girlfriend. We theorise that it might be that the trios have horrid sibling relationships, so they thought my bf and brother would have too. It's just hilarious because 'close friend' plays DND with brother and my bf, he should know how close they are. Did they expect brother to not tell us this? Did they think brother hates me too?
'Close friend' legit said that he has a lot less to lose than my bf and I in this situation. Funny thing is, the group was created by my bf, he can do it on a whim, he can do it again, he doesn't need this group. On my side, I am an extreme introvert with dissociation problems (I'm getting it fixed, not because of this situation though, it's for my bf) that I never got close enough with anyone, aside from this 'bestfriend', but well, I can get a friend fast, I can lose them fast, dissociation at their best. I'm not sure why 'close friend' tried to one-up me on this, the one winning is whoever gained from this. He lost all respect we have on him, and he's stuck with a selfish suicidal that wouldn't a get professional diagnose for 5 years.
The only concern I have is when 'close friend' comes over for DND, I've decided to act as if nothing happened, since the boys (DND group) never interacted with me usually anyways. But if he throws me stink eyes or shades me in anyway, the fight's on. I'm not burning the bridge with him yet, only because of my bf, but no one can stop me if he taunts to burn the bridge down. The battleground? In his face, because he's a massive coward. (Okay this is rant about him now) he said that he has harsher things to say, but he doesn't say it. He said that just because he didn't say anything, doesn't mean he nothing to say. Then say it, coward. Until now, he has not said it. Until now, he's been throwing away his principles and being double standard. Until now, his arguments were from the echochamber of the trio. Where are your words, coward?
Truthfully, I just really want to get this out of my chest, and I thank Reddit for having everything. I'm not sure if I'll finally let this go. But this is a good try. For two days, it's been hectic for my bf and I. And it really.... Confused us to see our friends turned like this. And how the innocent 'dude' was just like the old man that keeps losing his cabbages for no reason in Avatar TLA.
Anyhow, issue has died down, my bf and I are closer than before. My mental health is noticeably better (disregarding the anger from the situation). We've seen the true colours of certain friends. We can still be friends with the other's in the group, just that the group chat is now abandoned. The sadness is mainly nostalgia. There are things that should stay as memories, and trying to pursue what is gone only brings stress and disappointment, so this really is the best. Overall, we'd say that we actually gained for losing those negative points in our lives that we never noticed/dealt with.

Darkness engulfs me. It devours me like the creature I fear most. I try opening my eyes but there’s no difference. All I see is total black nothingness.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t deathly terrified of the dark.
At home there’s never a time when I allow darkness to fully overwhelm the light. I have night lights and security lights lining every hall and in every room. I’m never one hundred percent in the dark. That is, not until now.
I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead at the mere thought of what could be lurking in the inky blackness that envelopes me. Even the most mundane holds terror when you can’t see it but your mind tells you it’s there. A throng of spiders waiting just out of reach to make me its next meal. A pit of snakes that you dangle perilously close to the precipice.
If you can’t see, how can you tell if your eyes are open or closed?
I reach down and press my hand against the cold floor that I lay on. I stretch out my fingers, laying them flat to feel it. The cold creeps into them, its tendrils invading my body like a virus. It feels like the darkness is digging through my skin deeper down inside me to my bones, to my marrow, to my soul.
I’m lost in this sea of gloom. I don’t even know where I am. I’m terrified to make a move lest I tumble over the invisible edge.
I don’t know how I got here.
I don’t know where here is.
I’ve no idea why I’m here, unless…
As fearful as this mysterious place makes me, the thought of unless chills me to the marrow. The darkness is even set aside for a moment in my mind, displaced by the unless.
It seems so long ago and at the same time, it feels like it just happened. The deepest, darkest place in my soul. The thing I keep locked up tight, never to ponder let alone discuss. The unless is untouchable. Only in my worst nightmares does my subconscious toy with the idea of the unless.
No. I can’t let it consume me. My thoughts running rampant won’t help me to discover what this place is. I must do that first if the miracle of escape is even possible.
I slowly slide my hand outward as far as it will reach. Each micro-moment prepared to withdraw it if harm is approached. With my senses diminished, the only way to search for harm is to sacrifice my hand. Like sending out a scout to see if the area is clear or the enemy is close by.
My hand reaches its limit unmolested. I change direction from straight out to an arc. Feeling for anything like a one-winged snow angel.
My hand discovers nothing, but the movement has stimulated something of my lost senses. I hear the sliding of my fingers on the floor’s surface.
It echoes back to me quickly. I try once again, faster and louder this time. The echoes return almost immediately.
My mind absorbs the details and makes a conclusion. The room must not be very big. It augments the conclusion with the supposition that the floor is concrete. The smoothness, the cold, and the sound it makes all seem to come together.
I further test the conclusion by forming a fist and knocking on the floor.
The sound and feel cement the hypotheses.
As I congratulate myself on my deduction, I hear something. Having not moved, I don’t think the sound came from me. It happened only briefly and I wasn’t listening for any sounds outside the ones I’d made.
My mind replayed it and came to a startling conclusion. It sounded like a sigh.
As if someone was my unwitting cellmate in this murky prison.
Relief and despair fought a furious battle at the prospect of another in my company that I know nothing about.
Company in this tenebrous place would be a welcome happenstance. It may even lead to our escape if we work together.
However, if I am here about the unless then what horrid crime had they committed to be relegated to this torturous existence?
Caution seemed the most prudent course. Perhaps my cellmate was unaware of my existence. Keeping it that way until I could discover more seemed a prudent goal.
Armed with the knowledge of the floor’s composition and the existence of a potential cellmate, I set about to gather more information about my surroundings.
I rolled onto my back slowly, so as not to make any noise that would alert the other to my presence. I then used my other arm to search for any obstructions within its arc.
Finding none, I proceeded to move my legs as far to the side as possible, completing my concrete angel.
Next on my list for this absurd exploration, I slowly rolled over onto my stomach, making sure to feel as far out with my hand should a sudden drop-off present itself unannounced and end my journey in the most horrific fashion.
Finding nothing to impede my progress, I took the next step of taking my first step.
As I did, my shoe brushed the floor, making a sound that under normal circumstances would barely be noticed. However, I wasn’t in normal circumstances.
The effect was immediate and terrifying.
This time there was no sigh. It was a low-throated growl.
I became a statue as liquid nitrogen rushed through my veins. The growl was deep and throaty, like a lion’s only somehow different.
Every inch of my being clenched in a group effort to stay as still as humanly possible. My hope was that this thing would think it had made a mistake and hadn’t heard the movement of its next potential meal. It was more than a hope, it was the key to my survival.
The problem was I was trapped in a position kneeling on one knee, about to get up. My knee on the hard floor was starting to complain and I knew it was only a matter of time until my balance wavered.
I couldn’t hold this position for long. I was already starting to shake from the effort. My balance was wavering, beads of sweat formed on my forehead. I hoped it couldn’t smell fear because I was throwing out waves of it.
My leg was shaking, my knee was screaming. I had to make a decision. Do I sit back down or go all the way to standing?
Whichever I did needed to happen fast before my knee gave out and I collapsed to the floor in a noisy heap.
I decided to stand. Putting one hand on my knee and the other on the floor, I pushed up and ascended. As I rose, my knee popped. It wasn’t painful, but it was loud in this quiet room. So loud that it echoed back to me.
I made it all the way to the standing position before I heard the growl again. This time it was followed by sounds that were much worse. First was a sniffing sound as if it was testing the air, searching for its prey. The second was the soft yet unmistakable sound of a footstep.
I didn’t breathe as I waited to hear another. I listened for any sound, and unfortunately, I heard one. It was this thing’s breath. It was long and slow as if this monster’s lungs were huge to accommodate a massive body.
The sniffing continued but the second footfall didn’t come. Perhaps it was as confused as I was as to why it was here.
I was never so glad about the darkness as at that moment. I was still terrified, but at least the darkness had become my ally if only for a moment. I couldn’t see the monster, which was a blessing in itself. My imagination was already picturing the most horrendous, demonic thing that ever cursed the planet with its existence. But the darkness was a double-edged sword. It couldn’t see me either. If I stayed quiet enough, it might write me off as nothing more than a figment of its imagination.
With only rhythmic breathing and no sound of pursuit, I took my first standing step away from the beast. With measured and calculated caution, I stepped away from the sound of my bane and felt silently and cautiously with the toe of my shoe to make sure there was a floor to step onto.
My foot landed with the impact of a feather. I transferred weight to that leg and stepped with the other. With the lights on and no demon waiting to devour me, my motions would’ve been quite comical.
As the situation was, they were anything but.
I continued the arduous task of silent escape, listening intently for any change in the monster’s breathing.
Time had no meaning in this place, but if I were to guess I would say it took me nearly half an hour to take ten steps.
The eleventh step, however, was the problem.
When I put my foot out, it hit something.
I immediately froze. I couldn’t tell if the something had been hard like a table, or soft like another creature lying in wait for some poor stupid person to stumble into it.
I drew my foot back and waited to see if whatever it was reacted. The darkness didn’t abate. At times I considered holding my eyes closed. At least that would keep them hydrated. For some strange reason, it also seemed to help my focus.
I listened for any sign that this object was alive and/or about to devour me. After a few moments, the only sound I heard was my own breathing. I tentatively stuck out my foot and touched the object again.
It was hard and unyielding. I reached out with my arm and also touched something solid. I felt around on it and bent down all the way to the floor.
It was a wall.
The rough texture and ridges told me it was made of concrete block. I reached as high as I could, even getting up on my tiptoes, trying to find anything useful.
I explored the wall, feeling my way to the right until I reached a corner. As tempted as I was to turn and feel down this new wall, I knew it ended on the side of the room where the monster dwelled. I had no desire to approach that thing without light and a very deadly weapon.
As much as my fingers had become my eyes, my ears became my sonar, staying tuned to any sound. To this point, there hadn’t been much.
That didn’t last.
There was a shuffling sound that made me freeze. It was followed by the sounds of scraping on the concrete floor. Its soft breathing had gotten deeper and steadier.
It was getting up.
I stood in my corner not moving, barely breathing as I heard one soft footstep after another, getting louder with each step.
It was curious about the other side of the room… my side of the room.
I had to focus not to give it a strong smell to follow. I hadn’t used the bathroom in hours. Not that there was a bathroom in here that I knew of, but I would’ve used the other corner and then never returned to it until nature called again.
As the monster continued across the room I could hear sniffing.
It was hunting for me.
My nerves told me to run. My mind told me to stand still. My bladder didn’t care as long as it was emptied soon.
The footsteps continued to approach. There was no doubt it was searching for me, and it would find me. My mind ran through every option available in a blindingly dark room with a beast searching for its next meal that was slowly approaching.
I hugged the wall and started toward the other side of the room.
Common sense argued that I had no idea if there was another creature on the far side of the room, but there seemed to be no choice.
As we continued our silent dance, I pictured the creature passing by as I slid along the wall toward its side of the room.
When we had both reached the halfway point, it suddenly stopped. I froze and held my breath as it sniffed the air. For a long moment, it was totally silent. It seemed to be holding its breath as well as if listening for me.
I kept my eyes squeezed shut and focused on being totally still. My lungs were burning from holding my breath. I knew I would soon spew out the stale air and gulp in fresh.
I also knew that would be the end of me. The creature would know I was here and it would use the sound to track me down and tear me to bloody shreds as it devoured me.
The countdown had begun in my mind. It was a matter of seconds until my lungs gave out and I had to breathe the last breath.
10…
9…
8…
7…
I heard a footstep. The creature was moving again.
I held my hand over my mouth and slowly exhaled, then just as slowly inhaled. It was difficult to keep my oxygen-starved lungs from demanding more air, but I was able to catch up quietly without breathing so hard as to make noise.
I continued on my perilous journey toward the unknown, carefully listening to the creature also continue its journey.
As I reached the corner of my nemesis, fear gripped me as I stepped on something soft. I waited for an attack that never came. Slowly, I reached down to explore this newfound softness. It was hair. Soft fur the kind that an animal would shed.
All my suspicions were now fact. There was an animal here. It wasn’t just my imagination. My fear and anxiety were fully justified.
As I made my revelation, I heard my nemesis reach the far wall and bump into it. It then began sniffing in earnest.
It must’ve caught my scent.
It knew I was real too.
The sniffing was getting closer. I allowed myself a moment of panic before the realization that the only thing I could do was continue my course around the room. I made my way through the blanket of fur and headed for the far wall, feeling as I went for the one thing that may hold my potential rescue, a doorknob.
So far, there had been no indication of a door whatsoever. I prayed that the unexplored wall would remedy that.
I continued on this insane and deadly game of ring around the Rosie, stepping up my speed as much as possible while still staying silent. It’s one thing to know you’re being hunted, it’s another thing altogether to ring the dinner bell by giving your position away.
I was counting on it becoming confused when it circled back to its own nest. It was still as dark as ever and apparently, this thing didn’t have any better night vision than I did.
I reached the far corner and hope surged through me that I would find a door. My escape seemed imminent. I stepped up my search, going faster along this wall, but also feeling as much of the surface as possible in search of the desired door.
My hopes came crashing down when I reached the next corner without finding anything.
It couldn’t be.
It had to be here.
How else did this demon and I enter the room?
My despair crushed me like a ton of bricks. There was nothing left to do. This thing would eventually catch me. There was no escape.
In the middle of my pity party, I noticed something. The room was silent.
I couldn’t hear it sniffing.
I couldn’t hear it breathing.
I had no idea where it was.
I tried to keep my breathing under control as panic washed over me. There was nothing to do but wait.
In the darkness, I felt something soft brush against me.
It had found me.
The subtle growl was no longer across the room, it was right here in front of me.
OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!
I felt a river run down the inside of my pants as my bladder finally gave up the fight.
A sharp claw ran across my throat, not hard enough to cut, but enough to let me know I was about to die.
I couldn’t take it anymore. The darkness. The silence. The menace.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I screamed over and over. It wasn’t even words, just primal sounds that escaped me. Every wail as a baby. Every cry of pain. Every shriek of fright as I woke from a nightmare. I let them all out. The screams of my victims as they suffered at my hands. The screams of their families as the court sentenced me. The screams inside my mind in a cell alone thinking only of the unless.
The unless.
The unless…
The unless!
Suddenly the lights came on.
I covered my eyes to ward off the brightness. As I slowly adjusted I was able to look around the room.
The creature was gone.
No, it couldn’t be.
I looked over at the wall where I had walked through the fur, but there was none. I looked all around, but there were only blank walls.
Where is it?
Whereisitwhereisitwhereisit?
I turned round and round, but it was gone. Had it ever really been here?
A door opened and two large men dressed in white came in.
“No,” I screamed. “Don’t come near! It’ll get you!”
They marched across the room oblivious to the danger and picked me up.
“It’s time to go back to your room,” one of the men said, picking me up under the shoulder. “The doc says you’ve had enough therapy for today.”
“Did you see it?” I said.
They carried me out without answering. We came into a hallway that stretched forever. I tried to look back at the open door.
“Don’t let it out,” I said. “You’ve got to keep it in.”
They didn’t bother to look back, just continued down the hall.
I turned and saw it peek it’s head out of the room.
“No!” I screamed.
They didn’t stop, didn’t slow, just picked me up so my feet dangled off the floor until we reached a room. They unlocked it and set me in on my bunk.
“You should probably get cleaned up,” one of the men said as I tried to get up but he held me down.
“You know how this goes,” he said. “You stay on your bunk until we lock the door.”
The second man backed out of the room then the first man released me and followed him.
I ran for the door.
“You don’t understand! It’s loose. It’ll kill you all!”
They turned and walked away.
“No!” I screamed at the tiny window in my door.
I pounded on the door for a long time, but no one else came by. Maybe it had already gotten them. Maybe it would come to my door and peek in my window with blood dripping from its mouth.
I stepped back from the door, feeling exhausted. I looked over at the tiny shower stall and did what they suggested.
Everything was built into the wall. The shower, the sink, the table, the bed, there was nothing I could use to hurt myself or defend myself.
After I took a shower and put on fresh clothes, I sat at my desk and wrote what had happened with the monster. When I was done I laid down, hoping to be able to rest.
At the appointed time, the lights went out.
The darkness engulfed me.
It devoured me like the thing I fear most.
I lay there with my eyes open, waiting.
In the black nothingness, I heard it, a soft growl.

