Save my life sidewalk prophets lyrics
Was Polly right? The only thing that turns Tommy into a blind fool is love?
2023.06.09 19:59 sirlafemme Was Polly right? The only thing that turns Tommy into a blind fool is love?
This is not a typical Grace-hate post, but for the life of me I can't figure out why she didn't face even the slightest of consequences for her actions again the Peaky Blinders. She even admits, "I've done something horrible to you" to Thomas.
With the PB's reputation for cruelty and gore, (even Tommy has broken the "we don't hurt women or kids" rule before), I'm surprised she wasn't outcast for the crime of conspiring against the Gang. To make matters worse, conspiring against them WITH the police. Not even a Shelby could escape backlash for such behavior.
She was the one who shopped Freddie to the police, yet she also either never mentions it or never faces issue. She leaks the location of the guns, and makes a "deal" with a police officer. Lizzie had her marriage to John thwarted for simply accepting a secretive proposal!
She "saved" Tommy's life at the pub, but in reality what she did was dangerously escalate a situation by shooting outright without command, forcing Tommy to engage in a bloodbath with no warning, foresight or control over the situation. She lies and says "I didn't know I had it in me" despite having killed a man who threatened to out her in a previous episode. And yet Tommy comforts her instead of responding how he would to any other person: rip them a new arsehole for throwing the whole plan into chaos.
How could Tommy not feel more heartbroken, angry and disgusted by her before his cock took over? For at least ONE episode I would have liked to see Grace face consequences for her actions, maybe have to actually prove her loyalty to the PB's and Tommy, and to be kept at an insulting arms length for awhile just like they gave Michael a huge amount of bullying and grief just for POTENTIALLY conspiring against them.
Then I believe her return to Tommy's "true love" could be even slightly earned instead of so freely given that it turns Tommy into an idiot. I would have preferred even that he's stupidly in love while STILL being double-crossed, just to add some dimension to Grace other than "Oops, I fell in love with a criminal."
In my wildest dreams, a smart, quick-witted Grace teams up with Linda and Gina as the Blond Bombshells who destroy the Shelby empire from within, taking the money and starting a female criminal empire. Instead, Grace does a bunch of double-crossing, falls in love and then dies.
submitted by sirlafemme to PeakyBlinders [link] [comments]
With the PB's reputation for cruelty and gore, (even Tommy has broken the "we don't hurt women or kids" rule before), I'm surprised she wasn't outcast for the crime of conspiring against the Gang. To make matters worse, conspiring against them WITH the police. Not even a Shelby could escape backlash for such behavior.
She was the one who shopped Freddie to the police, yet she also either never mentions it or never faces issue. She leaks the location of the guns, and makes a "deal" with a police officer. Lizzie had her marriage to John thwarted for simply accepting a secretive proposal!
She "saved" Tommy's life at the pub, but in reality what she did was dangerously escalate a situation by shooting outright without command, forcing Tommy to engage in a bloodbath with no warning, foresight or control over the situation. She lies and says "I didn't know I had it in me" despite having killed a man who threatened to out her in a previous episode. And yet Tommy comforts her instead of responding how he would to any other person: rip them a new arsehole for throwing the whole plan into chaos.
How could Tommy not feel more heartbroken, angry and disgusted by her before his cock took over? For at least ONE episode I would have liked to see Grace face consequences for her actions, maybe have to actually prove her loyalty to the PB's and Tommy, and to be kept at an insulting arms length for awhile just like they gave Michael a huge amount of bullying and grief just for POTENTIALLY conspiring against them.
Then I believe her return to Tommy's "true love" could be even slightly earned instead of so freely given that it turns Tommy into an idiot. I would have preferred even that he's stupidly in love while STILL being double-crossed, just to add some dimension to Grace other than "Oops, I fell in love with a criminal."
2023.06.09 19:57 BsdTheories Bsd Villain Theory
Lately, I've been seeing a lot of bsd theories about the book and the beast au, and a question came to my mind…Who is the main villain in bsd? From my expectation, many would say Mori or Fyodor. I mean they are not the best, but they have reasonings and actually do care what happens to the people in their organization (most of the time). I mean, they try to come up with a plan so the lost people would be at a minimal number. It is known the fact that Mori killed the pm boss to take his position, but what would have happened if he remained alive? Before Mori killed him, he asked for the pm to kill every rival organization, but this was a suicidal idea, like there sure were many powerful organizations, which would have resulted at the end of the pm, so somehow Mori actually saved the pm. Don't understand me wrong, I dislike Mori as much as any other bsd fan, but we cannot forget that without him the pm would be dead by now. Even if the mafia didn't exist, trouble wouldn't disappear, because of the Guilt, the Hunting Dogs, and Decay of Angels. Chuuya helped the ada fight the hunting dogs, what would have happened if Mori didn't order him to come to rescue them? Most likely, they would have died or been arrested. Now that we mentioned Chuuya, I want to talk a bit about his joining the pm. Mori gave Dazai the task to inspect the territory where Chuuya and his gang lived. Mori clearly planned for Chuuya to join the pm, but that does not mean he made the Sheep try to kill Chuuya. This just proves Mori saved him from an unhealthy environment, where he was used by the others for their own benefit. The mafia isn't the best, but Chuuya had a better situation than Dazai. He had trustworthy people, he was respected and he lived in a luxury apartment. He had people he could talk to and who tried to help him when he needed it. Dazai did leave the pm, which also resulted in abandoning Chuuya, but he did not leave him. He left an environment more toxic than his, I mean who takes a f*cking child with mental illness who just failed to commit suicide, and makes him join a mafia, a place where everything revolves around death, mental abuse, and maybe even physical. I know it's now canon but seriously, has anyone seen a great villain that didn't get abused physically? I mean he didn't just say, let's abuse Akutagawa so he can learn something, I believe he thought he was training him. So Dazai did get abused and left the mafia after Odasaku's death. Now let's get back to Fyodor. He committed many crimes, but he did it just so he could make the world better, and he isn't wrong. There are still problems in the world without abilities, but some abilities are dangerous and could destroy the entire bsd universe. He wanted to help people have a normal life, and live in peace, even though it is not possible, even how hard someone tries. There might be another reason, but I'll leave this theory for another video. Back to the main question. If neither Mori nor Fyodor are the main villain then who it is? Who is the one responsible for everything that is happening? Firstly, let's think, what is the bsd? A succession of predictions was made by Dazai. As he himself says, "his predictions always come true", but what are predictions exactly? To declare or indicate something in advance, something that will occur in the future. Some villains try to prevent those predictions from becoming true. But which ability user can see in the future and uses his ability to prevent those events from taking place? Oda Sakunosuke. At first, he might seem innocent, but what about his past? He knew Fukuzawa and Ranpo. Couldn't he just ask them if he could join the ADA? Or how he could become a good person? This was he could've joined the ada and become a writer, but instead, he chose to join the pm. There, he met Dazai and Ango, which he became close to, and that's how the Lupin trio was created. Their friendship is a bit weird. Ango was an individual who has Discourse on Decadence, an ability that allows the user to read the memories left in things, Dazai, with No Longer Human, which allows the user to nullify any ability by a single touch, and Oda. These three are like the past, the present, and the future. Ango looks back in time, to the good memories he had with the two. Also, he helped Dazai get his crimes erased, meaning erasing his past. Dazai is the always suicidal maniac, who tries to find value in the thing we call living. And Oda gave Dazai a chance to change his future. But this doesn't explain why he had to die. If he wanted revenge, he could've talked to Dazai. After all, in the end, Alexander would've died, by Oda's hands or not. We know Dazai saw Oda as a father figure, but what about Oda? Did he see Dazai as his son? I don't think so. Like, which father ignores their son, goes to get himself killed ad after that tells his son that he cannot fill the hole he has when the son considers his father the reason he's not dead. If he actually cared so much about Dazai, why did he leave him? Dazai screamed, begged, and even told him what he is looking for, and Oda didn't give a damn about what he had to say, and before he died he tells Dazai to join the good side. He expected Dazai to listen to him even thou he didn't listen for a moment to what he had said. He knew Dazai would do what he told him because he knew how important he was to him. Like seriously, Dazai would do anything for this man, and this might be the biggest advantage Fyodor has against Dazai. His big card. Or better said his queen. We know Dazai and Fyodor are playing a game of chess against one another, but Fyodor has a page from the Book. Couldn't he just revive Odasaku, and make him convince Dazai to join the doa and help them find the book? The answer would be yes because Dazai would do anything to see him again, it's like an obsession. He wants to make Oda proud. He wants his agreement. Somehow it is just like his youthful years in the pm. Dazai was a witness for Mori. He made him live in a shipping container, abused him, and manipulated him. And Oda did the same, the only difference is that he was more discrete. He made Dazai hide for two years who knows where, his last words always torment him, because he thinks he's breaking his last words because even Oda said, he can never be completely good, as for the manipulation, as I said earlier, he would do anything for him and we know it. But what about the book? The book theory says that Odasaku was one of the authors or knew Dazai was the book. In both cases, he puts Dazai in greater danger, because he knows where to find the book and if any enemy organization finds out about this, the Ada would not be able to protect him entirely. Even though now he is an adult, in his inside he is just a child, a sobbing child left in the darkness of a world worse than the one we see. He knows what death is, and how greedy humans are and he specifically does not consider himself a human being. He is a literal puppet controlled by a puppeteer that we cannot see. He gave Dazai the book, a big responsibility, and took the bandages from his face. Could this represent he passed his exam, just like Ada's entrance exam, and now he was ready for his biggest exam? Or if he knew Dazai was the book, did he want to test his loyalty? See how far he would go for him and how much he would sacrifice in order to save him. Was Dazai just a puppet, a pawn, a key for Oda's plan? If so, Dazai surely satisfied Odasaku, because he did create entire alternative universes just so he could live and become an author. We've only seen the Beast au, but there are many other universes where he had to rewatch him die, leaving him right in his arms. In the end, we realize that there is no one we can trust except for ourselves, maybe not even ourselves. The bsd universe will never be perfect, because there is no such thing as perfection in the world, neither good nor bad people. They, like us, are only pawns at the mercy of a greater person.
2023.06.09 19:57 Fnin70d 21 years old, lost every last cent, losing motivation to move forward in life.
I'm 21 years old. I have been gambling since I was 18.
At the age of 18, I discovered something called matched betting. I don't know how niche or obscure of a thing this is worldwide, but where I was born and live in Queensland, Australia, although its lesser well-known, it's a profitable scheme. For years, I had made my income from this form of side hustle - at the start making around $500-1,500 a week sports betting, which for my age was quite significant at the time. However, while it was a good source of money, it was also my entry into a lifestyle where my main source of income was heavily ingrained into the gambling scene.
For years, I continued doing this, making a stable income each year through my 19s and 20s. I was content through this period, I stuck with my heart, and didn't do anything stupid.
Last year I turned 21. At this point, I made a decent amount of money, and spent quite a lot of it too, so I was sitting at just around $20,000 in savings. It's probably not a lot to many, but for me, who was and still is a student studying in university, it was an amount I felt happy with.
Then it all went downhill when I discovered online casinos. To this point as mentioned, I had been quite sensible with my betting, only really taking +EV chances to slowly make rough amounts of $500-$1,500 a week while full-time studying on the side. But once I was in the online casino, I discovered so many things I never knew about myself. I had an irresistible compulsive gambling tendency. On the first night, I lost around $3,000. I think a sensible person would've taken this as a lesson and walked away, realising the casino would continue hold the edge, and I could make the $3,000 back again over the next few weeks if I had discipline and patience. I wasn't sensible, patient, not disciplined. By next morning, I found myself in bed, first thing in the morning, going back to the tables on my phone. I couldn't stomach the feeling of having a $500 hand on Blackjack that took me a week to make disappear in 10 seconds. I couldn't possibly imagine just accepting the outcome, putting my phone down, and keeping my discipline for a week to earn back what I lost and reset mentally. It felt so much easier to just play another hand and win it back in 10 seconds if I got lucky. My thought process was unironically this degenerate.