Hey there EM folks - you know the drill. Does this look like it could be erythromelalgia? I have a possible MCAS diagnosis, but I have no itching and ice/cold water (note the ice pack) do help provide some relief - though I might need to take a cold shower and immerse my entire body for quite a while to achieve it. The burning and stinging is heat, exertion, hormonal shift, and post-prandially triggered, and can last hours or days. My facial skin thickens and tightens a bit during long flares, sometimes developing pockets of edema in places like over my cheekbones. It's consistently worse on one side, but it spreads to the other too when it's bad. I have a lot of dysautonomia issues and comorbid junk, like hEDS, POTS, Hashimoto's disease, etc., so I do flush from various things, but the burning flares are far more intense. It feels extremely hot to the touch, like a severe sunburn, and this lighting kind of stinks - I'm really fair, so it's noticeable. Any thoughts/info appreciated! I am not responding much to histamine receptor blockers and feeling unsure about being in the MCAS treatment pipeline right now.

Hello Dear,
My name is Alex. I had been battling weight issues for years, feeling trapped in a body that no longer reflected their vibrant spirit. Fed up with the constant struggle, I decided it was time to embark on a transformative weight loss journey that would change their life forever.
I began their quest armed with determination, resilience, and a burning desire for a healthier future. They knew that change wouldn't happen overnight, but they were committed to making sustainable lifestyle adjustments. The journey ahead would be challenging, but I was ready to conquer any obstacles in their path.
The first step I took was to educate them about proper nutrition and create a realistic and balanced meal plan. They consulted with a registered dietitian who helped them understand portion control, macronutrients, and the importance of incorporating a wide range of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains into their diet.
But I knew that a healthy body required more than just a nourishing diet. They decided to introduce regular physical activity into their routine. They started with simple exercises like walking and gradually increased the intensity over time. To stay motivated, I joined a local gym and discovered a love for group fitness classes. From high-energy cardio sessions to strength training, each workout brought them one step closer to their weight loss goals.
However, like any weight loss journey, I faced moments of doubt and temptation. There were days when they felt exhausted and discouraged, but they refused to let setbacks define their progress. I found strength in their support system, leaning on friends and family for encouragement and accountability. They also turned to online communities and support groups, where they connected with individuals who shared similar experiences and provided valuable advice.
As weeks turned into months, I noticed significant changes taking place. Their clothes began to fit better, and they experienced a surge in energy levels. These visible and tangible results fueled their determination even more, reminding them that their efforts were paying off.
One year later, I had achieved a remarkable transformation. They had shed a substantial amount of weight, not only improving their physical appearance but also enhancing their overall well-being. The confidence that radiated from within I was undeniable. They had discovered newfound self-love and embraced their body with pride.
Motivated by their own success, I decided to pay it forward and help others facing similar struggles. They became a source of inspiration for friends, family, and even strangers, sharing their story and providing guidance to those seeking guidance on their own weight loss journeys.
Today, I continue to lead a healthy, balanced life. They understand that the journey is ongoing and that maintaining a healthy weight requires consistent effort. But armed with the knowledge and experience gained through their transformation, they are confident in their ability to overcome any obstacles that may arise.
I's weight loss journey serves as a testament to the power of determination, resilience, and a positive mindset. Their story reminds us that we all have the ability to achieve our goals, no matter how challenging they may seem. With the right mindset, support system, and unwavering commitment, anything is possible.
So I, on your incredible weight loss victory! Your journey is an inspiration to us all, and may it serve as a beacon of hope for those who aspire to transform their lives for the better.

When I look at my work from a few years ago compared to now it's gotten worse. Way worse. Somehow. I don't know how either. Leading up to the year 2019 my work was not that great, wasn't horrible but I could see it improving. Then I wrote a book that I consider to be the best thing I ever wrote. There are a few others that are up there in tone and amazing quality. Then for some reason, I lost that touch and it's all been downhill from there. I can't even write fan fiction anymore. To be clear, I can physically write but when I read back what I wrote I wonder what the hell even happened. Why can nothing measure up to the stories I used to write? Why does everything suck now? Part of me thinks it's because I had the stupid idea to self-publish and when I got little to no recognition doing that (except for one book which did better than expected but not great) I feel like every ounce of confidence I ever had left my body.
I used to write fan fiction a lot and I used to have a good following for it. In one specific fandom. Then I kind of left that fandom for various reasons and I tried to write for others that I was interested in. I can't seem to duplicate the same magic or spark I used to have. I want to write, I want to be as good as I once was but no matter what I do I can't match that. I can't get there. Even my friends agree that I've gone seriously downhill since I wrote the one book that I consider to be "the best" and sold a couple of hundred copies of it. Nothing measures up to that. Or even comes close. For my whole life until maybe the past few months all I've wanted to do all the time was write. All I did was write. I had such a burning passion for it and the flame somehow just left. I don't know how to get it back and I feel completely empty without the drive to continue because that's all I ever wanted to do with my life. Write. I guess since it's become painfully clear I cannot and will not be as successful as I hoped my brain can't convince me I'm good. How do I ignore this? How do I convince myself that I'm not that bad or is it the truth? Did I really peak at this one book and I can't ever be better than that one story? I need to figure it out because I don't like this feeling. It's not writer's block because I assure you I can write it's more like everything I write seems so very subpar to that one thing I wrote and even other people notice the change. I just want to rekindle the spark I once had even if it's only for writing fan fiction.