So I lost another $500, and now I'm down $1,000 on the morning before I've even started my day. "Alright, I'll just deposit $1,000 and do 1 more hand. If I win I'll break even and I'll stop, if not it's fine I had my chance I'll just stop at that". Then the hand comes, I have a 20, the dealer has a 5. I'm already celebrating deep down internally, then the dealer flips a 6 and a 10, and my balance is 0. What did I do next? Of course, I deposited $2,000 more.
Patterns like this consumed my days. I would be waking up on following mornings glued to my phone all the same, losing track of time, realising I was late for university, catching an Uber because the train would be late, and I would continue playing on the Uber. Eventually, I skipped classes straight-up, unable to muster any motivation to focus on lectures when all that plagued my mind was the money I was down and what I would need to win it back.
Eventually, many days passed. In my dark empty room dimly lit only by my PC screen, I stared at a Baccarat table with $2,000 on Banker, and the words in the middle reading 'Player wins'. Then I reached over, and my card deposit failed.
At the end of last year, I lost everything of the $20,000, and the only choice I had was to work. Getting out of bed each morning was agony. Mentally thinking and calculating the time it would take to work and earn myself all the way back up to $20,000 was gut-wrenching. But, I told myself it was the price I paid for my naivety.
But fast forward closer to the present, it had been around 6-months since then. And while I'd love to claim that I was happy now and had learnt my lesson from gambling, to this date, the $20,000 lost still pains me. I think every few days about how I would give so much to return to that position I was in over half a year ago before I lost myself to temptations. I'm just someone who can never move forward and feel happy with the present knowing what they once had. It's a problem with myself I am painfully aware of, but have no solution to.
The most disappointing thing is I have not learnt my lesson. From being unable to move on with my self-destructive obsession with regaining what I had once lost, today I relapsed. Throughout this year, I was able to save back up to half-way of making it back my $20,000. Yet, I lost every last cent in my bank account only hours ago, unable to keep my resolve and save my money earnestly.
As I am writing this right now, I feel pathetic as I re-read what my life has been in the last 8 months. I have gained nothing, and lost all my money not once, but twice. It worries me how big of a self-destructive obsession I have with being stuck on what I've lost rather than looking forward and appreciating the positives. It worries me how I will be able to move forward now when I am back to square zero with nothing to show. It worries me how I will be able to overcome this hopeless mindset as I move forward.
In the end, I wrote all of this rambling all my thoughts without a plan. But in a depressing vulnerable state, I thought the only way I would be able to feel less lonely would be to put my thoughts out there somewhere, so that even if one person reads it, I feel like I am not alone. I don't know what to do from here. Deep down, I feel really empty when I think about how I have nothing to show for myself and how I have lost both my mind and money to the casino.
But, while I feel empty and completely dejected over losing everything, I hope at least someone out there will read this and possibly resonate with it. In all honesty, writing my thoughts like this unexpectedly helps me feel marginally more calm and relaxed so I'll be happy if it helps even prevent maybe one extra person from falling down my rabbithole. These two experiences have demoralized me to no end and set me back many feet. But, I do earnestly hope they will be my last, and I don't find myself in the same dark place 6 months from now where hopefully I'll have found my direction again.
submitted by Fnin70d to problemgambling [link] [comments]
At the age of 18, I discovered something called matched betting. I don't know how niche or obscure of a thing this is worldwide, but where I was born and live in Queensland, Australia, although its lesser well-known, it's a profitable scheme. For years, I had made my income from this form of side hustle - at the start making around $500-1,500 a week sports betting, which for my age was quite significant at the time. However, while it was a good source of money, it was also my entry into a lifestyle where my main source of income was heavily ingrained into the gambling scene.
For years, I continued doing this, making a stable income each year through my 19s and 20s. I was content through this period, I stuck with my heart, and didn't do anything stupid.
Last year I turned 21. At this point, I made a decent amount of money, and spent quite a lot of it too, so I was sitting at just around $20,000 in savings. It's probably not a lot to many, but for me, who was and still is a student studying in university, it was an amount I felt happy with.
Then it all went downhill when I discovered online casinos. To this point as mentioned, I had been quite sensible with my betting, only really taking +EV chances to slowly make rough amounts of $500-$1,500 a week while full-time studying on the side. But once I was in the online casino, I discovered so many things I never knew about myself. I had an irresistible compulsive gambling tendency. On the first night, I lost around $3,000. I think a sensible person would've taken this as a lesson and walked away, realising the casino would continue hold the edge, and I could make the $3,000 back again over the next few weeks if I had discipline and patience. I wasn't sensible, patient, not disciplined. By next morning, I found myself in bed, first thing in the morning, going back to the tables on my phone. I couldn't stomach the feeling of having a $500 hand on Blackjack that took me a week to make disappear in 10 seconds. I couldn't possibly imagine just accepting the outcome, putting my phone down, and keeping my discipline for a week to earn back what I lost and reset mentally. It felt so much easier to just play another hand and win it back in 10 seconds if I got lucky. My thought process was unironically this degenerate.
So I lost another $500, and now I'm down $1,000 on the morning before I've even started my day. "Alright, I'll just deposit $1,000 and do 1 more hand. If I win I'll break even and I'll stop, if not it's fine I had my chance I'll just stop at that". Then the hand comes, I have a 20, the dealer has a 5. I'm already celebrating deep down internally, then the dealer flips a 6 and a 10, and my balance is 0. What did I do next? Of course, I deposited $2,000 more.
Patterns like this consumed my days. I would be waking up on following mornings glued to my phone all the same, losing track of time, realising I was late for university, catching an Uber because the train would be late, and I would continue playing on the Uber. Eventually, I skipped classes straight-up, unable to muster any motivation to focus on lectures when all that plagued my mind was the money I was down and what I would need to win it back.
Eventually, many days passed. In my dark empty room dimly lit only by my PC screen, I stared at a Baccarat table with $2,000 on Banker, and the words in the middle reading 'Player wins'. Then I reached over, and my card deposit failed.
At the end of last year, I lost everything of the $20,000, and the only choice I had was to work. Getting out of bed each morning was agony. Mentally thinking and calculating the time it would take to work and earn myself all the way back up to $20,000 was gut-wrenching. But, I told myself it was the price I paid for my naivety.
But fast forward closer to the present, it had been around 6-months since then. And while I'd love to claim that I was happy now and had learnt my lesson from gambling, to this date, the $20,000 lost still pains me. I think every few days about how I would give so much to return to that position I was in over half a year ago before I lost myself to temptations. I'm just someone who can never move forward and feel happy with the present knowing what they once had. It's a problem with myself I am painfully aware of, but have no solution to.
The most disappointing thing is I have not learnt my lesson. From being unable to move on with my self-destructive obsession with regaining what I had once lost, today I relapsed. Throughout this year, I was able to save back up to half-way of making it back my $20,000. Yet, I lost every last cent in my bank account only hours ago, unable to keep my resolve and save my money earnestly.
As I am writing this right now, I feel pathetic as I re-read what my life has been in the last 8 months. I have gained nothing, and lost all my money not once, but twice. It worries me how big of a self-destructive obsession I have with being stuck on what I've lost rather than looking forward and appreciating the positives. It worries me how I will be able to move forward now when I am back to square zero with nothing to show. It worries me how I will be able to overcome this hopeless mindset as I move forward.
In the end, I wrote all of this rambling all my thoughts without a plan. But in a depressing vulnerable state, I thought the only way I would be able to feel less lonely would be to put my thoughts out there somewhere, so that even if one person reads it, I feel like I am not alone. I don't know what to do from here. Deep down, I feel really empty when I think about how I have nothing to show for myself and how I have lost both my mind and money to the casino.
But, while I feel empty and completely dejected over losing everything, I hope at least someone out there will read this and possibly resonate with it. In all honesty, writing my thoughts like this unexpectedly helps me feel marginally more calm and relaxed so I'll be happy if it helps even prevent maybe one extra person from falling down my rabbithole. These two experiences have demoralized me to no end and set me back many feet. But, I do earnestly hope they will be my last, and I don't find myself in the same dark place 6 months from now where hopefully I'll have found my direction again.
2023.06.09 19:56 cccccc- thank you mom
thank you for being so narcissistic, thank you for teaching me nothing but shit, thank you for manipulating me, thank you for abusing me mentally and emotionally my whole life. Thank you for not letting me find a personality, thank you for giving me weird habits, thank you for isolating me, thank you for punishing me without any reason. Thank you for preventing that my father from teaching me how to be on my own. Thank you for making me so attached to you. Thank you for being against me when people wronged me, but being on my side when I wronged people. Thank you for teaching me how to be the victim always. Thank you for isolating me from everything and trying to "protect" me from everything. Thank you for making everything about yourself. Thank you for being disrespectful to every single person in this world. Thank you for fucking my life up.
Thank you for fucking my relationship up with a person I felt at home with, the first time in my fucking 22 years. Thank you for giving me those miserable traits, instead of teaching me how treat a woman properly from the pov of a woman. Thank you for not letting my father teach me how to be a man and be independent. I was about to kill myself and you have no fucking clue about it, that girl saved my life but you made me fuck hers up because of your fucking stupid ideologies only you believe in and your fucking manipulations, I've overcome many, but the biggest, most influent are still present. My giflfriend taught me more than you ever will and can teach because you are in your own fucking world and think you do everything right. Thank you for taking my ability to think outside of the box. Thank you for forcing me to like the things YOU like.
There is a reason I moved out, there is a reason I don't pick up your calls, there is a reason my girlfriend doesn't picks up your calls, there is a reason I have suddenly things to do when I talk with dad and you join the call, there is a reason I don't fucking visited your house since new years eve. But you will never understand it. Because you are never wrong. Everybody is against you, everybody is so jealous of you, everybody is your enemy, you owe nothing to anybody, not even respect. I hope god takes my life before I turn into something like you. I hope he protects me from being like you in any way. I fucking suffer and you have no clue. My relationship is breaking down and you have no clue. And it would make everything worse. Even if I'd abuse my gf and punch her to death every day, you would find the blame on her because your lovely son is the victim. I don't want to be your fucking son anymore and dad is the only reason I don't fucking cut ties immediately with this cursed family. I hate your fucking voice and the way you talk to me like I'd be a fucking kid. Let me fucking go. You should've 15 years ago like every other parent. But you are to focussed on forming me to that you want me to be because you think you know what's good for everyone and you know what everyone needs. I HATE YOU.
You fucked my life. But you know what, my willpower is stronger than your fucking psychopathic behaviors. I will not die like this. I will overcome this burden you made me into and you know what it costed to notice this ? the heart of a beautiful human being who went enough pain in this life. That girl fucking raised me like a son because you fucked my god damn mind. I fucking hate you.
but keep blaming everyone else. It hurts me to say all those things out loud, or write it, but I need to let it out.
i don't want your money, I don't want your calls or messages, I don't want to hear your voice.
I threw almost everything away what you gave me when I moved out. Don't want your cursed stuff in my place.
mom "where are you ? " me "home" mom " you are in *city" me "yeah, at home" mom "in *city" me " yeah. At. Home." Your fucking abusive toxic household was never my home. It will never be my home. Keep that in your fucking mind.
I'm in fucking therapy because of you.
to raise a child is hard I know, but you are just a fucking narcissistic sociopath who thinks everyone in this world should be like you (she really said that). Fuck your ideologies,
I hate you for being fucking you.
submitted by cccccc- to offmychest [link] [comments]
Thank you for fucking my relationship up with a person I felt at home with, the first time in my fucking 22 years. Thank you for giving me those miserable traits, instead of teaching me how treat a woman properly from the pov of a woman. Thank you for not letting my father teach me how to be a man and be independent. I was about to kill myself and you have no fucking clue about it, that girl saved my life but you made me fuck hers up because of your fucking stupid ideologies only you believe in and your fucking manipulations, I've overcome many, but the biggest, most influent are still present. My giflfriend taught me more than you ever will and can teach because you are in your own fucking world and think you do everything right. Thank you for taking my ability to think outside of the box. Thank you for forcing me to like the things YOU like.