Yay, new chapter is (finally) out! Only took a damn month. Why must May be so busy? At least I've managed to get chapter 9 mostly done as well, so that will be locked and loaded soon. Then I'm hoping to pick up the pace a bit.
Anyways, in this chapter both the snow wolves and Tostig plan their next moves, and the decisions made will affect the Ulstads.
As always, this story can be read up to the current chapter in both fanfiction and AO3 if you'd prefer those sites to reading all the text on reddit.
Fanfiction: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14198757/8/Land-of-the-North-Wind
AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45067345/chapters/119955676
Banishment
Tostig looked out at this city under siege. Part of him felt for his people, but at the same time they could not be allowed to bow to wolves. He would not bow to wolves and their demands. They were lesser, and they were rivals who were only useful for labor and trade in times of peace. And yet, the situation they were in now was not sustainable and everyone knew it. Just then, the door to his chamber was opened and his lead counselor, his right hand, stepped into the room.
“You wished to see me, my lord?”
Tostig took a sip from his wine chalice before turning away from his window and walking over to his desk with slow, deliberate steps. Upon locking eyes with his trusted advisor, the lord gave a small smile.
“Yes. I was hoping you’d have an inventory of our supplies ready to discuss.”
The counselor stepped forward, producing a stack of documents that had been written up by scribes. “Of course, my lord. Here are the inventory lists on the items you requested. Firewood, coal, wine, ale, spirits, bread, and meat are all right here.”
The counselor then placed the lists in his lord’s outstretched hands.
Tostig then got to the point of their meeting, “but all of these lists are to answer a single question. Do we have enough supplies to make it until spring?”
His counselor lowered his head and shook it slowly, “No sir. We’ll be out two months before the first ships can make safe harbor at the coast.”
Tostig sighed. “Then it’ll have to be done.”
“Are you sure, my Lord?”
“What choice do I have? We tried leaving, we tried getting necessary supplies, and even rations won’t carry us through the entire winter.”
“Those poor souls…”
“The keidran, overall, are tough beasts. And if you ask me, some of them played a hand in this whole mess, I just know it.”
“In what way could they be responsible, sir?” The counselor asked, confused.
“You really think every keidran in this town wants to be serving humans in some way or another? Their brethren are outside the walls, likely promising them a place of refuge for themselves and their slave relatives back east if they help the snow wolves kick us out.”
“That seems unlikely, my Lord.”
“Even if I’m wrong about their loyalties, the fact is keidran are more disposable than men. I can do without all these extra servants and menial laborers, but I’m going to need my miners and loggers when the snow clears, and the crown sends the best troops in Mekkan to our aid.”
“Your will is my command, sir. I’ll have Gerrick gather all his guardsmen in the great hall this evening. We’ll need every able-bodied member of the garrison.”
“Very good. Also, please send for the healer. These headaches… that medicine hasn’t been working.”
“Of course, my lord. Right away.”
The sun was setting on another day of the town under siege. The wolves had not made any moves to attack the walls, but why would they? They controlled the land and sea for hundreds of miles in every direction. A counsel of the elders was called in the camp overlooking the settlement. In the middle of the camp was a large, portable lodge made from thick timbers cut in the Snowy Pines. The frame was bound tightly by many hides, proving insulation and blocking the fierce winds that would often sweep across the tundra. Normally, settlements were permanent, but some wolves that had ventured into human territory took notes on how their rivals conducted war, and moveable houses were the answer to navigating across harsh country that was so brutal even the ever-adaptable humans had yet to conquer.
Outside the lodge entrance waited a tall, young snow wolf. Icy-white hair was bound tightly into a knot under a hat of seal fur. Extra layers of fur helped to protect the wolf from the elements, as even in winter the temperatures were colder than any canine could safely withstand. Blue eyes pierced through the growing darkness, a slight glow from his mana crystal necklace giving his face some soft illumination. He was waiting, watching for someone. Others came into the lodge one and two at a time. After a while, the young wolf was beginning to worry. “Where could he be?” The thought.
Just then a lone figure hobbled into view. A snow wolf much like him seemed to materialize out of the blowing snow that cut the visibility down significantly. Now only the glow of Callow could be seen in the distance. The old wolf, walking with a cane, finally found his way to the entrance.
“Grandfather, I was getting worried about you. You know I could help you up the hill, right?”
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself Bjorn. I might be almost as old as the wood holding that lodge together, but I can still find my way around camp. Now, let’s get inside, shall we?”
“Of course grandpa…” Bjorn then held the entrance to the lodge open so his frail kin could make his way inside where it was warm.
Following his grandfather inside, Bjorn was hit immediately with the warmth of a fire, fueled by wood brought in from the forest by sled, most of it cut down courtesy of the logging teams they had chased out a month earlier. The glow from his mana crystals was quickly overtaken by the bright, orange light of the fire. The young wolf removed most of his outer garments, placing them on the ground to use as a seat. He sat down behind where his grandfather had made himself comfortable. As an elder, the old wolf held one of the seats in the clans moot, the council of elders that had assembled to deal with the human problem.
All inside the lodge waited silently as their shaman conjured magical light structures from her crystal necklace in a ceremony to purify the air. The lights were dazzling. Bjorn’s favorite was seeing a replication of the night sky, a spell which was meticulously maintained through the generations showing each visible star as well as the moon. Another spell finished the ceremony, seemingly purging the air from the lodge, the fire reducing to embers, only to roar back to life as new, fresh air came in to fill the vacuum. It was then that the shaman gave a special blessing and prayer to each of the council members before taking her seat in the back as an observer. The five wolves then allowed for a silent pause to pass over all in attendance before beginning.
The designated leader of the council, tasked with mediating the clans moot, broke the silence, “my friends, our actions this winter may ensure the survival of our people and way of life, but one misstep and we will surely suffer greatly for our actions against the humans.”
A graying elder from the clan west of Widow Lake then saw fit to add in his thoughts. “Indeed, Bragi, but I believe our actions so far have been successful. The humans and their keidran servants have been completely cut off from their homeland and their king. No one will be able to help them until the snow leaves.”
Frey, the elder representing the clan at the split between the Widow and Pines rivers then spoke, “My warriors were successful in destroying any attempts by the humans to reach the sea. I’ve seen some of the bodies from their first attempt, and I believe that many of their most capable are dead. We ought to press an attack while we still have an advantage in the snow.”
Garth, Bjorn’s grandfather, and widely held to be one of the wisest elders in the North, urged caution. “It is true, Frey, that your warriors have slain many humans who could defend the walls, but many more are still inside. We’ve all seen the patrols along the top of the wall. Besides that, your warriors let one boat get away in the humans’ first attempt to summon help, didn’t they?”
Frey was forced to admit the mistake. “You are right, Garth, one did manage to slip away in the night. My warriors say they followed a light they thought was a lantern from the boat, but it was something else. It was alive, but they could not get a good look at it, and the light they followed led them into a sand bank. But a large storm hit shortly after. Surely, none survived.”
Garth had a different thought. “I would not so easily discredit these humans. Sure, they lack our fur, but they are adaptable creatures. I’ve seen with my own eyes the mines they’ve built. If they can bring the heart of Mekkan to the surface, their best may be able to survive winter.”
Bragi, always one to listen to a wolf with so much experience, wanted to know how this would affect their plans. “Garth, do you think the humans would bring reinforcements?”
“Assuming they survived, it could happen.”
Frey wasn’t as convinced. “Even if that one crew did manage to make it to the coast, it would still be months before the humans could bring an army to our shores. But that is all the more reason to find a way into the city.”
The last wolf in the council had been silent up until then. He was the youngest, though his offspring were still well into adulthood. He had earned a reputation as one of the best strategists among the snow wolves, having to regularly repel attempts by the forest wolves to gain more territory along the southern border. “An attack on the walls would be a failure. One does not kill a bear by fighting it on its terms. To kill a bear, one must outsmart it, and force the creature to fight in a way it is not used to.”
“So we should do nothing then?” Frey surmised, but the younger wolf shook his head.
“No, the wall is a bear. If we simply run up to it, our warriors will all die. But if we can find a weakness or fight the humans in a way they are not used to, then we will have the advantage.”
Garth then added is trademark advice of caution. “Though we must be patient, my friends. There will be an opportunity before spring arrives. As the weather gets colder and the snow gets deeper, our advantages will grow.”
Bragi then came to a possible plan of action. “I know Tostig. Once desperate enough, he will want an open battle where his trained guards can win, even in the snow. It would be too great of a risk to meet him in such a battle, but we could bait him to it.”
The wolf from Widow Lake then had an idea of his own. “My warriors could conduct raids on the humans’ stashes of firewood and supplies. There are some close enough to the walls that they can be reached. Once the humans start getting cold, they will be forced to either submit or do battle.”
Bragi nodded in agreement. “Do we have a plan then?”
All nodded and prepared to cast their vote when a shout from outside the lodge alerted the gathered snow wolves. A guard rushed in to deliver the news. The Shaman stood up upon this intrusion. “A clans moot is a sacred gathering, outsiders are not permitted unless invited. Child, why have you trespassed?”
The guard was gasping for air after running for a couple of miles to the main camp. “Apologies… humans… outside the wall.”
Perhaps the battle was coming after all? Bragi then stood. “Garth, have your grandson take your best warriors to trap these humans. This may be the beginning of the very battle Tostig would try to arrange.”
Garth then looked behind him at his nephew and nodded. “Go, Bjorn, I’ll find my way back. Be safe.”
Garth bowed his head slightly in respect of the others. “Thank you all for permitting me to the clans moot. I will track down and subdue these humans before they can cause trouble.”
With a wave of Bragi’s hand, Garth then exited the lodge with the guard and ran toward the main camp to find as many warriors as he could at a moment’s notice.
The Ulstads were preparing a dinner of rations in the empty tavern when a knock came from the front door. Anna Marie, who was closest, stopped sweeping to open the door. She was surprised by the evening visitor. “Sam, whatchya doin’ here at such an hour? We’re ya joinin’ fer dinner?”
Sam didn’t answer as he came into the foyer, but the look on his face told everyone that something was wrong. Liz stood up and quickly made her way to Sam, with Shadow and Asher close behind. Ivan leaned his head out from the kitchen. Liz took Sam’s hand in hers and looked him in the eyes. “Sam, what is it? News from Connor?”
Sam just shook his head. “I’m sorry Liz, I wish it was.”
Shadow then asked in a more direct voice. “Then what is it? You look pale.”
“It’s Tostig. He’s… well, he’s given the guard an order.”
“Come on, Sam, out with it?” Shadow said, worry seeping into her words. Sam took a deep breath to collect himself. They needed to know.
“Tostig has ordered every non-human in Callow… he’s banished them from the town.”
A thick, baritone voice boomed from the kitchen. “What?” A look of horror came across Asher’s face. Shadow too was shocked.
“Like Ivan said, ‘what?’” The leopard could hardly believe what she had heard.
“Liz, Miss Marie, you are both allowed to stay. But guards are going door to door right now and rounding up all the keidran. Shadow and Asher, you had better collect what you can before they arrive. I’ll escort you both personally so that neither of you have a hand laid on you.”
Anna wouldn’t have it. “They’s just as much people as us, Sam. Shadow, you and the boy should hide in the cellar. Ivan, get the darn hammer.”
“No Anna.” Shadow replied, letting it sink in. “We can’t just hide in the tavern all winter. Besides, what happens when you get caught?”
Sam had the unfortunate answer to that one. “Tostig has also ordered that anyone caught hiding keidran will be burned at the stake.”
That caused Anna and Liz to recoil at the thought of their own fate. It was more than enough for Shadow to make up her mind. “Come on Asher, we had better put on whatever clothes we can before— “just then, another knock came from the door, this one far more stern than before.
“Shit, they’re here already. I thought there’d be more time. Shadow, you can Asher meet Ivan in the back, I’ll get you three to the eastern gate.” Sam said before going to answer the door with Anna Marie. Asher didn’t quite understand all that was happening. He knew human well enough now, but things were progressing quickly for a seven-year-old. But Shadow quickly grabbed his hand and led them both into the room with Liz close behind. Once inside the room, Liz, locked the door to buy them at least a few more seconds.
Shadow, having been trained by assassins in the guild, wasn’t terribly concerned for herself. But being forced to leave Liz? She hoped that Anna Marie would keep the girl safe. Asher though was in trouble if they were being forced into the tundra. Her first thought then was to make sure the boy had as many warm clothes on as she could find.