There is a reason I moved out, there is a reason I don't pick up your calls, there is a reason my girlfriend doesn't picks up your calls, there is a reason I have suddenly things to do when I talk with dad and you join the call, there is a reason I don't fucking visited your house since new years eve. But you will never understand it. Because you are never wrong. Everybody is against you, everybody is so jealous of you, everybody is your enemy, you owe nothing to anybody, not even respect. I hope god takes my life before I turn into something like you. I hope he protects me from being like you in any way. I fucking suffer and you have no clue. My relationship is breaking down and you have no clue. And it would make everything worse. Even if I'd abuse my gf and punch her to death every day, you would find the blame on her because your lovely son is the victim. I don't want to be your fucking son anymore and dad is the only reason I don't fucking cut ties immediately with this cursed family. I hate your fucking voice and the way you talk to me like I'd be a fucking kid. Let me fucking go. You should've 15 years ago like every other parent. But you are to focussed on forming me to that you want me to be because you think you know what's good for everyone and you know what everyone needs. I HATE YOU.
You fucked my life. But you know what, my willpower is stronger than your fucking psychopathic behaviors. I will not die like this. I will overcome this burden you made me into and you know what it costed to notice this ? the heart of a beautiful human being who went enough pain in this life. That girl fucking raised me like a son because you fucked my god damn mind. I fucking hate you.
but keep blaming everyone else. It hurts me to say all those things out loud, or write it, but I need to let it out.
i don't want your money, I don't want your calls or messages, I don't want to hear your voice.
I threw almost everything away what you gave me when I moved out. Don't want your cursed stuff in my place.
mom "where are you ? " me "home" mom " you are in *city" me "yeah, at home" mom "in *city" me " yeah. At. Home." Your fucking abusive toxic household was never my home. It will never be my home. Keep that in your fucking mind.
I'm in fucking therapy because of you.
to raise a child is hard I know, but you are just a fucking narcissistic sociopath who thinks everyone in this world should be like you (she really said that). Fuck your ideologies,
I hate you for being fucking you.
2023.06.09 19:55 HashisFarmer Stopping microdosing LSD after 3 weeks
I'll give some context first. I'm a 23 y.o male living with my parents and doing a job i don't like, quite experienced with LSD (30+ trips).
I tried microdosing (10ug) for 3 weeks due to feeling hopeless and depressed most of the time, but i think i'll stop cause the days i take the doses i feel even more sad.
I told my therapist about this and she helped me understand why: LSD is like a magnifying glass, my job and family situation is quite depressing, therefore taking the drug emphasized these emotion, i'm not feeling down cause i have some problems with myself, but because the context in which i live is miserable, and taking LSD just makes my life more miserable.
However microdosing helped a lot giving me clarity about what i can do to change this situation, how can i move from my parents and seek my path, i'm extremely grateful for that.
I think my body gives me signals to stop microdosing for now, i realized what i had to realize, better save these tabs for better times, maybe when i'll finally move out microdosing will be helpful to give me the extra boost of confidence to manage my life.
submitted by HashisFarmer to microdosing [link] [comments]
I tried microdosing (10ug) for 3 weeks due to feeling hopeless and depressed most of the time, but i think i'll stop cause the days i take the doses i feel even more sad.
I told my therapist about this and she helped me understand why: LSD is like a magnifying glass, my job and family situation is quite depressing, therefore taking the drug emphasized these emotion, i'm not feeling down cause i have some problems with myself, but because the context in which i live is miserable, and taking LSD just makes my life more miserable.
However microdosing helped a lot giving me clarity about what i can do to change this situation, how can i move from my parents and seek my path, i'm extremely grateful for that.
I think my body gives me signals to stop microdosing for now, i realized what i had to realize, better save these tabs for better times, maybe when i'll finally move out microdosing will be helpful to give me the extra boost of confidence to manage my life.
2023.06.09 19:54 BobDaisuki Your Ultimate Guide to S-rank every single Challenge song! Part 3: Nijigasaki(Finale)
 | Apologies for getting this out extremely late, real life hasn't been too kind in my free time. But now that I have some more once again let me finish off this trilogy of guides once and for all! This will be the finale so if you want to see how to beat all the Aqours songs instead or want more context on why I'm doing this, I'll be linking Part 2 and Part 1 here respectively. submitted by BobDaisuki to SIFallstars [link] [comments] With that out of the way...let's begin. Starting off with Love U my friends. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love U my friends(Natural-attribute)Ah, this song. Let's look at the base gimmicks now shall we...[Show Specialty] During the Live Show, base appeal of Non-Natural attribute school idols will fall by 50%and [Show Specialty] During the Live Show, base skill Activation Rate of non-Natural school idols will fall by 50%Just like Jingle Bells ga Tomaranai, do not bring anything but natural-attribute URs into this song(unless they are the appeal boosters). But unlike that pure-attribute abomination, this one is significantly easier. Will still be very rough if you lack strong natural frontliners however. The main things to watch out for in this song are those 80% stamina dmg notes that pierces through shields. Those will hurt a lot if you face-tank them, luckily there's a way to deal with them that doesn't involve too much RNG. Those being DR on swap LSAs. The first one shows up quite early, on note #16 to be exact. If you have Fes2 Hanayo(Natural GD), she'll make this song much easier to deal with. All you will have to do is either swap into your blue strategy(of GD-type healers) and tank it before swapping back after, or just start the song in your GD-side strategy and then swap to your frontline then. No worries if you do not have her, try to look for one as the guest assist in that case. She will also work just fine here despite the 30 note cooldown because all the 80% max health piercing notes are spread very far apart. Not much to say about AC#1(Gain a total of 1,298,000 Voltage) and AC#2(Gain a total of 2,465,000 Voltage). They're pretty standard voltage ACs, the first one boosts all SP-type skill activation and the second one boosts all SK-type skill activation. Relying on those buffs will not be mandatory though so no need to stress over these(and the other voltage ACs in this song tbh). AC#3(Maintain 80% or more of your Stamina). I hope you were very healthy after eating that first 80% note in the beginning because you do not want to swap back into the GD side-strat for this AC. If you didn't pass it either spend more time healing back at the start of the song or reset for better frontline healing RNG. The reason you do not want to swap back into the GD side-strat too early is because of the upcoming 2nd 80% piercing note. If you waste Fes2 Hanayo's swap on DR LSA it's gonna make eating this note very painful. Otherwise it comes right before AC#4 begins. So swap into your side-strat, and immediately swap back to green strat because... AC#4(Gain a total of 801,000 Voltage with SP Skills). Oh boy this appeal chance. I hope your frontline has at least one SP-type UR because otherwise you're going to fail this AC. It demands over 800,000 voltage...and you only get 23 notes to pass it. There is not enough time for three SP-skills so you better two-shot it. At least it buffs both SP-type fill rates and skill activation, on top of adding a single trick note that fills the SP gauge by 10%. AC#5(Maintain 80% or more of your stamina). If you need to swap back into the GD side-strat to pass this AC that's fine. The 3rd 80% piercing note doesn't come for a long time so you can heal back up if your frontline wasn't able to keep you green during the AC#4. AC#6(Gain a total of 2,074,000 Voltage) is just another standard voltage AC so not much to talk about. AC#7(Gain a total of 400,000 Voltage with SP Skills). If you passed the 800k SP AC this one is much easier, so no need to sweat. It's shorter but it's also significantly smaller of a bar to pass so you should likely be fine. AC#8(Gain a total of 1,560,000 Voltage) is the final standard voltage AC, not much else to say. However after it's over be prepared to swap into the GD side-strat one last time because the 3rd and final 80% piercing note arrives. AC#9(Maintain 90% or more of your Stamina). Either stay in your GD-side strat to heal back up or swap back to your frontline after eating the 3rd 80% piercing note. It'll be a gamble but either way, pray your healers are strong enough so you can pass this very last appeal chance. Some of the good URs for this song: https://preview.redd.it/raca60pb115b1.png?width=808&format=png&auto=webp&s=b77790a1786ade4d6a847703fd0e9470751320e5 -Fes3 Yoshiko: Best Natural frontliner in the entire game. Extremely good here. -Party Karin: Yoshiko but slightly lower stats. Still extremely good here. -Fes3 Nico: Solid filler, will help towards passing the voltage and SP ACs. -Fes2 Dia: Nico except she comes with SP-Overcharge instead. Really helpful for that 4th AC where you need 801,000 voltage from SP-skills. -Fes3 Nozomi: Solid frontliner in general for this song. -Fes2 Hanamaru: Same as Nozomi -Fes2 Rin: Same as Nozomi -Fes1 Mia: You don't really need SP-skill voltage boosters in this song but this UR can probably help pass AC#4 if she's paired with an actual SP-filler. -Party Eli: Best natural healer in the entire game. The strongest frontline you can ask for if you're gonna be frontlining a sustain this song. Extremely good here. -Dream Kanata: Weaker version of Eli but most likely can work as well. -Fes2 Hanayo: The best GD for this song period, there is no one that can replace her in the side-strat. Is the song doable without her though? Yes, but it'll be much rougher. -Vampire Riko: The UR designed specifically for this song. Heals on tap skill and can also simultaneously shield with her LSA. Really good here. -Fes1 Hanamaru: Riko but reversed. She primarily shields and has a chance to heal on her own taps. Not as good as Riko but can be used. -Summer Nozomi: Solid natural healer. -Cheer Lanzhu: Same as Nozomi. -Sakura Dia: Healers are better than shielders here but at least this Dia can give you three free shields at the beginning of the song which is nice. Honorable Mentions: -Fes4 Hanamaru(Natural SK): Was released after I had already finished with this section of the guide, but will be an amazing frontliner here. This was the team I used to S-rank the song: https://preview.redd.it/2xe8m32f115b1.jpg?width=1945&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c3d31ace61e08ff76d1db55fdbc94b98f8758607 https://preview.redd.it/47g8sh8g115b1.jpg?width=1835&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b0fb8b04ec1897bd2b59690354cb6d870267c61 -Red strategy(appeal boosters): Standard appeal boosters, the higher the tech the better so your SP-skill will hit very hard. Two belts is more than enough, when I beat this song my 3rd one was only LB1. s(group) insights go here. -Green strategy(GD side-strat): Not much to say, best natural GD-healers go here. I didn't have a 3rd one at the time so I used this Dia instead. I started the song in this side-strat only because swapping twice for the 1st 80% note was pretty annoying. s(group) insights go here. 3 necklaces go here. -Blue strategy(frontline): Yes that is indeed a LB0 Fes2 Ruby and Fes2 Dia, only my Party Eli was MLB in the frontline. This song gives so much voltage if you can pass all the ACs so super strong frontliners weren't 100% necessary from what I saw. Ruby and Eli also didn't have board 100 at the time either. Same strategy/attribute insights go here. Brooch + double bangles is recommended. For the guest it's highly recommended to borrow Fes2 Hanayo if you don't have her. If you do have her though then any other appeal booster like Thanksgiving Mia can work just fine. Bond Boards: -For the appeal boosters higher is better, but board 35 for level 84 URs will be the bare minimum. -For the frontline get at least board 50 for the 10% attribute match. -For the GD side-strat anything past board 35 is nice but not mandatory. This song overall would probably be like a high 6, maybe even a 7/10 on the difficulty scale depending on your roster of natural-attribute cards. For me personally it's like a 4/10. Borrowing a Fes2 Hanayo guest as well just made it so the 80% piercing notes did next to no dmg whenever I swapped into the GD side-strat. Frontline Party Eli also meant healing wasn't an issue whatsoever. I have seen the nightmare this song can be for the people that lacked one or even both of those URs however. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cheesing Love U my friendsDo you have Natural healers? If you answered no then skip right ahead to the next section because otherwise you'll likely just die. Borrow a Fes2 Hanayo for the guest, as her DR on swap LSA actually matters a lot here.-Red strategy: Any 3 URs sorted by highest stamina, you won't be tapping with these. 3 necklaces go here but can be replaced by bracelets. -Green strategy: Your 3 best natural sustain go here. It's fine to run one or even two shielders if you're lacking healers, but you will want at least one. 3 necklaces go here but can be replaced by brooches. -Blue strategy: Any 3 SK-type URs. You don't want to be staying for very long here. Can use 3 GD-types if those 80% stamina notes are really giving you some issues though. 3 necklaces go here. Swap into blue whenever you're about to tap on those stamina-piercing trick notes. Immediately swap to green asap. Face-tank everything else otherwise. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nijiiro Passions(Cool-attribute)Oh...this song. If you don't have Party Shioriko, Fes3 Ai, or Christmas Lanzhu I'd recommend just skipping over to the next section to be honest*. The reason being because this song passively reduces the base appeal of all non-Cool attribute cards by 50%. There are a decent amount of 30k notes as well but those are the least of your concerns when this song has very large SP ACs that boost specifically Nijigasaki skill activation only. How large exactly? Well...-AC#1(Gain a total of 662,000 Voltage with SP skills). Starts immediately upon song start and you only have 30 notes to two-shot this thing. -AC#2(Gain a total of 457,000 Voltage with SP skills). Only lasts 7 notes so you need to one-shot it. -AC#5(Gain a total of 1,133,000 Voltage with SP skills). You get 33 notes for this AC, but at least there's time to get three SP skills off in here if you had saved one to use at the very start. -AC#6(Gain a total of 381,000 Voltage with SP skills). Only 6 notes long but if you can pass the others before this you can one-shot this one as well. -AC#9(Gain a total of 471,000 Voltage with SP skills). Only lasts 6 notes as well so you need to one-shot this one too. *Edit: Fes4 Ayumu(Cool SP) came out after I had already finished writing this section. She’s easily the best frontliner here if you can use her. The pool of strong Cool-attribute fillers is very small. How small exactly? Let me show you with these recommended URs... https://preview.redd.it/r8gwfu96215b1.png?width=712&format=png&auto=webp&s=99865d87ec5e64b02f09112d36081c7351d50c9d -Fes3 Ai: The best cool filler in the entire game, and will remain that way by the looks of it. Extremely good here. -Party Shioriko: The second best cool filler in the entire game. Extremely good here. -Christmas Lanzhu: Good thing the ACs boost all Nijigasaki skill activation because this card isn't a SP-type. 11% chance to fill is really unfortunate but at least her LSA and those Niji buffs will help remedy it. -Spotlight Ruby: This over two year old card is unironically...our third best cool filler in the entire game as of me typing this. However she won't be receiving the Niji buffs so it'll be much more RNG compared to the two best options. -Fes2 Chika: Lanzhu but is a limited UR and also doesn't receive the Niji buffs. Will be extremely RNG, even more than Ruby. -Fes2 Nozomi: Pair her with either of the two best fillers and you can do just fine. Not an ideal choice here but at least she's cool-attribute. -Fes1 Karin: Nozomi except much weaker. At least she'll be receiving those Niji buffs unlike her though. -New Year Yoshiko: The best cool healer right now. Won't need those Niji buffs to keep you alive as long as she doesn't sleep too hard. -Fes3 Kasumi: She might be losing 50% of her appeal because she isn't cool-attribute, but with those Niji buffs and her 2022 stats she's still more than strong enough to be frontlined here. -Fes1 Mari: Yoshiko but weaker. -Fes1 Shizuku: If she's MLB she can be frontlined here with ideally little to no issues. -New Year Emma: Can go in a side strategy to help you pass those skill activation ACs. -White Day Rina: Same as Emma. -Knitting Setsuna: Same as Emma. Honorable mentions: -Fes3 Kanata(Cool VO): Like Fes2 Nozomi, if you pair her with one of the two best fillers she can be frontlined here. -New Year Ayumu(Cool VO): Same as Kanata. -Moonlit Umi(Cool VO): Same as Kanata This was the team I used to S-rank this song: https://preview.redd.it/przsc9me215b1.jpg?width=1930&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f72174d11df2ab3050ebecb56e6b61bd3b310d0 https://preview.redd.it/m21e6ydf215b1.jpg?width=1829&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0099d3cad8ec7ca3f694972a62ce07ae2b6488a2 -Red strategy(appeal boosters): Highest technique appeal boosters go here, those belts need to make your SP skill hit super hard. I needed at least one bracelet in this clear so that's why instead of putting 3 belts here I moved the 3rd one to the frontline instead. s(group) insights go here. -Green strategy(frontline): Pulling Fes3 Ai off a reroll banner a very long time ago was really lucky, she's by far the best UR for this song. It meant I could pair her with Fes2 Nozomi and two-shot all the super large SP ACs(except for the 1st one which I just failed on purpose). Same strategy/attribute insights go here. -Blue strategy(GD side-strat): Those 30k dmg notes both come in triplets before the skill ACs starts so I needed healers to bring me back to green stamina. Luckily the song boosts Niji skill activation so they didn't necessarily need to be cool-attribute. s(group) insights go here. For the guest I recommend borrowing SP-Overcharge if you don't have Fes3 Ai who comes with her own. If you are using her then any standard appeal booster like Fes3 Dia or Party Nozomi will work too. Bond Boards: -For the appeal boosters get it as high as you can. Board 35 for level 84 URs should be the bare minimum though. -For the frontline get them to board 50 for the 10% attribute match bonus at least. -For the GD side-strat anything past board 35 will be nice but not necessary. Actual difficulty-wise this song would be like 3 or a 4/10. I'm giving it an 8/10 simply because your options of good URs for this song are extremely small. Unfortunately if you lack one of two good URs for this song, better hope you have that Lanzhu UR MLB or I'd recommend just skipping over this song to save the sanity that'd be spent resetting for RNG again and again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheesing Nijiiro PassionsUnlike S-ranking, cheesing this song is very easy to do.-Red strategy: Any three URs sorted by highest stamina. Three necklaces or bracelets go here. -Green strategy: Your three best Nijigasaki healers or shielders go here, they don't even have to be cool-attribute. I'd personally recommend 2 shielders and a healer but I've cheesed this song with 3 shielders in the past before. 3 necklaces or brooches go here. -Blue strategy: Any three URs sorted by highest stamina. Three necklaces go here. Stay in green and just face-tank everything, that's all you have to do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neo Sky Neo Map(Active-attribute)Oh boy...this song. If you don't have at least 3 MLB Nijigasaki VO cards I'd recommend just skipping onto the next section. First off you’ll be dealing with this base gimmick of the song:[Show Specialty] During the Live show, base Appeal will be reduced by 50% for all school idols not members of Nijigasaki.So don't bring anyone but Niji girls then? Well not exactly, if the girls are both active-attribute and are VO-typing they might be usable despite the appeal loss but you'll have a much rougher time. The bigger emphasis for team-building will be that the frontline mainly consists of VO-type cards. Why the need for VOs specifically? This song heavily...and I do mean HEAVILY buffs them to the stars above. Also, if you want to S-rank this song then playing on manual is going to be next to mandatory. From here on out I'll only be going over how to S-rank this song on manual. The difference between the two ways of playing is massive and even that in itself is an understatement. To get a small glimpse on what you'd need, I don't recommend trying to use autoplay unless you have 6 MLB Nijigasaki VO cards. This is the team we'll be using: -Red strategy: Appeal boosters, preferably VOs. -Green strategy: 3 MLB VOs. Non-Niji ones can be used but I would not recommend trying with more than one. Non-Active Niji VOs will work just fine though. -Blue strategy: 2 shielders and a healer. They all need to be active-attribute to take advantage of the massive skill activation buffs you'll be receiving later. These are the appeal chances and how you tackle each one: -AC#1(Gain a total of 237,000 Voltage): You're supposed to use VO cards that give a percentage of their own appeal upon skill activation to clear this AC. If you fail it just try again because it is slightly RNG. It is possible to pass this with only 2 VOs that do this while having the 3rd one boost all voltage gained with their tap skill instead, however it will be much more RNG. -AC#2(Gain a total of 2,194,000 Voltage): Just fail this AC on purpose, it's not worth trying to pass it. This is because during the AC you'll be constantly barraged with 30k dmg trick notes again and again. After passing AC#1, swap to your blue strategy immediately and just start building up those shields. With all the skill activation buffs you'll be receiving you'll just barrel through all those 30k notes and the AC failure dmg. If you swap at any point you'll lose the skill activation buffs and you're going to have a much rougher time trying to pass the next AC. Speaking of... -AC#3(Maintain 100% or more of your Stamina): By the time you enter this AC you should have a pretty sizable shield built up. This is why two shielders is recommended, because there is zero room for error here. Once you pass this AC swap back to your green strategy, and you'll notice that your SP gauge is starting to fill really quickly. That's because of the buff obtained from passing the 3rd AC, save your SP skill though because you'll need it for... -AC#4(Gain a total of 2,952,000 Voltage): This AC will nerf all tap voltage to zero like AC#1, but there's no possibility of gaining that much voltage off tap skills alone so you'll want to save your SP skill for the very start of the AC and then use it again asap to clear this AC. That way you cleanse the debuff and can start scoring again. Once you pass this AC swap to your blue strategy and then swap back to green asap. This is to cleanse all the SP-gauge gain debuff trick notes you just barreled through. Then...comes the roughest part of this song. -AC#5(Gain a total of 3,764,000 Voltage): This AC has four of those -50% voltage gain reducing trick notes if you tap on them. Key word being if you tap on them. This is why manual is required, you need to purposefully miss every single one because then it allows you to keep tapping with your green strategy. If you can pass this AC while dodging all those trick notes, you're on the home stretch towards beating this song. -AC#6(Gain a total of 4,096,000 Voltage): Our first "regular" AC. Nothing too special about it, ignore the buff to GD-types and continue tapping with your green strategy. -AC#7(Maintain 100% or more of your Stamina): Also why two shielders is recommended. Your shields should not have broken by this point, so if you still have some left you can simply continue tapping with your green strategy. There's a single -50% voltage gain debuff trick note, but it's easy to avoid. Technically you only lose the VO-type appeal buff(from AC#5) if you swap more than 3 times so you could swap back into your shielding strat to pass this if you need a couple more shields, but I recommend just staying in your frontline if you can by this point in the song. -AC#8(Gain a total of 10,007,000 Voltage): Oh boy that's a lot of voltage needed. Luckily if you passed AC#7 you will currently temporarily be able to spam the SP-skill which'll help towards passing this beast. The final four -50% voltage gain debuff trick notes are in this AC, they're much easier to avoid compared to AC#5 so just focus on tapping everything else. This AC also gives a massive boost to your appeal based on the number of Voltage types in your team, which is why it's recommended for your appeal boosters to also be VOs. By the time you enter AC#8 you should have around ~39 million voltage. You will indeed get the other 12+ million voltage needed off this AC alone, it's crazy good. If you made it to the end after dodging all those trick notes I hoped you scored enough for S-rank! These are some of the good URs for this song: https://preview.redd.it/pg2ae2zk215b1.png?width=781&format=png&auto=webp&s=83e79a66c48a470fdef3c15a779a156d820cabc2 -Fes3 Rina: The single best frontliner in this song. Extremely good here. -Fes2 Karin: Not the same power level as Rina but still really strong. Extremely good here. -Cheer Ai: The non-limited UR released for this song specifically. Pretty good here. -Fes1 Setsuna: Despite being well over 3 years old if you have her MLB already she is actually really good here. -Fes2 Ayumu: Probably the single best non-Active Niji frontliner for this song. -Fes3 Setsuna: Her tap skill isn't ideal for AC#1 but otherwise she's extremely good here. -Fes3 Dia: Probably the best non-Niji Active frontliner you can use here. -Fes1 Kanan: Dia but much weaker. -Jewelry Ai: Probably one of the best, if not the best shielder for this song. Extremely good here. -Fes2 Eli: Same as Ai. -Snow Mia: Thick shields will allow you to stay in your frontline for longer. -Fes1 Rina: Same as Mia. -Chinese Maid Rin: Mia but much weaker. -Initial Ruby: Mia but much weaker. -Around the World Kasumi: Solid choice of a healer here. -Sweets Deco Ayumu: Same as Kasumi. Honorable Mentions: -Fes3 Shioriko(Elegant VO): Pretty good here -Party Mia(Elegant VO): Same as Shioriko -Fes2 Shizuku(Elegant VO): Same as Shioriko -Easter Shizuku(Active GD): DRs GDs aren't ideal vs. a 2nd shielder...but they can work if your other two defenders are strong enough. This was the team I used to S-rank this song: https://preview.redd.it/boa8hogm215b1.jpg?width=1923&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b80f5be6983a3ca9a2216b024b25f7cf06ba150b https://preview.redd.it/aj0j1mbn215b1.jpg?width=1823&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e1c6b06c5df7b41cb0fb0514f251ab2251afe79f -Red strategy(appeal boosters): Preferably these ones are VOs as it makes AC#1 less RNG the more you have. All 3 girls are on s(group) insights. 