“Here Asher, put this on, quickly.”
“I don’t want to leave, Shadow!”
“I don’t either, but we don’t have a choice. Sooner or later we’d be caught and thrown outside the walls anyway. Now bundle up as best you can be—”
Loud knocking came from the bedroom wall. “We know there are keidran in here! Open the door and come with us.”
Liz went up to the door to buy as much time as she could. “Just a minute!”
“Open it now woman!” Was the reply, but that was closely followed by Sam’s voice. “Hey, I’m highest rank here and I happen to know the two you’re after. Let me handle this and you two should continue down the stre—”
“Not a chance Sam, we’ve got orders from your father.”
“Then at least go get Ivan. Shadow and Asher aren’t going to put up a fight.”
Two more guards could be heard struggling to push the big wolf out into the street, and the intensity of the struggle caused the two guards standing near the room door to reconsider pushing their luck with someone who outranks them.
“Very well, they’ve got two minutes. If they aren’t out by then, we’re going to break the door down.”
Sam then moved to the side to let the two guards pass by.
Liz’s muffled voice came from behind the door “Are they gone?”
“Yeah, for the moment.”
A minute later, the door’s latch was undone, and it creaked open. Shadow and Asher had their wool jumpers on, along with whatever clothes they could find. Shadow was even wearing a pair of Connor’s pants. They were a bit tight but provided some extra insulation. Liz then followed the two, closing the door behind them.
“Why is this happening, Sam?” Liz asked.
“Apparently, we don’t have enough supplies to last the winter. So either everyone starves…”
“…Or the keidran freeze to death.” Shadow finished for Sam.
“Basically, yes. But you don’t have to freeze to death, there’s shelter that you can use, as well as food stores.”
“Where?” Shadow interrogated. Asher’s life as well as her own was on the line.”
“You’ll have to slip passed the wolves, but there are food stores and shelters in the new mining district across the river. It’s on the other side of Ditter’s Ridge.”
“Wolves?!” Shadow exclaimed. “How am I and the kid going to slip passed an army of wolves? They’d see us miles away!”
“I don’t know. I suggest hiding until the wind kicks up, the blowing snow will provide you with cover.”
The three stressed faces, Shadow’s looking like she was ready to murder, all stared at Sam.
“Look, this is a bad situation. I wish there was more I could do, but there isn’t. Tostig is Jarl, and his word is the law. If he says you must go, then you must go. If you try to stay, he could have us all executed.”
“Would your father allow that?”
“Tostig would execute my father too if that’s what it took to keep order in this town. I’m sorry, I really am, but—”
“But you’re doing whatever you can…” Liz grabbed and held Sam’s hand. “Is there a path or a tunnel or something that they can use to get around the wolves?”
“No, there isn’t. Look, you’ll have to move as quickly as you can. I’ll send help as soon as I’m able to, but right now this is your best chance of surviving.”
“Fine…” Shadow said, defeated and out of options. “Come on Asher, we had better go.”
The boy had other ideas “I don’t want to leave Liz! I want to wait here for Connor!”
“Connor…” Shadow thought. She tried to put it past her mind, but Liz knelt down in front of the boy.
“Asher, Connor isn’t coming back.” She said, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s been a month, and as much as I wish he’d bust into the tavern right now like he did with both of you back in the spring, it’s not going to happen. You need to leave with Shadow, she’ll keep you safe.”
“What about you?” Asher said, sniffling.
“I’ve got Anna Marie and Sam here to help. But you can’t stay here or Tostig would—”
“Kill us…” Asher said.
“I know we aren’t the closest, but Connor called you his brother, so I do too. Go, while you still can.” She then stood up. Before she could say anything else, Shadow embraced the girl.
“I’m sorry that I won’t be there to keep you safe.” Shadow said.
“It’s okay. But if you two stick together, we’ll all look back at this like a bad memory.”
“One of many bad memories.”
Sam knew time was up. “We better leave before those two assholes return. I’ll show you out a side entrance.”
Shadow and Liz let go of each other, and Shadow grabbed Asher’s hand before they both fled into the back alley behind Sam. The winding pathways between buildings eventually led them to a small door near the east gate. Shadow could see around the side of a building all the keidran being pushed out through the main gate. After looking around to make sure no one was watching, Sam produced a key, which began to glow as he recited an incantation. A hidden door nested into the wall glowed around the seal before opening, revealing a short tunnel to the outside.
“It’s one of the many emergency doorways out of the town. Only the guards have access, and most don’t know about them.”
Shadow, though impressed by the trickery, was hardly thrilled to be forced out of the walls. “If Connor ever comes back…”
“I hope he does, but for right now, you’re better off outside than inside.” Sam finished for Shadow, gesturing outside the wall.”
“Make sure nothing happens to Liz. Or I’ll find my way back,” Shadow lifted Sam off his feet and pinned him to the wall, “and burn this town to the ground with you in it.”
“I’ll protect her with my life if I must. You have my word. Now please, get out of here before someone sees me helping you.”
Shadow dropped Sam back to his feet, took Asher’s hand, and ducked through the hole in the wall. Once through, Sam closed the magic door with his key before slipping through an alley and joining the rest of the guards. Young ones were crying, old ones were being forcefully pushed, and at least one who tried to resist was savagely beaten. The guard was there to maintain order no matter the cost. After several minutes and much effort, the last keidran was shoved past the threshold. As the iron gate lowered from the ceiling, a couple of keidran made an attempt to get back into the town. But just as they were about to get through the inner gate, out of the crowd came several guards with crossbows. Without hesitation, their lieutenant gave the order to fire. In front of both humans and keidran, all those who tried to get through were cut down and left to die in the zwinger between the two gates. Their intentions made clear, the remaining keidran quickly fled from the walls just as guards took their positions along the walkway at the top.
Shadow couldn’t see what happened, but she could certainly hear it. Keeping Asher close, she used her skills at stealth to skirt along the bottom of the wall undetected. Asher at one point tried to say something but she quickly hushed him before continuing. Finding and avenue out in a blind spot from the guards, Shadow quickly moved past the ground torches could illuminate, finding safety in the darkness. Luckily, it was a clear night and Shadow could easily make out where the keidran had stopped. They looked to be in the process of scattering as keidran tended to do. They weren’t a clan or a tribe, instead they were in groups of individuals who knew each other. Shadow a year ago would have left them all to their fate, content to find the shelter she was informed of and waiting until spring. But now… now she could see scared children, elderly who wouldn’t make it two days in the winter snow, and many who were scared and confused, all in need of help.
“What are we going to do?” Asher asked, clutching onto her leg and looking up to her for guidance. He too was quite scared.
Shadow sighed, collecting herself. “We’re going to help them, Asher, and we’re going to survive.”
Just as the keidran were about to venture off in every direction imaginable, Shadow climbed up onto a rock and, illuminated by the moon, called for everyone’s attention. No one really seemed to care, at least until a loud, baritone voice cut through the air. Shadow looked to her side only to find a beaten and bloody Ivan standing near the rock, apparently having seen the pair in the cold. At once, everyone looked back toward the three figures next to and on top of the large glacial boulder.
“Good. Now everyone listen up! I’ve been told that there are stores of food and supplies as well as shelter across the river to the East. If we move now, we can be there by dawn, but we have to stick together, or we’ll all die.”
While some seemed ready to go, others weren’t sure. Arguing began between different individuals. Some wanted to make for the Snowy Pines, mostly the wolves. A few wanted to try and get over the mountain pass and into warmer country. Still others were talking about forcing their way back into Callow. None were, realistically, good options. But before consensus could be reached, or a complete breakdown in the large group of at least four hundred keidran, snow wolves approached from all sides, weapons at the ready. Out from the darkness emerged a big wolf, nearly as big as Ivan, wearing polar bear fur and brandishing a long spear.
Keidran tried to run but were quickly cut off. The group of exiles was completely encircled by several hundred strong warriors from the different clans. Bjorn then noticed something odd in the moonlight. Between all the people that they captured, only a handful had anything more than a knife. Certainly no weapons of war, and plenty were half-naked and freezing.
“Where are your weapons?”
“What do you mean?” A tigress asked. “We have none.”
“Then what is this? Are you all trying to run away or something? You’ll freeze out here.” Bjorn bellowed. A young child then pushed his way to the front. It was Asher, the only basitin in the group. “W-we were kicked out, sir.”
“Kicked out?”
Ivan and Shadow came out from the crowd, quickly finding Asher. Shadow grabbed the boy and held onto him tight in case things went south. Ivan tried to reason with Bjorn, who was a bit intimidated by the wolf that was bigger than even him.
“Da. Jarl Tostig pushed us into the snow.”
“Explain.” Bjorn said, spear tip not lowering even slightly.
“What the big guy is trying to say is that Tostig found out there wasn’t enough supplies for everyone to last the winter, so he decided to get rid of every keidran in Callow. We’re exiles.”
This shocked Bjorn. He didn’t think anyone, not even a human, would do something so cutthroat. “Well, if you were hoping for our help, I’m sorry. But we don’t have supplies for everyone here. I can talk to my grandfather and perhaps the council will—”
“There are supplies across the river, if you’d let us go to Ditter’s Ridge we’ll stay out of the way of your siege. We certainly aren’t going to help Tostig after this.
“The big hill near Widow Lake? I thought that was just a bunch of mines.”
“It is, but apparently there are stores of supplies and shelter there.”
Ditter’s Ridge was still technically snow wolf lands, and the recent mining activity was part of why this whole situation was happening now. But these weren’t humans, clearly weren’t loyal to Tostig, and had no means to defending themselves anyway. After taking in the sight, he knew that they were speaking the truth, and that many wouldn’t make it more than a few days even in thick winter fur.
“Alright. We have no quarrel with you. I and a few others will lead you across the river. There’s a ford at Ridge Gate that’s shallow enough you all can cross without getting wet above the knees. We had better hurry though; another storm is coming.”
Shadow then walked up to Bjorn, noting that she was barely taller than his shoulder. “Thank you.” She said gratefully, extending a hand.
Bjorn looked down and felt his heart skip a beat. In a land of ice and snow, before him was a black-furred leopard, a keidran he had never seen before. He immediately reached out to shake her hand. “I am happy to help. Now, we had better get a move on.”
“Lead the way...” Shadow gestured as she grabbed Asher once again and made sure he walked closely beside her through the snow.
It was tough walking through the drifts. At one point, Shadow broke through a layer of hard snow into soft powder below. She sank up to her chest and was struggling to get out when a pair of snow shoes appeared in front of her. Looking up, she saw Bjorn extending his hand. In one swift motion, he lifted the leopard clean out of the snow and onto his snow shoes.
“Thank you.” Shadow said, stunned at how easy it was for the wolf.
“It was nothing.” He said, smile on his face.
In the early hours of dawn, the group of keidran spotted the Ridge Gate, a pair of towering bluffs the river cut through in order to make it to the sea. Soon, Shadow and Asher were some of the first to reach the shore of the river. Shadow picked up Asher and held him as she tried to cross, but the icy water stung on her skin. Bjorn then offered his help once again.
“Please, allow me.” He said as he picked Asher up and placed the boy on his shoulders. Before Shadow could continue into the river, he picked her up as well and held her under her back and knees.
“Oh... my…” Shadow said, looking up at Bjorn. “You really don’t have to.”
“I assume you aren’t from around these parts, considering the black fur.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Well, the river water is cold enough that you really don’t want to get wet if you can help it. So hold on tight, I’ll walk you across.”
It took a few minutes, but Shadow and Asher found themselves on dry ground. Without a word, Bjorn turned around and waded across the river again. It felt… odd… to be carried like that. But apparently the snow wolves were doing this for many of the keidran, especially the children. It took close to a half an hour before everyone was across, but by then it was a simple matter of climbing the ridge. At the top, Shadow and Asher felt the first rays of sun peaking above the horizon. It would fill the valley below for only a couple of hours before setting again.
“We’re getting close to the equinox.” Bjorn explained. “The sun will only break the horizon for an hour then, and it will get really cold.”
“Thank you again.” Shadow replied. “But I didn’t catch your name.”
“It’s Bjorn, ma’am.”
“Well, thank you Bjorn. I am Shadow and this here is Asher.”
“Glad to know you, Shadow. Now, where are these supplies you were talking about?”
“I’m guessing they are down there.” Shadow said as she pointed at what looked to be an abandoned mining camp. Once at the bottom of the ridge, the state of the camp was sad. Tents were blown down by the wind, a couple of the makeshift shacks were caved in from the heavy snow. But one large structure was locked up tight. Busting in the door with a log for a battering ram, the keidran found the first of many supplies. While the food was mostly for humans, and thus was a lot of flour and coffee, there was plenty of dried and salted meats. It wouldn’t be much, but with some careful rationing they’d all be able to make it through the winter.