3 necklaces go here. -Green strategy(frontline): My three best Nijigasaki VOs. Rina is on same school, Karin is on same strategy/attribute, and Ayumu is on same strategy insights. Choker + both bangles is recommended because even without extremely good boards it's super easy to tap for 300k+ each during the final AC. -Blue strategy(shieldehealing side-strat): I did not have any of the good active defenders when I S-ranked this song so I was forced to limit break these super old URs instead. Ideally they all have s(group) insights. 3 necklaces go here. For the guest just borrow any standard appeal booster like Thanksgiving Mia, Party Nozomi, etc. Bond Boards: -For the appeal boosters anything past board 35 for level 84 URs will be nice but not necessary. -For the frontline I strongly recommend board 50 for the 10% attribute match bonus minimum. If they are non-Active or even non-Niji URs, then I recommend getting it as high as possible. -For the shielding/healing side-strat anything past board 35 will be a nice little bonus. This song is an easy 10/10 on the difficulty scale. Requires super specific URs, your frontline + side strategy of shielders/healers need to be pretty much MLB, and to top it all off purposefully missing some notes is clearly not intended by the developers but trying to play the song normally will just turn this behemoth into an even bigger of a headache to play. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheesing Neo Sky Neo MapIt's relatively simple to do.-Red strategy: Any three URs sorted by highest stamina. Three necklaces go here but can be replaced by bracelets. -Green strategy: Three active-attribute shielders or healers. They do not need to be GD-type, but you do want them to be active at least so they can take advantage of all those skill-activation buffs. Either 3 necklaces or brooches go here. -Blue strategy: Any three URs sorted by highest stamina. Three necklaces go here. Just sit in the green strategy for the entire song and eat all the AC failures. If you are going to be using GD-types however, you will need to cleanse the -100% skill activation debuff for GD-types. After AC#5 is over just switch into either side-strategy after eating that trick note and then swap back to green. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love the Life We Live(Pure-attribute)Where...do I even begin with possibly the worst Challenge song in the entire game? First off I strongly recommend just ignoring this song altogether. While there isn’t a massive debuff to appeal for non-pure cards you will be dealing with these two gimmicks for the entire song:[Show Specialty] During the live shows, the activation rate of SP-type basic skills is reduced by 50%and [Show Specialty] During the Live show, base Appeal will be reduced by 25% for all school idols not members of Nijigasaki.So don't bring SP-types and bring only Niji units? Not necessarily, you will see later that despite not being able to use any skills SP-types are far and away still the best choice for frontliners here. As for the non-Niji debuff it's only -25% so you'd still be able to use girls from the other schools...assuming they have a mega strong bond board. While there are no 100k dmg notes, shield-piercing max health notes, or even a massive -50% appeal debuff to non-pure cards...there is just one tiny little category of trick notes. That single one turns this song from challenging...to a complete and utter nightmare. Trick Notes: 100% Voltage reduction(Decreases voltage gained by all cards for 15 notes. Always activates.Well that doesn't seem so bad at first glance right? The real problem lies in the number of them...NINE OF THEM...and THEY APPEAR IN EVERY ALMOST EVERY SINGLE APPEAL CHANCE. How do you deal with these then since neither swapping into another side strategy nor avoiding them like in Neo Sky Neo Map works? Well, do you remember your little old friend called cleansers? These are all the ones in-game if it helps jog your memory. You will have to win the 20-30% chance on swap(depending on the card), or the 50% chance on SP-skill, for ALL NINE OF THOSE TRICK NOTES. Though technically only 7 of them if you do run a cleanse on SP card, since there's no physical way to get your SP-skill in time for the first two -100% voltage notes. If you do use those however you'll still need a second cleanser that activates on swap because getting rid of the first two trick notes is mandatory. The sad thing is it's not like passing the voltage ACs is any easy either if you do successfully cleanse those awful trick notes. All the voltage ACs require over 100k taps on average to clear them, so you will need not only strong cards but also ones with really good bond boards. You'll also want them to be SP or SK-types preferably as well. All the ACs except the stamina ones give a massive 200% appeal boost to those types upon AC success, so despite SP-types being unable to use any skills in this song they're easily the best choice for the frontline here. Unfortunately you lose the massive -200% appeal buff the second you do any strategy switching so you'll want to take advantage of them for as long as possible. That may or may not be a little hard to do however since... To add insult to injury, there are 30k dmg notes that appear before every single stamina AC begins and while inside of them they'll also increase the dmg taken by 700%. You will need a side strategy to DR this dmg or your stamina will just fall apart. Luckily there isn't much to say about AC#5(Gain a total of 478,000 Voltage with SP skills). It only lasts 7 notes long so you better one-shot it or you'll eat an unnecessary 28k dmg. Some of the good URs for this song: https://preview.redd.it/flq5trtr215b1.png?width=790&format=png&auto=webp&s=e7c414e4c83d6e06fffaff21ad5f8c7e1debec42 -Fes4 Rina: Really good stats, is part of Nijigasaki, and SP-type. Comes with SP-Overcharge too so you might not even need a second belt to pass the 5th AC depending on how strong your frontline is. Extremely good here. -Fes3 Karin: With a 200% appeal buff she should be tapping extremely hard after passing the ACs. Extremely good here. -Fes2 Rina: Fes4 Rina except with smaller stats. Still a pretty good choice here. -Fes1 Kasumi: Same as Fes2 Rina, only with even smaller stats. -Party Nozomi: She might not be Niji but the appeal debuff is only -25% so you could probably make her work here with really good boards. -Fes3 Riko: Same as Nozomi -Fes3 Chika: Same as Nozomi. -Christmas Dia: Same as Nozomi. -Party Honoka: One of the few frontline sustains you could probably use here. -Halloween Umi: Honoka but instead shields and is much weaker. -Fes3 Eli: Still our strongest Pure healer in terms of raw stats. -Jewelry Kotori: Pretty comparable to Eli, if you have her MLB she can work just fine too. -Initial Riko: DR lasts for a long time and comes with the ability to cleanse. Extremely good here. -Carnival Dia: Pretty solid choice of a DR here. -Wonderland Kasumi: Same as Dia -Halloween Ruby: Appeal boosting passives are pretty hard to find on GD-types, probably a decent choice here. Honorable mentions: -Party Shizuku(Smile SK): She might not be pure-attribute but she’s still far and away your best possible choice of a frontline defender for this song. -Fes3 Kasumi(Elegant SP): She might not shield a single time in this song but she still has the recent high af base stats and will be receiving that massive 200% appeal buff upon passing ACs. -Fes2 Ayumu(Pure VO): Will not be receiving the 200% appeal buffs being a VO-type but she’s still usable if your other two frontliners can take advantage of those buffs instead. This was the team that I used to S-rank this song: https://preview.redd.it/94scplws215b1.jpg?width=1902&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a4093e582ccdf483a4232e0b3bcc021ae3e49d13 https://preview.redd.it/wn4s5out215b1.jpg?width=1839&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8a78ab77f0ae49ce8b216efbf7b2627a8cda5ba0 -Red strategy(appeal boosters): Your best ones go here. M(Group) insights are highly preferred on them, but s(group) might be fine depending on your frontline. Fes3 Rina is on same school insights though. I was able to get away with only one belt in the past, but for this one that actually S-ranks the song I needed two of them. 2 necklaces because this song does a lot of dmg. -Green strategy(frontline): I've experimented with a lot of cards, ultimately using ones that were both Niji and also SP/SK-types tended to have the best results. They were all on same strategy insights, but same attribute also works if your frontline is mono-pure. Needed a second belt to pass AC#5, otherwise brooch + double bangles will be good. -Blue strategy(GD side-strat): The recommended strategy uses double cleansers minimum, this song is indeed that awful. Riko and this specific Emma SR act as DRs so they can fulfill multiple roles at once. s(group) insights go here. 3 necklaces go here. Bond Boards: -For the appeal boosters board 35 for level 84 URs should be the bare minimum. -For the frontline board 100 is next to mandatory. But I personally highly recommend board 120 for the pure frontliners. Scoring in this song is extremely tight so you really need to be able to pump out as much as you can with every single tap. -For the GD side-strat anything past board 35 will be nice but mostly unnecessary. For the guest I highly recommend borrowing Party Nozomi if your frontline is all pure-attribute. Otherwise Fes3 Dia instead or Thanksgiving Mia if you do decide to run a single off-attribute as well will be fine. Final thoughts on this song...whoever designed this monstrosity is beyond worth saving. You will need to reset for crit RNG, cleanse RNG, DR RNG, and healing/shielding RNG all at the same time. There are so many possible things that can go wrong in this song that it'd be physically impossible for anyone to lay out every single scenario. This is an easy 100,000/10 on the difficulty scale. Simply because there are one hundred thousand other better things you could be doing than playing this abomination of a song. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheesing Love the Life We LiveLuckily, cheesing this song is infinitely easier than S-ranking it. Essentially plays out the same way as you'd cheese Snow Halation.-Red strategy: Any 3 URs sorted by highest stamina. 3 necklaces go here but can be replaced by bracelets. -Green strategy: Your three best sustain(either shielders or healers), doesn't necessarily have to be GD-types but I recommend them for the 5% DR each you get for using them. 3 necklaces or brooches go here. -Blue strategy: 3 DRs or 2 DRs and a healer. Shouldn't matter what kind of DR you use but 4-5 note ones will be good. 3 necklaces go here. Just stay in the green strategy until those stamina ACs appear. Swap into blue for those and then swap back to green once they're over. Rinse and repeat until you're done with the song. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh my goodness it's finally over...this took me forever to complete, apologies for that. Nijigasaki just has some of the most awful Challenge songs to both beat and explain how to beat by far. Well with that I don't have much else to say but good luck on your attempts if my guides gave you the inspiration to try any of these Challenge songs. If you have any further questions though feel free to leave them down below. Otherwise...take care everyone. This has been u/BobDaisuki, signing off o7 |
2023.06.09 19:54 zapata7515 Came out and not safe at home now.
Hello! Forgive my spelling mistakes I’m typing this at a Walmart for some free wifi. I’m 25 years old and I’ve been in the closest for most of my life. My family is extremely religious and wouldn’t take to kindly to me coming out. Some family stuff started happening and ultimately I outed myself to my mother. She laughed in my face and said I was just confused. I don’t know how I could be confused all my life but whatever. I wasn’t going to fight her. She agreed she’d forget what I said but she has been coming down on me repeatedly. Telling me I need to seek help and suggested conversion therapy. She’s also forbidding me from going out anymore and hanging out with my friends anymore as long as I live in our family house. I’m an adult I’ve finally gotten a lot of my childhood restrictions taken away living with my parents all my life and they’re coming down again. The whole conversation I had with her was kinda funny tho cause like with most stuff with my mom it came down to how can I get more money from you and stuffed. I just feel defeated. Like I’m not going to amount to anything and I’m just done. The only silver lining is a have a lot of family that know on my side at least. And I have a somewhat decent job with the post office. Because of what happened I’ve been locking myself in my room and just keeping to myself. I have some credit card debt as well as student loan debt as well that I’m working on paying. But my plan right now once that’s paid and I can pay off my car is use whatever savings I have to get a studio somewhere. Unfortunately where I’m at most apartments are very expensive and I’d prefer not to room with strangers. I have a friend that just got a house near my workplace and I’m hoping maybe he can house me. I think he would as he offered me a room a few years ago when he got his house. That would be ideal and my cheapest option besides getting a room in a less desirable part of town far from my work. Has anyone been in a situation similar? And how have you dealt with it! I can really use some guidance and suggestions! Thank you everyone I’ve been a long time lurker of this sub!