When you don’t see someone for a while, they tend to look kind of different the next time you meet. That’s not because they’ve actually changed, but rather due to your memory being inaccurate. Still, I don’t think my roommate has always had barnacles growing on her.
Kit Sutton did indeed look different. Beautiful, but different.
In the short time we’d been apart, her hair had grown to an impressive length. It trailed after her through the water as she effortlessly hopped from rock to rock before landing in front of us. She was even more scantily clad than usual; in fact, she wasn’t wearing anything at all. Her normally olive skin had adopted a pearlescent sheen, interrupted by the algae, starfish and seashells clinging to her body. Her eyes shone in the light of our torch and she regarded us with an unreadable expression, putting a hand to her hip.
"I can't believe you're actually here." She shook her head, sounding like she wasn't even sure herself what tone to strike. "You… you'd better leave. And fast. I-it's nice to see you, though."
I took a step forward and hugged her. She felt slippery. "I've missed you."
"Yeah. Me too. You should still go now."
"You need to come back," I said. "I'm sorry I ever gave up on you. There has to be a way for you to come back."
She shook her head. "Eva, you saw what my father can do. You saw the wave and you just saw his grotto guard. There's, like, a thousand more where that one came from."
"What are you doing here anyways? Isn't this a kinda way too lonely spot for you to hang out?" Elijah asked. "Doesn't seem very you."
"Yeah. It's… not." She rolled her eyes. "I'm basically grounded. My Dad's gonna keep me here for the next two hundred years or so. I'm not allowed to leave until he trusts me again."
"Two hundred years?" Eli echoed.
Kit massaged her temples. "I don't like it either, believe me." Looking up, a hopeful expression crossed her face. "How's Nettie?"
"She misses you," I told her.
"She does? That's, um… nice."
"It's cool, I know about you two."
"Oh. Well. I'm really glad she's thinking about me. Is that mean? Because I don't want her to be unhappy, it just feels good, you know?"
"I can imagine," I answered. "And it only proves my point. We have to get you out of here."
"Dude, I said no. You actually can't beat my father. I wish that was an option, but it's simply not."
"Kit…"
"It's Chandra." She raised her head to fix me with a stern gaze. So empty, so joyless, so… unlike her. "It was nice being Kit and running around up top and living with you. Those were a good few years, and now here I am, paying the price. There is nothing you can do against my Dad."
Silence descended upon us for a sober couple seconds. I studied her expression, her set jaw and taut shoulders. "And what about you?" I asked. "Can you do something?"
Kit snorted. "You've never even seen me use any sort of powers."
"But you have them, don't you?"
"Actually, I do." She casually raised a hand, her wrist slowly describing a circle. Eli and I watched in astonished silence as a trail of water snaked its way up from the lake, arching above her head and trickling back down on the other side of the stepstone. Kit Sutton looked after it disinterestedly, then turned to us with a bored shrug. "I guess I can sorta control water."
Elijah was gaping at her. "Could you do this the whole time?"
"Nope. Only when I'm in my natural habitat. I'm the crown princess—" she spat out the words in discontent, forming air-quotes around them— "and the heiress to the throne, so I'm, like, ultra connected to my element or whatever. Not like my siblings."
"But as of now, you are stronger than them?" I queried. "Is there any possibility you could become stronger than your father, too?"
For a moment, she stared at me, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. "Actually, let me show you something." Her naked feet never once slipping on the wet stone, she proceeded towards the nearest platform rock, jumping off with ease and landing gracefully. After trading shrugs with Elijah Carter, we scrambled after her. She led us back a little ways and then down one of the other passages we'd glimpsed before, barely losing a word the whole time. I stopped trying to strike up a conversation, focusing solely on keeping up with her unnaturally sleek, swift steps.
"The olm you saw before was one of my father's guardians," she called out sharply over her shoulder. "The sea breeds giants, as they say. Or rather, Dad does. He keeps creating abominations like that, and he uses them to ward off outsiders in places where they don't belong. They're obviously not stopping me from running away again—you've seen that they'll obey me. But his Majesty has made it quite clear that if I break out, he's going to turn the town into a swamp. I'm not going to be responsible for people's deaths, or the loss of their homes. Especially not… not hers."
She came to a halt, squaring her shoulders. Above her head, I could make out the silhouette of an opening in the tunnel. "We're here. This… this should be enough proof that he'll make good on any threat he's ever uttered." She stepped aside to make way for us.
We hesitantly pushed past her and into the room that lay before us. It was different from all the others we'd seen thus far—it didn't lure one into a false sense of security with its descriptive beauty. In fact, the second the beam of our flashlight illuminated its interior, every last fiber of my being started to cry out to me, telling me to run. My flight instinct kicking in, I tried desperately to stay grounded somehow, to keep control. I couldn't allow myself to panic. This was a horrible time to end up going dimensions. I had to remain in this reality, no matter how difficult the sight before me was rendering the task.
I heard Elijah Carter gag beside me, his stomach revolting at what he saw. His hand abruptly flew to my shoulder, cold, sweat-slick fingers clamping down on my skin, hard enough to bruise. With my own stomach doing kick-flips inside my body, I could understand his reaction far too well. Instead of shrinking away, I reached up to graze his knuckles with my own, a fleeting touch I couldn't find the strength to hold. It was hard to be reassuring given the circumstances.
We were looking at a gallery of corpses. They lined the walls, the floor, the ceiling, all in different states of wholeness and decay. A viscous, transparent fluid was gluing them to the stone, fixing them in their respective places. In some spots, it looked quite shiny and fresh, while in others, it had hardened, encasing the dead bodies like clear, pale amber. It was an unorganized chaos, the carcasses strewn practically everywhere, some overlapping, some upside down. Some had their eyes still open, their faces eternally frozen in void, empty expressions of terror. Most bodies weren't even complete—arms, legs or heads were missing, pronounced bitemarks marring the aged yet well-preserved flesh.
Elijah and I found ourselves standing rooted to the ground, too terrified to move, too dazed to speak. My friend's dark gaze frantically raced over the walls, flickering across the horrid display, taking in the carnage. My own eyes seemed to be burning. My head was spinning, and I had to hold onto his arm to support myself—it felt as though my legs were about to give way beneath me.
A shimmering light at the center of the room caught my attention. Somehow finding it within me to steady myself, I took a couple faltering steps towards it. Elijah Carter followed suit and Kit Sutton wordlessly trailed after us. Stepping over the dozens and dozens of corpses in my way, I tried hard to keep my wits about me. When I finally reached its source, I was surprised to find it to be a pond, or rather a bottomless hole of water. Another connection to the sea, no doubt. The shine however seemed fine from within it, from down below where there would normally be just darkness. Looking in, the breath was once again stolen from my lungs. It felt rather like peering through a small window into a very large hall. I could only see a fracture of what lay beneath.
Hovering within the endless masses of water was the enormous statue of a woman. Her stony pale arms were raised, her hands reaching out almost pleadingly, as if she was hoping for someone to pull her up from her cold, abyssal grave. Her eyes, one of which was about the size of my head, were wide open, her colorless stare holding a wild, unreadable mix of emotions. Her lips were parted in a silent scream. An unearthly, bright glow surrounded her; it seemed to come from within her body rather than anywhere else. It was disturbingly beautiful.
"Her name was Calypso."
Kit's voice pulled me from my trance. When I turned to face her, she pointedly avoided my gaze. An idea took shape in my mind, created by the faint, wavery undertone of mourning in her words. "She was someone special, wasn't she?"
"My mother."
I swallowed, my pulse still thrumming in my ears. Stepping forward, I tentatively grasped my roommate's hand. She let go of a soft breath, the corner of her mouth twitching. "These people here have been rotting away for centuries. It's the worst punishment imaginable, isn't it. The lucky ones are dead before they get glued down, but the ones he's really angry at, he covers in that goo when they're, like, lethally injured. I don't quite know what this stuff is, but it slows down all those organic processes, the death, the decomposition…" She paused. "With Mom, it was different. He turned her to stone. The same kind that grows from the ground here, you know; that smooth, shiny kinda rock that looks real pretty."
"What did she do to piss off your Dad?"
"What did any of these poor fuckers do? Most of these are failed cult leaders, actually. You'd never guess how many cults the deep ones have dedicated to them. As for my mother, I don't know. I can't even remember her, to be honest." She shrugged with affected carelessness. "You see it now? My father is… just beyond comprehension."
"So are you, though, aren't you? If you think about it."
"Eva, I know you're trying to boost morale here, but it's not working. Please let me get you out of here. And for heaven's sake, don't come back."
She led us back through the labyrinth of tunnels and corridors, staying well behind when we caught the first glimpse of daylight.
"I promise I'll think of something," I told her. "I'll find a way to get you out."
She merely shook her head. "No, you won't. Just go home and look for a new roommate. Or move back in with Nettie. She'll be glad."
I clenched my teeth, but allowed Eli to press his palm to my back, guiding me towards the exit.
"Actually, just… just wait. Could you tell her I, like, miss her? A lot?" Kit shouted after us, a sudden note of warmth softening her voice.
Elijah turned back to her with a sad smile. "Of course."
We didn't return to the car straight away, instead walking along the shore for a little while. My extra limbs having retracted and Eli's face having returned to a less nauseous color, we didn't bear any outward traces of our experience in the cave. We didn’t talk much, but we almost leaned onto one other with how closely we stuck to each other’s side. Eventually, I gathered the strength to break the silence. “This can’t stand, obviously.”
“You still want to get her out?” He gave me a sidelong glance. “This is more for Nettie’s sake than anything else, isn’t it?”
“I do like Kit Sutton, and I miss her tremendously,” I stated. “But largely, it is.”
Elijah, having nothing else to add, gave a noncommittal grunt.
“Would you mind if I asked you something personal?” I asked.
“Try it and find out.”
“I was wondering about what Mary Markov said about you earlier,” I began. “An incident at a highschool.”
He sighed. Silence fell, and for a minute I thought he wouldn’t respond at all. Then, he slowed down, coming to a halt and turning to look out at the horizon. “So how do we do this, Shirley? You really want me to pour my heart out to you and let you in on my tragic past as we stare at the tossing waves? That’s a bit too romantic for the two of us, if you ask me.”
“But you’d let me in on your tragic past in a less romantic setting?”
“Oh sure, anytime,” he said lightly. “Well, not any time. I’d be okay talking to you about it, though. See, it doesn’t matter to me if you know or not, the problem is kinda the headspace and getting the words out of my mouth in the first place.”
“I’m glad you feel like you could do that with me.” I regarded his profile, noting how he swallowed and shut his eyes for a moment.
“Let’s go back to the car.”
So we did. Only that it wasn’t quite how we left it. Elijah noticed it first—a low, hissed curse escaped him as he bent down to inspect the damage. The back window had been smashed in. The brown folder Mary Markov had given me was gone.
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves
19: shopping cart
20: olms and Jewels