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2023.06.09 19:53 VeryUnluckyDice Playing By Ear - Ch13 (NoP Fanfic)
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Memory transcription subject: Kila, Venlil Engineering Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
Finally.
Professor Gretty’s calculations had been spot on. He'd even accounted for any potential difference in temperature although it should be possible to manage that element from the tuning slide near the bell.
The apparatus I’d designed was a little different than I'd originally envisioned. At the base of the device, near the mouthpiece, there was a small part that would vibrate the air via a small oscillating ‘gate’. As the air passed through, it would emulate the human lips, causing the air column to resonate properly.
To determine the necessary frequency at which the gate would operate, I had attached a thin, spooled wire to the outside of the slide. As the slide extended, the spring-loaded spool would act as a tool for measurement, determining the length the slide had been moved by how much it had been unwound. As the slide retracted, the spool would rewind. That had taken some tricky design to make consistent. Even the small inconsistencies in how the wire rewound was both breaking the mechanism and causing inaccurate measurements.
Luckily, the slide moved on a mostly fixed path so I could make due.
I had initially planned to use a wireless controller. But, early testing was proving it to be more trouble than it was worth.
The data read from the spool was fed to the gate mechanism where it adjusted the frequency in real time. The entire device used a tiny amount of electricity and while a standard battery would suffice, I'd gotten a little creative against my better judgment. The spool also acted as a tiny generator, charging the on-board battery as the slide was moved.
If this was a school project, I think I'd get perfect marks.
That thought wasn't completely born from ego. I'd gone to great lengths to make it consistent. While the device was mostly simple, I had to make sure it would stand up under rigorous action. As such, I'd been moving the slide in and out the whole time I was tweaking it.
Something my arm was pretty damn tired of.
The harmonic was controlled by a small set of four buttons placed where the player’s paw would grip the slide. Each button represented a certain harmonic level. Between the spool and the buttons, the frequency control was very much usable.
The opening at the end of the gate mechanism was fitted for a specifically designed Venlil-friendly mouthpiece. I'd been considerate of the condensation (spit) that Brad had warned me about. The inside of the gate mechanism was lined with a flexible, waterproof material, allowing the moisture to seep downward and be drained from the ‘spit valve’ at the bottom.
Why did I choose an instrument that you have to blow into?
The whole apparatus would need maintenance and repair every now and again which made for more hassle than the baseline instrument could make. But, it did work for a Venlil player, something that couldn't be said for the original design. I’d actually tested the tone myself, proving that I'd also managed to knock down one of the primary barriers for entry. According to Brad, a Human player had to train their embouchure to be able to get the right frequency for each slide position. In the case of my mechanism, the player just had to be familiar with the harmonic buttons.
It almost felt sacrilegious to make the instrument easier to play. Seemed almost like we, as Venlil, were balking at the musical challenge. But, we were physically incapable of operating the instrument otherwise.
As I held the newly manufactured trombone in my paws, I felt some pride in its creation. I'd crafted it meticulously, sacrificing lots of my time and focus to design it. I'd molded the material, carefully constructed the pitch controller, wired the tiny circuit board, and RIGOROUSLY stress-tested the whole thing to make sure it was up to snuff.
It was completely and totally finished.
Yep.
All done.
Nothing left to work on.
Tested and approved.
…
I sighed as I took the trombone apart and placed the parts in the case. Oddly enough, the relentless rush to get it designed and built was not the part I was worried about. No, the real struggle was the true end goal, the reason I'd made the whole thing in the first place.
Why am I so nervous?
I'd spent my whole life tailing Saesh, trying to emulate her outgoing and fearless nature. Even when everyone around me seemed to take it as a warning sign, I couldn't help but respect her capability. To not be debilitated with fear was a boon to accompany her kind-hearted nature. So, I'd always made it my goal to be like her. Though, I'd often found myself in the same position as my pitch controller. I could emulate the original thing well but it was never quite the same.
For that reason, the prospect of asking Mezil out had me feeling pretty hesitant. The last thing I wanted was to make things weird between us. But, I wanted to get closer to him. He was such a good soul…and it was cute watching him stumble through things.
I just…wasn't used to romance. I'd never felt this way before. And, if things didn't work out, would it ruin our friendship? I didn't know what I’d do if things somehow ended on bad terms.
“You shouldn’t be so worried about what might happen that you let inaction turn into regret.”
I thought back to Brad’s words. He'd been pretty adamant that I should go for it and he also seemed to think I had a good chance.
Maybe Mezil’s disposition was rubbing off on me and I was worrying about nothing.
I turned my pad in my paws for quite some time. Was I really going to do this? I suppose I didn't have to commit to it right away. I could just call him over to my room and give him the trombone. Then, if things went well, I could continue on with the real request.
Yeah. That works. Keep it open. Like Brad said, less serious. Just take it one step at a time.
I hovered a claw over Mezil’s contact…
-
Memory transcription subject: Mezil, Venlil Music Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
After the last few paws, I’d been satisfied to take a considerably long rest. Having blazed through my homework, I took the opportunity to unwind and process everything. It was easy to feel restless with the information I’d recently gleaned but I’d be useless if I ran myself ragged anymore.
As I soaked in the blissful nothingness, I was jarred back to reality by the ringing emanating from my pad. Rolling off of my bed, I hobbled over to my desk where the device laid. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I brought the screen up to where I could read it. The call was from Kila. Odd. She usually just used text messages.
I tapped to accept and gave a groggy greeting as her visage filled the screen.
“Hey, Kila. What’s up?”
“Mezil, are you busy?”
She looked a little more serious than usual. Did something happen?
“Busy doing nothing maybe. No, I'm not really doing anything right now. Why?”
“Can you come to my dorm? I have something you might be interested in.”
That was intriguing but, to be honest, I'd have looked for just about any excuse to hang out with her again. It had only been a few paws but it felt like an eternity. I wasn't always as sociable as the average Venlil but confiding in her had helped me tremendously when it came to dealing with my academic predicament.
“Yeah, no problem. I'll clean up and head over.”
Her face lit up in response.
“Awesome! I'll see you in a bit!”
I stretched myself out and stole a glance at the mirror.
Yeesh. I really am a wreck. I'd better do a deep clean.
-
After bathing and getting the knots out of my fur, I found myself standing in front of Kila’s door. I reached my paw out and tapped out some light knocks. After a few moments, the door opened wide with Kila standing behind it. She wagged her tail in a greeting and motioned me in.
“Wow, you did clean up huh?” she asked while inspecting my newly brushed coat. I'd put some extra effort into it, wanting to make up for my recent disheveled look.
But, looking at her, it seemed she'd done about the same thing. I'd never seen her so well-groomed. Was there a special event coming up?
“Yeah,” I responded. “I've been a hygiene disaster the last few paws so I figured I should change that. You seem pretty done up too. It's a really good look. What's the occasion?”
“Oh, uh, I just wanted to clean up well. I've been kind of a wreck the last few paws too. End of the term, you know?”
I flicked my ears in affirmation. If her last few paws were as eventful as mine, I wouldn't blame her one bit.
“So, you had something you thought I’d want to see?”
“Right! But…maybe we should save that for later. I haven't talked to you lately. How’s schoolwork been treating you? Making headway?”
I sighed as I took a seat on her bed.
“It's going well enough, I guess. Busy. But, I've been completing everything so hopefully I'll pull through. That's not really what's been taking all my time though.”
“Oh? Give me the details.”
Part of me felt hesitant to disclose my findings at the library. But, ultimately I decided that Kila was plenty trustworthy. Besides, I'd already told Brad. Granted, he wasn’t living on a Federation planet.
Kila would keep it a secret. If anyone would do it for me, it'd be her.
So, I filled her in on my plight, explaining the Federation censorship and my meetings with Aebl. I showed her the music piece and told her about how Brad had played over it during our call. I briefly described to her my first experience with rock ‘n roll and how the intensity had made me view my struggles in a different light. Through it all, she sat and listened, occasionally asking questions but mostly staying enamored with the tale.
When I finished my recap, she leaned back in her desk chair and closed her eyes. After a moment of silence, she delivered her conclusion.
“Holy shit.”
An understandable response to my ramblings, I figured. I felt the same way.
“Yeah, that's been my recent experience. What about you? What have you been up to?”
She stiffened at the question, a response that made me stiffen as well. It was unlike Kila to be so jumpy around a subject. I wondered if I'd hit a sensitive spot.
“That…is a good question.”, she responded with hesitation in her voice. “Well…first of all I spoke with Brad alone. He showed me his guitar as well. We talked about some…things…”
Her vagueness was noticeable. It felt like she was dancing around the subject.
“There weren't any problems, were there?” I interjected. “I'm sure we could work out any conflicts.”
“What? No! I just…shit, I’m bad at this.”
Bad at what?
“I’m…not sure I follow.”
“You can’t follow because I’m not saying anything that makes sense! Just…hold on.”
Kila stood from her chair and opened the closet in the corner. From it, she retrieved a long black box, cradling in her arms. She sat it down lengthways on the floor and flipped open the latches. Before opening it, she looked up to me again.
“I've been working on this with Brad. I guess my physics professor helped too. It's a gift for you, actually. I've been busy with it for the last few paws.”
A gift? I hardly deserved one.
“You shouldn't have gone through the trouble,” I blurted. “Shit, it's the end of the term. You shouldn't be worried about me.”
“I'm not worried about you, doofus! Well…I am but that's not why I put this together. Besides, it's already done so don't reject it now.”
She lifted up the top half of the box and inside was a long, curved piece of metal tubing. It ended with a bell shape. Attached were a few strange devices I didn't recognize. It shone brightly, reflecting the light in the room.
…
“Uh…what is it?” I asked.
“BRAD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
Her sudden outburst caught me off-guard and I straightened up in response as she continued.
“I swear…Why wouldn't he show you after he showed me? Then again, he only showed me because I asked. But then, why didn't you ask about it? You're a music student! Damn it, this isn't going how I planned. Mezil, this is a trombone. It's a Human instrument.”
A human…instrument?
A HUMAN INSTRUMENT?
“How did you get a human instrument?!” I asked, nearly jumping onto the thing in my excitement.
“I made it! All in all, the instrument wasn't that complex to build with university machinery. The hard part was making it playable for Venlil. See, Humans do this thing with their lips and facial muscles…anyway, I had to emulate the whole thing mechanically.”
“You…did all of this for me?” I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
“Well…yeah.”
“How does it work? I've never seen anything like it. Holy shit, Kila, this is AWESOME!”
“Ok, so, first we need to put it together. See, the slide and the bell screw together here.”
She took the two pieces from the case and joined them at a threaded section, screwing a nut into place to secure them together.
“Then, you attach the mouthpiece here and place your mouth up to it to blow air through it. But, this is the weird part. Usually, Humans have to use their lips to make vibrations but we can't exactly do that. So, I built this here to serve the same purpose.”
Kila walked me through the functionality of the mechanism, showing me the buttons for changing the harmonic and also the less than glamorous spit valve at the bottom of the slide.
After getting her rundown, I tried it myself, placing my mouth up to the mouthpiece and pushing air through the vibrating gate.
Kila explained that I could use my tongue to cut the air flow and that it could create different effects on the tone. Pushing the air through was harder than expected as the gate restricted the air flow. Apparently, this was by design. It allowed for longer sustain since it didn't immediately require all the air in my body.
Despite the minimal air throughput, just enough to maintain a steady air column, the trombone was actually rather loud. Even the quietest tones I could produce had a significant amount of volume backing them. But, what was perhaps the most intriguing thing was the variety of sound it produced. The softer tones were melodic while the more forceful tones were almost disconcerting.
“You'll need to keep both the main slide and tuning slide greased well. You can detach the wire for the slide detection right here. The whole apparatus can be detached by removing these screws in case you need to clean the instrument. Just make sure to dry it well if you use water so it doesn't rust. And, make sure to keep dents out of the slides.”
As Kila finished her walkthrough, I placed the trombone down gently on top of its case and wrapped Kila in the best hug I could manage.
“Thank you, Kila,” I choked out. “It's amazing. You’re amazing! How did you manage this in two paws?”
“It was three paws, actually.”
“Three paws?”
“Yeah. I spoke to Brad about it that paw when you were at the library. Then, the next paw I spent playing with the design and running simulations. The next paw I built this one.”
“If it's been three paws…wait…”
Relinquishing my hug, I started rifling through my bag for my pad. I brought up the calendar, searching for assignment due dates.
My heart dropped into my stomach when I found what I was looking for.
“Oh no.”
“Mezil?”
“Oh no no no no no fuck fuck fuck FUCK!”
“Mezil, what's wrong?”
“I missed turning in like four assignments! I thought I had one more paw!”
The worry on her face only worsened as she realized the weight of what I was saying. I'd been scraping by, trying to maintain a GPA that would allow me to retain my scholarship.
I just threw that effort away.
I couldn't handle any missing assignments. My grades would still be passing but below the scholarship cutoff.
“Mezil,” she started. “Listen to me. We’ll figure it ou-”
“I'm such a fucking moron, Kila! Fuck! Everything I've done up until now…I just ruined all of it!”
“Look, maybe you can get some extra credit!”
“That's not even the point!” The tears of joy that had been in my eyes were being replaced with tears of anger as I nearly shouted in frustration. “I'm not closing the gap on my schoolwork! It's just getting worse!”
I sat back down on her bed, burying my face in my paws. Kila sat down beside me and wrapped me in a hug of her own. I felt her tail intertwine with mine like I had done when she had her first call with Brad.
“It's alright,” she spoke soothingly. “We’ll figure something out.”
“Why do you keep helping me?” I choked out. “I just keep fucking everything up.”
“No you don't. You're brave and strong. You're kind.”
“All I do is fail. Why even make this trombone for me?”
“Because…Well, actually, I wanted to ask you out for a date…So, do you wanna go out some time?”
…
What?
“I-I'm sorry?” I stammered. “Did I hear you right?”
I saw her face turn a bright orange. I felt my own face follow suit.
“Yeah. But, uh, this isn't how I expected it to go. I'm sorry. It's probably a bad time to mention it now.”
Kila’s sudden confession had snapped me out of my downward spiral completely. If anything, it was the best timing.
“Why me, though?”
“Why not you? You're a great friend. You're passionate about music, smart, and…kinda cute?”
“I'm cute, huh?” I asked, trying to add an air of teasing while I wiped tears from my eyes.
She flicked her ears in annoyance.
“Well, it helps when you clean up like you did. What shampoo is this? I like the smell.”
I chuckled at her response, feeling the tension leave my muscles.
“Mistfruit, I think.”
“So, uh,” Kila continued. “What's the answer then?”
“Answer?”
“Do you wanna go out with me?”
“Sure. But, I think I'm just happy to spend time with you anywhere.”
I didn't know where my words were coming from. There was something that I'd never consciously realized until that point: Kila was easy to talk to. With her, I could speak my mind and, despite all my social shortcomings, it was just natural. Everything felt simple with her. I didn’t mind opening up if she was around.
But I still had a problem.
I sighed and leaned into her embrace, nuzzling into her fur.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't mention it again but what am I gonna do about my grades, Kila? School just isn’t going well at all.”
“Just do what you can. Talk to the professors. Maybe they'll give you a helping paw. Maybe some extra credit like the music assignment.”
“I don't know. Some of them are real hardasses.”
She chuckled at my response.
“Well, maybe you’ll lose that scholarship. There could still be other financial options. Maybe you can find another way to afford it.”
At this point, I was content to listen to her suggestions regardless of whether or not they were realistic. I just found myself lost in her embrace, kept calm by her steady arms.
Then, as if to spite that serenity, my pad rang once again.
“Shit, now is not the time,” I grumbled as Kila released her grip. I picked my pad up and checked the number. “A university number? Who would call me from the school?”
“It could be important,” Kila said, leaning over my shoulder. “You should answer.”
I flicked my tail in agreement and tapped to accept. The screen changed and I was met with Professor Haeli’s face.
“Hello, Mezil.”
“Professor Haeli?”
“I'm sorry to use your personal number but the university had it on record and I felt like I needed to run this by you over a call rather than a message through the school portal. Do you have a moment?”
I turned my ears inquisitively towards Kila who flicked her own ears in a ‘go ahead’ motion.
“Uh, yeah, I've got time.”
“Good. See, I spoke with Headmaster Blyne and I was able to negotiate for a bit of an opportunity.”
An opportunity?
What kind of opportunity could Haeli have for me? The extra credit assignment was already for full marks in her class. She spoke with the headmaster…How big of a deal was this?
I didn’t need to wait long for her to answer my question as she continued her spiel.
“We’ve decided that the best way to determine the merit in Human-Venlil cooperation would be to attempt something more tangible than a report. The headmaster is looking for something more practical and I suggested that we could have an in-person musical performance here at the university. That is, one that includes both Human and Venlil performers.”
A live performance? Here at White Hill?
As far as I knew, there hadn’t been any Human presence at White Hill. It would likely be the very first time. The in-person avenues for the exchange program had been restricted to military personnel. But, perhaps the university had enough leverage to get a civilian onto Venlil Prime.
I found myself wondering what the concert had to do with me. I was only a first-term student. I’d only partaken in a couple of recitals. Certainly, they didn’t want me as a performer.
“What exactly do you need from me?” I asked, unsure of what to make of the situation
“I’d like you to perform, Mezil. I know you haven’t had much of a chance to prove your musical capabilities. No first-term student has. But, you have shown a progressive mindset towards Humans and the ability to adapt to challenges. As far as I know, there’s no one more qualified for this particular event.”
I let her words sink in. She really wasn’t concerned with my lack of experience? In that case, I suppose I was the most qualified.
“Moreover,” she continued. “You’d need to determine the setlist yourself. We’re looking for both Human and Venlil musical representation. The instruments you choose to use are up to you. It really depends on how you choose to arrange your pieces. I’m willing to offer assistance in that regard. The concert would be shortly after the end of the term; five paws after the finalized grades.
You may be wondering what you’d receive in exchange. The headmaster and I went back and forth and decided that, should the performance go well, the university will place you in a program for Human integration going forward. And, you’ll be provided free tuition and board so long as you succeed in that position.”
A full ride scholarship…A FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP!
“I’ll do it!” I sputtered. “Whatever it takes, I’ll make sure the performance goes well!”
“Now, hold on a moment, Mezil,” Haeli spoke with a warning tone. “Certainly, you must know how high the expectations are for this. Don’t agree to it so lightly. This is a very delicate situation that will influence the perception of Humans by the student body and staff. It needs to be near-perfect. I’ll help, of course. But, don’t think this is going to be easy. Headmaster Blyne still needs to work with the UN to get permission to bring a Human civilian here. We’re tentatively assuming that it will be approved since the UN has been very accommodating regarding personnel thus far.
As of now, we don’t have any set Human performers. That will partly be your responsibility unless you cannot find anyone on your own. The civilian comm line to Earth is set to be complete in two paws. You should have free reign to go looking for prospective musicians. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. You may want to mull things over for a paw before committing. It won't be a walk in the park. And, I still expect the report from you as well. If you want perfect marks this term that is.”
I flicked my ears in acknowledgement.
“Thank you, professor!” I nearly shouted. “I’m glad that you chose to involve me. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
Haeli wagged her tail, seemingly pleased with my response.
“Well then, Mezil, I hope to hear from you again soon. For now, I’ll leave you to it. Have a good rest of your paw.”
“You too, professor.”
The call ended and I slumped on the bed, melting into the soft mattress.
“You are so damn lucky,” Kila said as she laid down next to me.
“I have so much work to do,” I responded.
“So…I assume you’re going to get Brad involved?”
“Of course. If I can bring him here to White Hill, that would be awesome.”
“I'm sure he'd be happy to join. It does sound like a ton of work though. Integrating Human and Venlil music with each other sounds tough.”
“Well, luckily I just so happen to have a Human instrument to work with. Someone very special to me made it as a gift.”
Kila nuzzled into me and I returned the favor.
I’ve already worn myself out. So much for a break. That's alright. No one said college would be easy.
And, I wouldn't mind staying in this moment forever.
-
Memory transcription subject: Brad Silmore, Human Field Hand
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
Watching the sun creep up and over the top of its arc, I found myself a little puzzled. I'd thought for sure that Mezil would have been itching to call. It was, after all, the weekend which was the best time for me to help him with his report.
Then again, he seemed pretty tunnel-visioned on the music hidden in the ceiling of that library. Maybe he was still focused on that. Hell, maybe he forgot what day it was.
I wonder what kind of progress Kila was making on her attempt to make a trombone. She seemed smart. Probably wouldn't take her very long.
Snapping me out of my thoughts, the exchange program app on my computer sounded an alert, luckily still audible to me on the front porch. Looked like Mezil decided to call after all.
I meandered inside, closing the door behind me and seating myself at my desk. My hand moved the mouse to click the accept button. As I pressed down, I realized I might want to turn to the side but it was too late. Mezil and Kila’s faces populated the monitor. Luckily, neither of them seemed phased by my staring into the webcam.
“Well, well, well,” I started. “I guess you didn't forget about me after all.”
“Sorry, I forgot that you were off work,” came Mezil’s sheepish response.
Heh. Sheepish.
“More like he forgot what paw it was,” Kila corrected. “He almost screwed up big time.”
Wow, I didn't actually expect to be right about that.
“I did screw up big time. But, I had a lucky break.”
On the bed behind where the two sat, I saw a trombone with a strange set of accessories tacked onto it. Did Kila already finish the construction? Then, that means…
“I see you've been acquainted with a trombone,” I noted. “So, did everything go exactly as you'd planned, Kila?”
Both their faces turned orange which answered my question for me.
“N-not exactly,” Kila stammered. “But, it worked out I think.”
Mezil supplemented his agreeing ear flicks with a head nod.
“Good stuff, I knew you had it in you. So, what's this monumental error that Mezil supposedly made?”
Mezil’s orange shade turned even more orange.
“Well, since I didn't realize what paw it was, I forgot to turn in a number of assignments.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. I knew how precarious his situation was academically.
“You're not failing any classes now are you?” I questioned.
“I'm not failing any of them, but I don't think I can keep my scholarship. Luckily, my music professor contacted me with an opportunity. She wants to do a concert with Venlil and Humans performing. And, the university is offering a position in an integration program if it goes well. If I succeed, I could get a full ride scholarship.”
Kila wagged her tail, looking almost more excited than Mezil himself. It was for good reason. What excellent news!
“That's awesome, Mezil! I know you'll knock it out of the park!”
They both turned their heads in confusion.
Oh yeah. That probably doesn't translate right.
“Er…it means you'll do a great job. It's a sports analogy.”
The pair flicked their ears in understanding. I was beginning to impress myself with how well I could read the Venlil body language.
“I plan to do my best,” Mezil confirmed. “And, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like your help.”
“Sure thing,” I responded. “Need some song suggestions?”
“Actually, I was hoping you could be a part of the performance, coming to Venlil Prime to play.”
Me? Performing on Venlil Prime.
“Mezil,” I started. “I'm not a professional musician. There have to be tons of people more qualified.”
“It doesn't matter,” he insisted. “I’m only a first-term student myself. It's not as much about musical ability. It's more about how well we can cooperate. And, you're a plenty good musician. I've heard you play. It doesn't need to be anything fancy. Just something to show that we can make good things together.”
The explanation made sense. If it was about showing the potential for Human integration, having two exchange partners would be a good plan.
“Can I even get to Venlil Prime?” I asked. “I thought it was only for military personnel.”
“My professor seems confident that they can get the UN to work it out. The request would come from the university so it would have some professional leverage.”
If I can really go to another planet…
“Alright, Mezil. I'm in. It's been a while since I practiced for something serious. But, I'll put my best foot forward.”
Mezil wagged his tail with happiness.
“Great! We’ll need to get a set list together first.”
“Well, I've got time. How would you two like to explore some music with me?”
Both of them leaned forward in anticipation.