I noticed most book recs in this sub are either F/M or M/M. If anyone can please recommend good F/F romantic books with the themes mentioned above I would highly appreciate it!!! I have some preference with angst, slow burn, friends-to-lovers, but anything else works too.
oh and Some good smut would be bonus hehe

Ashwagandha has been amazing for me! I started taking it because I was at the lowest I think I have ever been and was willing to try anything. It was like a miracle, severe depression, anxiety, stress, all of it just disappeared almost entirely. I've even lost a bit of weight as an added bonus
I feel like I can function as a normal person now, hell I've even got confidence and hope I never thought I could have
In terms of side effects I have noticed I feel hotter than I normally do, but I've gotten used to it. I also experience incredibly realistic and vivid dreams but not nightmares, they are actually incredibly pleasant.
I can't say for certain ashwagandha has helped this issue but for years drinking water has burned my throat and I have no idea why, but it seems while on it this issue has gone away almost entirely.
Tldr: I truly think this stuff saved my life and I highly recommend giving it a shot

money spell:
Ingredients: - Green candle - Coin or paper money - Cinnamon powder - Patchouli oil (or olive oil) - Small bowl of salt
Instructions: 1. Light the green candle and place it in front of you. 2. Sprinkle a small amount of salt around the candle. 3. Anoint your fingers with the patchouli oil (or olive oil) and rub the oil onto the coin or paper money. 4. Sprinkle a small amount of cinnamon powder onto the coin or paper money. 5. Place the coin or paper money in front of the candle. 6. Close your eyes and visualize yourself in a state of abundance and prosperity. 7. Recite the following incantation three times:
"As I light this candle and look upon it, I call upon the powers of the universe to bring prosperity into my life. May money flow freely to me and success follow all my endeavors. May abundance be constantly present in my life And all my financial worries be laid to rest. As I will, so mote it be."

Leave the candle burning until it extinguishes itself or snuff it out with a candle snuffer.
Keep the coin or paper money in your purse or wallet until you start noticing positive changes in your financial situation.

Hi,
I'm certain I have Autism & fairly certain Inattentive ADHD. I am looking for a therapist that can work with me on unmasking and skills as well as some psycology. I'm on the edge of a burn out so this is priority.
I also want to get this confirmed through testing, and I want to make sure that itvis a place familiar with how women present. I have a referral to TEACCH, but they do not test for ADHD and they can take a bit to get into...
What is the best way to find good practitioner's?
(Ok, now it accidentally turns into a long info dump, but I managed to put important stuff up top 🎉)
I have had several doctors agree that I have HFA & I have done several screening tests that come back pretty strong.
I thought my issues were from a head injury, but right away I noticed that a ton of my flow charts for social interaction were missing going far back to when they were made of tinker toys, and all of my friending ones are gone. I can talk to people, but I need to make a few close friends again.
I had been watching some sm on ADHD as my mother & brother have it. I suspect AuDHD for my mom... But I had noticed traits in myself & was starting to educate as it REALLY resonated & then I stumbled on to some ASD vids and 🤯 my life is explained.
I'm not bad at peopling!! I'm and alien in an ill fitting people suit! I always wanted to explore other planets. 🤷🏻‍♀️🎉😶‍🌫️🫥
But I have a Lot of rough medical stuff I am Still sorting (luckily medical is a superpower), am on disability & have no support system here. I moved back to my home town after 30 years away & see my immediate family multiple days a week. My SO is not giving the support I need. Our 20 year relationship is a mess that I finaly convinced them to do counseling for, but I am not optomistic. I explained the below about burnout & they agreed to read the Autism & ADHD stuff and ' belives that I believe that I have this, but needs a diagnosis to be willing to say it" and after much back and forth on it that we are going to act under the assumption that I do have it & get assesed and if it shows different then we will adress that... based on how they still refuse to learn speak my love language (which is part of what I really fracking need rn) and past experience I'll believe it when I see it. I don't think think can handle this (living with an unmasked/unmasking autistic).
Its nice to know my family as an adult... but it is getting overwhelming & my SIL is a nightmare. Being around them has been dredging up all the trauma of growing up with emotionally & cognively absent partents. I have forgiven & understand, but man can it still hurt my inner child who is really starting to show... and the past few years I have managed to start reemerging from a fog if the mTBI & how I guess I was (lots of memory holes) & I was a lot sicker, but the past month's my health has been swinging the wrong way... but I started wearing presentable clothes, and then doing my hair & then some makup & then doing some introspection & realizing several months back that I need to build the inner and social life that supports me because my current one is not... I do not do well in a vaccum, which is how things ferl now but worse because I'm living in a kind of state of cognitive dissonance because the oerson I should be able to turn to isn't there, and then I feel bad about blabbering to someone that doesn't want to hear it, but I can't stop because I need the contact, but the contact often just reinforecs how much more I need 🙈🙈🙈🙈.... Aaaaaaa
I just want it all to stop. Not dead, but stop. I want to walk out of the room and keep walking, or be ABLE to get in bed and shut down. I feel like I am in the center of a storm that I have somehow kept at bay and that I am going to explode in a million shards.
I have been depressed & also had anxiety & this does not feel like that.
This feels like I am going to suddenly snap and.... idk thats as far as it gets.
I saw a vid on depression vs burn-out, and I think that all of this is a precursor to burn out, which could lead to depression if I don't have the capability to build what I need.
Regular counseling wouldn't help, because I need to rebuild myself in a comfortable me suit & learn some skills & get some practical coaching. I don't know how to get from here to what I envision.
Which brings us back around to I need a counselor in my area that specializes in AuDHD and can help help me figure out how to get my life on track living as ME... and I need to get official testing done.
Oh
WAS I IN A BURN-OUT THEN?🤯🤯 back when I was still sick & post head injury because I was barely able to function on ANY level. I was lucky that I could manage to make Dr appointments... I mean, I was sick & I was having some brain injury problems, but I was having meltdowns & just not present. My SO thought it was because I was on MMJ, but I do that now and up until the past few months was not as unfunctional as I was then, snd a lot of the things I read about burnout are I could easily have mistaken as TBI, cause I didn't know..

tl;dr: I've spent over 2,000 miles and almost a decade looking at optimizing solar setups for backpacking. The recent Nitecore 5000 mAh battery release has finally pushed solar ahead of using larger power banks in the American West.
Background
I first started using solar in 2014 on a thru-hike of the Colorado Trail. I had a 4,000 mAh power bank built into a plastic case with solar that weighed a whopping 13 oz. It seemed to work well enough for me then, but keep in mind Guthooks didn't exist and I was still using paper maps.
Before hiking the PCT in 2018, I spent several months and dozens of hours optimizing my phone and battery setup. This allowed me to entirely avoid larger power banks, and I moved to an optimized, for-purpose 3.4 oz battery solution. I still have not been able to beat this setup for power, which I used for 8,000-ish miles of hiking. My phone has since changed (now on a Samsung Galaxy S20 FE that I hate), making that optimized setup impossible. After changing phones, I moved over to an NB10000 and have around 5,000 miles worth of backpacking with that.
In 2020, due to COVID, I decided to re-hike the Colorado trail. I opted for using solar to avoid the amount of time I would need to spend in town, where I would potentially expose myself or others to COVID. After doing dozens of hours of research and testing, I ended up settling on the "10W" Lixada panel (~3.6 oz), and a RAVPower 3500 mAh battery (~2.5 oz). I was amazed by how amazingly this setup worked. I was running a Moto Z4, and I had more power than I knew how to use. I loved never needing to spend time in town charging, and I could listen to audio books all day and film endless video if I felt compelled. It was crazily liberating compared to the NB10000 or Moto PowerPack I had been using previously.
I loved that setup so much, that I tried to use the same setup on the CDT. I made it a few hundred miles before the RAVPower's micro-usb port catastrophically failed, and I had to overnight a power bank to my next resupply.
Before I move to the new setup I've optimized, let's talk solar pros and cons:
Traditional Solar Setup Pros and Cons

What's Good About Solar	What's Bad About Solar
If you're in the American west, you can typically get more energy than you'll be able to use	If you hit several days of significant cloud coverage, you may need to modify usage patterns
You don't need to spend time in towns waiting for batteries to recharge	Setup can be heavier than some power bank configurations (shorter trips)
You don't need to be very conservative with battery use between resupplies	Solar setups are more finicky than power banks
	Durability may not be adequate for the use-case

I've tried to make solar work for me over a couple thousand miles. The single biggest issue I've had when using solar has taken the form of numerous durability issues and various strain failure points.
When running solar, you attach the setup to the outside of your pack. It's a little finicky to get it on there (definitely easier to stow a power bank inside your pack). More importantly, it means the solar setup is directly exposed to the elements, and will literally take a beating. Every time you get something from inside your pack, you'll need to remove the solar setup from the top. When you do that, it ends up casually hanging out on the ground (you could baby it more, but omg.) Things break on the ground. Every time you unplug or plug your power bank in, you add stress on the power bank socket. The stress of connection points and jostling can wreak havoc on delicate USB sockets.

On the CT in 2020, I had a USB cable fail (bend stress), and had to purchase a new one in copper mountain.
300 miles into the CDT, the the RAVpower micro-usb socket failed on me, and it could no longer be charged. The panel was fine, but I needed a new power bank, and sent the solar home.
Recently on the AZT, I tried to optimize some different cable setups, and the new adapter added strain to the Lixada panel, creating too much torque and ultimately damaging the USB-A output plug ~50 miles in. I taped it and had a very finicky panel for the next 650 miles before abandoning it at the Grand Canyon.

Given these experiences, I've done a lot of work optimizing the weight and setup configuration to actually address the durability concern. u/liveslight has a great video of various setups, but the durability concern is not given adequate attention. It's not as large of a concern for shorter hikes.
My Optimized Setup
Photos can be found here

Lixada-equivalent panel. Handle cutoff + CCF (3.6 oz)
Nitecore NL2150RX (2.65 oz)
2.5mm Shock Cord and Locks (0.30 oz)
USB-C Cable and angle adapters (0.65 oz)

Total: ~7.2 oz (can be lowered/raised a bit with different Lixada tolerances, USB-C cables/adapters, and shock cord/locks)
There is allegedly a 18650 (NL1835RX) USB-C cell that Nitecore has. I can't find it for purchase except on Alibaba/questionable sites. I estimate this cell, if it really exists, weighs around 1.82 oz, reducing the total weight to 6.37 oz, significantly beating the competition.
The competition:

NB10000 Power Bank + equivalent USB-C Cable (5.7 oz)
Anker Nano 511 (1.4 oz)

Total: ~7.1 oz
(Note*: I actually end up using a much longer cord with the NB10000 setup, weighing around 1.5 oz, so that I can use my phone while I charge it in towns. This is an additional 1.15 oz hit over the cord I otherwise feel comfortable using with the solar setup alone. I have not included this larger cord in the 7.1 oz weight listed above*)
Feature Discussion and "hacks"
The Lixada panel*:* it is a very durable, reliable panel. It does not put out power at 10 watts, but you can anticipate reliable wattage in the 2-4 watt range in the American West. The Nitcore 5000 mAh power bank is an 18 Wh cell, which means it will take about 5-9 hours to fully charge the power bank using the solar panel. That means that after one day of hiking in the American west you will typically have significantly more power available for your needs than if you running the NB10000 (one 5000 mAh cycle + 1 charge).
There is some variability in the Lixada panels due to shipments coming from different manufacturers in China. I recently bought a new one from Aliexpress that ended up being slightly heavier than my old panel (3.75 oz vs 3.54 oz). After cutting off the handle with a skillsaw, it came to 3.6-ish oz. I have another panel coming from a different Aliexpress shipper that I expect to be around 3.4 oz (less plastic), further reducing the setup's weight compared to NB10000.
The Nitecore NL2150RX: This is the new piece of kit that really brings everything together. You no longer need a 21700/18650 cell charger, and the NL-RX "power bank" is close to the most minimalist "power bank" you can find, being little more than a cell. Because it's now running USB-C, you no longer will need to unplug/re-plug the USB-C cable into the battery to charge your phone. You can just unplug the USB-C cable from the panel, and plug it directly into your phone (why I've used a slightly longer USB-C cable).
Shock Cord and Locks: I purchased 2.5 mm shock cord and barrel locks from ropeandcord.com -- this is just about the smallest gauge cord that will reliably hold the battery in place, and keep the panel pretty stable on your pack without needing to worry about things.
USB-C Cable and angle adapters: This is key. You need to reduce strain points for the solar panel setup to reduce failure risks. To reduce strain at the USB-C socket on the NL2150RX, I got a right-angle adapter. This adapter enhances durability substantially, as there will be no plug sticking out orthogonally to the body of the battery. It can now lay flat, and there is a much smaller lever arm (torque is reduced) at the USB-C socket.
Similarly, I got a 180-degree, U adapter that goes from USB-A to USB-C. I think a better adapter can be found compared to the ones I bought.
Other odds and ends: You'll notice in the pictures that there is some blue CCF on the back of the Lixada panel. When you mount the battery on the back of the panel, it is exposed to sunlight. The panel shades it fairly well, but the heat will transfer through the panel, increasing the likelihood that battery overheating mechanisms will kick-in, disabling charging. I've added CCF to insulate the battery from the solar panel. It seems to be working.
Using the cut-off handle from the panel, I cut a few pieces of the remaining plastic and superglued these pieces to the back of the panel at the height that the USB-C cable comes off of the U-bend. This will decrease the lever arm acting on the adapter port, reducing the strain and possible failure of the USB-C port. Similarly, I added a sliver to the USB-C 90-degree adapter I have on the NL2150RX battery. This also acts to reduce the lever arm, further decreasing the risk of damage from impact.
Additionally, I folded over about an inch of yellow electric tape and wedged it into the USB-A plug on the panel, between the white plastic housing and the metal USB-A adapter. The panels have poor tolerance in manufacturing, and it seems the USB-A plug can have a tendency to jostle loose, disconnecting and reconnecting the battery. Tightening the fit seems to have fixed this issue. I also carry electric tape with me in my kit, typically to tape blisters.
Other Power Optimizations
I think there is significantly more optimization that can and should occur with phone setups. My current Samsung Galaxy S20 FE is an abysmal piece of shit. I got it because it supposedly had "legendary" battery life, but it seems to burn through battery much more quickly than any of the Motorola Phones I've had (a lot). With that said, it seems to have similar battery drain compared to many others' phones (25%-35% a day with reasonable usage in Airplane mode with extended power saving enabled, I need to charge it every night in default life, typically it's at 15% by midnight).
With that said, I brought only the NL2150RX on a recent 3 day backpacking trip. My phone was at 25% when I started (car charging cable disconnected) and I ended up getting back to the car with only 15% battery life remaining and a drained 5000 mAh cell (didn't take the solar panel). This is absolutely abysmal, and I will be looking at better phones for backpacking purposes this fall.
Concluding Thoughts
A Lixada solar panel along with the NL2150RX or NL1835RX offers significant improvement over an NB10000 power bank + Anker Nano 511 charger for approximately the same or better weight. Improvements from using this solar setup include:

significantly more power capacity when hiking in the American West, and
less time spent needing to wait for things to charge in town (e.g. 4 hours for the NB10000 to recharge).

I have made some optimizations and refinements to this solar setup to substantially improve the durability to a point where I think it can be reliably trusted for long-distance backpacking and multi-month thru-hikes.
With that said, I do not yet have enough miles with this new setup to personally feel confident that I should forego throwing an Anker Nano 511 into my backpacking kit. While I believe I have significantly improved the durability to a point where I do not anticipate components being damaged over thousands of miles, I also don't mind the 1.4 oz hit an Anker Nano 511 costs me for buying a lot of peace-of-mind. After I accrue another 1000+ miles of use with this setup, I will probably abandon the Anker Nano.
Quick aside on Anker Nanos: There are several different Anker Nano models:

Anker Nano 711 (1.15 oz)
Anker Nano 511 (1.4 oz, also cool colors)

The Anker Nano 511 features folding plug connectors. The Anker 711 has fixed plug connectors. I have now damaged some of my gear with the 711 because the plug connectors do not fold. I have decided that the 0.25 oz hit for using the 511 is worth it for the reduced risk of damaging gear that I pack alongside it.

First/Prev

The San later swore the same oath, and a few days later they were stepping onto the Semiramis, exclaiming over the smooth lines and gleaming metal. Cruisers were not normally built for families to have their children on board, so some changes had to be made. What the San had given in trade was more than enough in value, however, and there was room enough to do so without affecting performance. The craft was a sleek, swift fighting vessel, bearing eight boarding craft and more than a hundred and fifty guns—not really enough to take on a dreadnought, but easily the better of any cruiser in the field.
There were cabins, some larger for the many couples that had children, infirmaries, chapels that were completely bare since each species had its own faith and their own trappings to bring, kitchens and canteens, gyms and exercise equipment, even libraries, one of which the engineers had taken time to make into a school. In short, it could be considered a tiny city, or at least a small town, with everything they needed to live for months at at time.
Despite his impatience to cast off and the way his daughter nearly quivered at the sight of the pilot's controls, Mogan insisted on time for everyone to get used to the ship.
Not that the crew was only human, not anymore. Some of the poachers who they had saved, and who had fought beside them in turn, on Noepe insisted on coming with, adding another fifty or sixty Sylfa and Shawing to the crew. Chadnov's wife Karshta, her head nearly brushing the ceiling at five meters, carried two very large infants aboard. And almost two hundred of the Vishtali came, varying between challenging belligerence and those clearly fighting down the desire to flee.
The Vishtali had not been slaves. Not legally, at least; according to the Sovereignty, they were no more sapient than humanity. While they were owned and worked and abused and in more than one raid literally chained to the beds for customers, charges for slavery could not be filed. Legally, they were livestock, not slaves. The boss of the planet Irhost had hired the San to take care of it in an extra-legal, and very definitive, fashion, but they could not undo the damage that had been done.
On their own planet, Vishtali technology remained in the age of steel and steam, with further advances punished. Many of them took to training as technicians easily, finding the electronics easier to work with than the over-complicated steam machines of home. Of the five hundred or so that had been rescued, relatively few continued to accompany them, but those few had more than just their skills. They had what has always been the most valuable commodity to a pirate—information.
On the third day, with the crew feeling more relaxed, the mercenaries arrived, ready to take their stations. The fourth day found Mogan in the captain's chair, looking at a viewscreen that showed the starry void before them.
He was on a dias, where he could see everything on the bridge. Sylfa design preferred a captain's walk, with stations on either side, but this pattern let him see almost every station from where he sat. Burya and Logog, the ship and marine officers, sat in similar chairs at the bottom of the dias, while others of the crew sat at their stations. Most of them had displays for the operators to see, with somewhat larger displays above them so he could see pertinent information immediately.
His daughter sat at the pilot's station, waiting for the order.
Ellisan was sixteen now, old enough to hold an official rank, and even had charge of the ship's pilots—some for the helm, and others for the boarding craft. For the first casting-off of the new ship, there was no possibility that she would let anyone else hold the helm. She nearly bounced in her seat, four hands adjusting controls on the board.
She was a Meht, of two different species, and the first of her kind. Not that she was the first Meht—there had been billions, but they were still a relative rarity in a galaxy with trillions of sapient beings in it. Not any two species produced one; most such pairings ended with no result at all. The San didn't know how many such species they were compatible with, but Ellisan proved that the Sylfa were one of them, and Chadnov's surprise pregnancy and spear-point wedding were proof that the Mantu were another.
Meht were often considered to have the advantages of both parents' species, although that wasn't always the case. Ellisan had her mother's arms—all four of them—and her frame and height, but while her hair was the silver color standard to all Sylfa her skin was a much lighter shade of blue-green. She could pass for a Sylfa if needed, especially with makeup, but she generally stood out. But as much as she looked like a Sylfa, she was able to run with humans, something no Sylfa could manage.
Her shoulders were not built the way human shoulders were; to her great discomfort, she could clumsily hurl an object a few yards, like any other species, rather than the direct, drilling throws of human spearmen and slingers. She could clumsily hurl something with a surprising degree of accuracy if not force, another talent from her human ancestry, but this had meant nothing until she first fired a laser pistol.
Meht were also sterile—at least, except for a very rare few, and Ellisan was not one of those. She had been bitter over that, once, but now it didn't make the difference it once had. Perhaps other things were taking importance, or perhaps the situation had changed, or perhaps it was simply part of her growth. Whatever the reason, Mogan was pleased to see it no longer ate at her. He had tried to paint it as a blessing; before they came to the stars, after all, the day of her first birth was the most dangerous of a woman's life, and she was also spared the cramps and mess that some women went through. He had tried, but he really had not succeeded.
Then again, today was a day to make anybody forget their troubles. The lower officers, newly granted official ranks, stood in a line watching.
The viewscreens along each wall,front and sides, showed the view outside in sharp visuals. In the open area at the front, holograms showed the ship itself, one with the docks around it and one showing only the ship.
“Burya?”
Burya, once the chief of the Hanging Rock village, nodded. He was fitting well into his new position; Mogan had worried that the authority would still stress the eighteen-year-old, but so long as Mogan was making the bigger decisions he handled it well. Burya had often seemed the oldest of the group, but now he stood straight-backed and smiling as he checked his wristpad a final time.
“All airlocks closed and checked, all clasps ready.”
Mogan nodded. “release.”
Burya repeated the order. They had expected to feel a change in motion, but the ship's own inertial dampeners easily negotiated the slight change from the station's orbit around its star to the Semiramis' free orbit.
“Helm,” Mogan said, and got a delighted grin from Ellisan. “Take us away.”
Again, none of them could feel the movement. The only real indication they were in motion was on the holos, where one lit up to indicate the engines and the other showed a growing distance between ship and station.
Mogan waited as the ship slowly accelerated, until thousands of kilometers lay between them and Haitac Station.
“Alright, let's put her through her paces. Helm, prepare a full burn.” Mogan manipulated the computation array in front of him, producing a holo of the system, with the ship far smaller. He tapped a point on the holo. “Turn here, to this point, then this, and this.” More points, telling the array to register where his finger was at, describing a series of sharp turns before heading out of the system. “Now.”
They could feel it this time. Those standing stumbled and almost fell as the ship leaped forward. “Full Burn” was apparently a term that harkened back to ancient days when chemical rockets were used, but the gravitic drives were far more powerful. They reached the point sooner than Mogan realized, and Ellisan expertly swung the craft around, engines humming smoothly, to the new course.
Mogan relaxed a little, as they went through another hairpin turn with easy efficiency, and then the third. He had seen enough to know that the turns were not so easy, but that Ellisan's expertise made it seem so—but nonetheless, the ship handled beautifully as they raced forward.
The route took them out of the system, far enough from the sun to escape its gravity, and Mogan tapped what looks like an asteroid on the holo. “There's our target. Caricole left.”
Burya repeated the order into his wristpad, alerting the crew, and the laser turrets and etheric cannon swiveled as far forward as they could go. Those on the top of the craft and forward were readied.
Little was still known about the Etheric Currents. They reacted, as far as science could confirm, to only three things things—gravity, hard light, and plasma. To the Ether, hard light seemed solid. Shielded ships were pushed by those currents, and sapient species had rapidly devised how to make what were effectively sails of hard light that could catch these currents and propel the ship.
Nobody knew how fast the Currents were, if they were truly many times faster than light or if they added speed in some other way, but even slow, bulky freighters could move five or ten thousand times the speed of light. The smallest racing craft—the size of a shuttle but mostly power-plants and shield-generators—could move literally thousands of times faster than that. Shett had told him that the Semiramis would match or beat most destroyers; in a pinch, it could likely cross the entire galaxy in about six months.
Plasma, on the other hand, reacted explosively with the Etheric currents, causing massive force and expansion. This was sometimes weaponized in the use of mines or planted bombs, but the most effective weapon built managed to combine the two; the Etheric Cannon.
The weapon had a firing chamber and a barrel, but both were lined with shaped fields of hard light. The chamber funneled to push as much ether as possible within, and on firing it was closed off and filled with plasma. That force pushed not a projectile but another, moveable hard light shield, that served as a wadding of sorts to shove a small ball.
The cannonballs fired by a heavy cannon rarely weighed more than five kilograms, but they flew at an immeasurable speed, far faster than those swiftest racing ships. On impact, much of that force—the vast majority of it, in truth—was transferred back to the Etheric Currents. This was generally considered a good thing; otherwise even the tiniest projectile moving significantly faster than the speed of light could literally destroy a planet. The force that remained, however, was enough to cause considerable damage to whatever unfortunate object it hit. More importantly, the projectiles were fast enough to make combat feasible even at faster-than-light speeds. Lasers were somewhat useless, after all, when a craft was already moving at several thousand times the speed of light.
The Currents' aversion to gravity was often considered a blessing. Ships did sometimes crash into things, including planets, and a two-billion-ton dreadnought, or even a one-million-ton destroyer, smashing into a planet was cause for absolute devastation. But at least they couldn't hit a planet, or the traffic near a planet, at faster-than-light speeds. That it also slowed travel was considered a worthwhile payoff. That it made etheric cannon useless inside the gravity of a solar system wasn't as well-liked; thus nearly every ship, and certainly every warship, carried both cannon and lasers.
The last time they were in a battle, they could feel the transport they were in shudder, just a touch, as the forward cannons fired. This time there were just the smallest thumps, small enough that Mogan couldn't be sure whether they were heard or felt, and puffs of dust rose from the massive stone.
It wasn't dust, at least most of it, but they were still thousands of kilometers away, far enough for even fairly large boulders to look like specks of dust. An instant later the ship swung left more than 90 degrees, exposing the right side for another volley. On the holo, they could see some of the streaks indicating shots pass right through the asteroid, with so much of it blown away.
The Semiramis flew past, the remnants of the asteroid on their right. Leaders shouted, cheering at the display, but Mogan simply watched, smiling.
“Well.... This will make things interesting. Urgant?”
The Vishtali woman raised two of her four hands—it was hard to raise just one--to acknowledge him and nodded.
“You know the location, yes? Talk with navigation and plot it for us.”
The woman nodded and bent to speak with the woman at that station. A few minutes later, the holo with the map expanded, with the star they were aiming for outlined in a small nimbus of light.
The Semiramis adjusted slightly, changing position, and then there was the slightest hum, almost too low to hear, as the shields came on.
On the other holo they could see the ship suddenly surrounded with a layer of hard light, and then other shields came up, sticking out to the side a little like fins, or the sails he had seen on boats among the Sea People. The ship rocked as the Etheric Currents began pushing, and Ellisan adjusted the shape of them.
The ship picked up speed, although the inertial dampeners made it difficult to notice. They passed the speed of light well behind them as the shield-sails expanded, and then others appeared, to the side. Ellisan adjusted their flight so they were slightly off-course, but the reason why became evident as the ship's speed increased yet further, moving several thousand times the speed of light.
The maiden voyage--and the first raid--of the Semiramis had begun.

So I’m 26 f and I have been with my partner 27m for about 4 years known each other for about 6, we have a daughter together of 4 years, our relationship through out the beginning was amazing, he was very thoughtful and kind towards me, he still is but its less than before and might be burn out from parenting and working ? He had a bad day about two weeks ago so I decided to make him a hand made gift, I ended up making him hand made love notes which took me about 3 hours because I wanted it to look super cute, I gave it to him and he seemed happy with it and I was excited he seemed to love it, he didn’t open the gift right away and that’s understandable, he had just gotten from work and was hungry etc, but two days had passed and he still didn’t bother seeing what I wrote for him, I just left it alone for another day but the third day I noticed he still hadn’t opened it so I asked him if he didn’t like it and he said he did just would open later, so I again left it alone for another day and he still didn’t acknowledge it, so I just spazzed, I asked why he didn’t like it and he totally shrugged it off, that made me feel so sad, I haven’t brought it up again but it is eating me, like does he not love me anymore ? Did what I do seem cringey to him ? Ever since then I have been re evaluating our life together so far and I’m just thinking how low maintenance I am, and I think he is just very used to me, like he can live or live with out me, we have a daughter together and I know she would be sad but I’m just not sure if the feelings are the same as they used to be, it may sound crazy because it all started with a hand made love note to him but it made me kinda open my eyes, pls advise, let me know if there’s anywhere I can go about bringing it up again or how to end things, I’m just not sure and def need help, thank you in advance
Edit: I am not the best at writing, please bear with me, and sorry if my story sounds a little wacky, thank you

I've had a laundry list of spine issues including AnkylosingSpondylitis, Adult Degenerative Scoliosis, every disk is bulging, other words i forget now, plus fibromyalgia, pectus carinatum, chronic migraine and they think hEDS (I meet all criteria but the doctorsaidno blood test to prove. DUH), positive ANA, then negative, pcp tested several times for Lyme's. Symptoms of MS, lots of overlapping bs.Torn labrum in hip, torn rotator cuff, etc. Not everything sorted, not a whole lot of hope today.
Now, the problem this week is there is a pain so awful to the L of T spine and a bit lower than top of shoulder. It is SO intense it stops me in my tracks and I have to stop talking, catch my breath and just.. OMG! I play it off, as best I can.
That area of my back, L of thoracic spine, above where bra strap is, up across shoulder, down ribs has always been like my fibro area. Tingly, numb - I use a topical and it would help. Lately, not so much.
Now this pain grabbing n stopping me is new, a week or so ig. I noticed last night there's open wound on neck, like C7-T1, which is ALWAYS nerve sensitive, so RARELY touched.
The wound looks like brush burn n I actually had a similar one elsewhere about 6 weeks ago. I asked if severe nerve pain inside can cause a sore outside the skin. I was told no. But this is the 2nd time...
I get no pain med. I can't take Gabapentin, Lyrica or Cymbalta, have tried all several times over the years and Gaba tears up my stomach and swells up my legs, Lyrica makes me crazy dizzy/loopy/off at 75mg 3x/day, we recently tried 10mg 2x/day. It just knocks me out! No pain relief. Cymbalta doesn't work with my DNA, had swab done for mh meds.
So rn I can't stand even the lightweight tee I'm wearing touching my skin. I'm getting zaps n zings n I've been through a LOT of pain and am pretty tough. I've NEVER had anything this bad.
I have MMJ, it will knock me out n that's fine for tonight, but I'm hoping someone has experience to share, a website to direct me to. SOMETHING. I did a search for naturals, but I'm hoping y'all may have some thoughts.
I'm not even sure if I should call PCP, Neurologist, Neurosurgeon... I can't drive any more 3 levels of neck surgically fused, 2 fused on their own. So I doubt I can get to a doc or ER tomorrow.
ANY suggestions, are greatly appreciated!!