Shoot, I didn't actually prepare anything. What haven't they heard yet?
I stopped and considered my options for a moment before a grin spread across my face.
“I do believe you've yet to be acquainted with disco.”
-
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submitted by VeryUnluckyDice to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
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Memory transcription subject: Kila, Venlil Engineering Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
Finally.
Professor Gretty’s calculations had been spot on. He'd even accounted for any potential difference in temperature although it should be possible to manage that element from the tuning slide near the bell.
The apparatus I’d designed was a little different than I'd originally envisioned. At the base of the device, near the mouthpiece, there was a small part that would vibrate the air via a small oscillating ‘gate’. As the air passed through, it would emulate the human lips, causing the air column to resonate properly.
To determine the necessary frequency at which the gate would operate, I had attached a thin, spooled wire to the outside of the slide. As the slide extended, the spring-loaded spool would act as a tool for measurement, determining the length the slide had been moved by how much it had been unwound. As the slide retracted, the spool would rewind. That had taken some tricky design to make consistent. Even the small inconsistencies in how the wire rewound was both breaking the mechanism and causing inaccurate measurements.
Luckily, the slide moved on a mostly fixed path so I could make due.
I had initially planned to use a wireless controller. But, early testing was proving it to be more trouble than it was worth.
The data read from the spool was fed to the gate mechanism where it adjusted the frequency in real time. The entire device used a tiny amount of electricity and while a standard battery would suffice, I'd gotten a little creative against my better judgment. The spool also acted as a tiny generator, charging the on-board battery as the slide was moved.
If this was a school project, I think I'd get perfect marks.
That thought wasn't completely born from ego. I'd gone to great lengths to make it consistent. While the device was mostly simple, I had to make sure it would stand up under rigorous action. As such, I'd been moving the slide in and out the whole time I was tweaking it.
Something my arm was pretty damn tired of.
The harmonic was controlled by a small set of four buttons placed where the player’s paw would grip the slide. Each button represented a certain harmonic level. Between the spool and the buttons, the frequency control was very much usable.
The opening at the end of the gate mechanism was fitted for a specifically designed Venlil-friendly mouthpiece. I'd been considerate of the condensation (spit) that Brad had warned me about. The inside of the gate mechanism was lined with a flexible, waterproof material, allowing the moisture to seep downward and be drained from the ‘spit valve’ at the bottom.
Why did I choose an instrument that you have to blow into?
The whole apparatus would need maintenance and repair every now and again which made for more hassle than the baseline instrument could make. But, it did work for a Venlil player, something that couldn't be said for the original design. I’d actually tested the tone myself, proving that I'd also managed to knock down one of the primary barriers for entry. According to Brad, a Human player had to train their embouchure to be able to get the right frequency for each slide position. In the case of my mechanism, the player just had to be familiar with the harmonic buttons.
It almost felt sacrilegious to make the instrument easier to play. Seemed almost like we, as Venlil, were balking at the musical challenge. But, we were physically incapable of operating the instrument otherwise.
As I held the newly manufactured trombone in my paws, I felt some pride in its creation. I'd crafted it meticulously, sacrificing lots of my time and focus to design it. I'd molded the material, carefully constructed the pitch controller, wired the tiny circuit board, and RIGOROUSLY stress-tested the whole thing to make sure it was up to snuff.
It was completely and totally finished.
Yep.
All done.
Nothing left to work on.
Tested and approved.
…
I sighed as I took the trombone apart and placed the parts in the case. Oddly enough, the relentless rush to get it designed and built was not the part I was worried about. No, the real struggle was the true end goal, the reason I'd made the whole thing in the first place.
Why am I so nervous?
I'd spent my whole life tailing Saesh, trying to emulate her outgoing and fearless nature. Even when everyone around me seemed to take it as a warning sign, I couldn't help but respect her capability. To not be debilitated with fear was a boon to accompany her kind-hearted nature. So, I'd always made it my goal to be like her. Though, I'd often found myself in the same position as my pitch controller. I could emulate the original thing well but it was never quite the same.
For that reason, the prospect of asking Mezil out had me feeling pretty hesitant. The last thing I wanted was to make things weird between us. But, I wanted to get closer to him. He was such a good soul…and it was cute watching him stumble through things.
I just…wasn't used to romance. I'd never felt this way before. And, if things didn't work out, would it ruin our friendship? I didn't know what I’d do if things somehow ended on bad terms.
“You shouldn’t be so worried about what might happen that you let inaction turn into regret.”
I thought back to Brad’s words. He'd been pretty adamant that I should go for it and he also seemed to think I had a good chance.
Maybe Mezil’s disposition was rubbing off on me and I was worrying about nothing.
I turned my pad in my paws for quite some time. Was I really going to do this? I suppose I didn't have to commit to it right away. I could just call him over to my room and give him the trombone. Then, if things went well, I could continue on with the real request.
Yeah. That works. Keep it open. Like Brad said, less serious. Just take it one step at a time.
I hovered a claw over Mezil’s contact…
-
Memory transcription subject: Mezil, Venlil Music Student (First Year) White Hill University
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
After the last few paws, I’d been satisfied to take a considerably long rest. Having blazed through my homework, I took the opportunity to unwind and process everything. It was easy to feel restless with the information I’d recently gleaned but I’d be useless if I ran myself ragged anymore.
As I soaked in the blissful nothingness, I was jarred back to reality by the ringing emanating from my pad. Rolling off of my bed, I hobbled over to my desk where the device laid. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I brought the screen up to where I could read it. The call was from Kila. Odd. She usually just used text messages.
I tapped to accept and gave a groggy greeting as her visage filled the screen.
“Hey, Kila. What’s up?”
“Mezil, are you busy?”
She looked a little more serious than usual. Did something happen?
“Busy doing nothing maybe. No, I'm not really doing anything right now. Why?”
“Can you come to my dorm? I have something you might be interested in.”
That was intriguing but, to be honest, I'd have looked for just about any excuse to hang out with her again. It had only been a few paws but it felt like an eternity. I wasn't always as sociable as the average Venlil but confiding in her had helped me tremendously when it came to dealing with my academic predicament.
“Yeah, no problem. I'll clean up and head over.”
Her face lit up in response.
“Awesome! I'll see you in a bit!”
I stretched myself out and stole a glance at the mirror.
Yeesh. I really am a wreck. I'd better do a deep clean.
-
After bathing and getting the knots out of my fur, I found myself standing in front of Kila’s door. I reached my paw out and tapped out some light knocks. After a few moments, the door opened wide with Kila standing behind it. She wagged her tail in a greeting and motioned me in.
“Wow, you did clean up huh?” she asked while inspecting my newly brushed coat. I'd put some extra effort into it, wanting to make up for my recent disheveled look.
But, looking at her, it seemed she'd done about the same thing. I'd never seen her so well-groomed. Was there a special event coming up?
“Yeah,” I responded. “I've been a hygiene disaster the last few paws so I figured I should change that. You seem pretty done up too. It's a really good look. What's the occasion?”
“Oh, uh, I just wanted to clean up well. I've been kind of a wreck the last few paws too. End of the term, you know?”
I flicked my ears in affirmation. If her last few paws were as eventful as mine, I wouldn't blame her one bit.
“So, you had something you thought I’d want to see?”
“Right! But…maybe we should save that for later. I haven't talked to you lately. How’s schoolwork been treating you? Making headway?”
I sighed as I took a seat on her bed.
“It's going well enough, I guess. Busy. But, I've been completing everything so hopefully I'll pull through. That's not really what's been taking all my time though.”
“Oh? Give me the details.”
Part of me felt hesitant to disclose my findings at the library. But, ultimately I decided that Kila was plenty trustworthy. Besides, I'd already told Brad. Granted, he wasn’t living on a Federation planet.
Kila would keep it a secret. If anyone would do it for me, it'd be her.
So, I filled her in on my plight, explaining the Federation censorship and my meetings with Aebl. I showed her the music piece and told her about how Brad had played over it during our call. I briefly described to her my first experience with rock ‘n roll and how the intensity had made me view my struggles in a different light. Through it all, she sat and listened, occasionally asking questions but mostly staying enamored with the tale.
When I finished my recap, she leaned back in her desk chair and closed her eyes. After a moment of silence, she delivered her conclusion.
“Holy shit.”
An understandable response to my ramblings, I figured. I felt the same way.
“Yeah, that's been my recent experience. What about you? What have you been up to?”
She stiffened at the question, a response that made me stiffen as well. It was unlike Kila to be so jumpy around a subject. I wondered if I'd hit a sensitive spot.
“That…is a good question.”, she responded with hesitation in her voice. “Well…first of all I spoke with Brad alone. He showed me his guitar as well. We talked about some…things…”
Her vagueness was noticeable. It felt like she was dancing around the subject.
“There weren't any problems, were there?” I interjected. “I'm sure we could work out any conflicts.”
“What? No! I just…shit, I’m bad at this.”
Bad at what?
“I’m…not sure I follow.”
“You can’t follow because I’m not saying anything that makes sense! Just…hold on.”
Kila stood from her chair and opened the closet in the corner. From it, she retrieved a long black box, cradling in her arms. She sat it down lengthways on the floor and flipped open the latches. Before opening it, she looked up to me again.
“I've been working on this with Brad. I guess my physics professor helped too. It's a gift for you, actually. I've been busy with it for the last few paws.”
A gift? I hardly deserved one.
“You shouldn't have gone through the trouble,” I blurted. “Shit, it's the end of the term. You shouldn't be worried about me.”
“I'm not worried about you, doofus! Well…I am but that's not why I put this together. Besides, it's already done so don't reject it now.”
She lifted up the top half of the box and inside was a long, curved piece of metal tubing. It ended with a bell shape. Attached were a few strange devices I didn't recognize. It shone brightly, reflecting the light in the room.
…
“Uh…what is it?” I asked.
“BRAD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
Her sudden outburst caught me off-guard and I straightened up in response as she continued.
“I swear…Why wouldn't he show you after he showed me? Then again, he only showed me because I asked. But then, why didn't you ask about it? You're a music student! Damn it, this isn't going how I planned. Mezil, this is a trombone. It's a Human instrument.”
A human…instrument?
A HUMAN INSTRUMENT?
“How did you get a human instrument?!” I asked, nearly jumping onto the thing in my excitement.
“I made it! All in all, the instrument wasn't that complex to build with university machinery. The hard part was making it playable for Venlil. See, Humans do this thing with their lips and facial muscles…anyway, I had to emulate the whole thing mechanically.”
“You…did all of this for me?” I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
“Well…yeah.”
“How does it work? I've never seen anything like it. Holy shit, Kila, this is AWESOME!”
“Ok, so, first we need to put it together. See, the slide and the bell screw together here.”
She took the two pieces from the case and joined them at a threaded section, screwing a nut into place to secure them together.
“Then, you attach the mouthpiece here and place your mouth up to it to blow air through it. But, this is the weird part. Usually, Humans have to use their lips to make vibrations but we can't exactly do that. So, I built this here to serve the same purpose.”
Kila walked me through the functionality of the mechanism, showing me the buttons for changing the harmonic and also the less than glamorous spit valve at the bottom of the slide.
After getting her rundown, I tried it myself, placing my mouth up to the mouthpiece and pushing air through the vibrating gate.
Kila explained that I could use my tongue to cut the air flow and that it could create different effects on the tone. Pushing the air through was harder than expected as the gate restricted the air flow. Apparently, this was by design. It allowed for longer sustain since it didn't immediately require all the air in my body.
Despite the minimal air throughput, just enough to maintain a steady air column, the trombone was actually rather loud. Even the quietest tones I could produce had a significant amount of volume backing them. But, what was perhaps the most intriguing thing was the variety of sound it produced. The softer tones were melodic while the more forceful tones were almost disconcerting.
“You'll need to keep both the main slide and tuning slide greased well. You can detach the wire for the slide detection right here. The whole apparatus can be detached by removing these screws in case you need to clean the instrument. Just make sure to dry it well if you use water so it doesn't rust. And, make sure to keep dents out of the slides.”
As Kila finished her walkthrough, I placed the trombone down gently on top of its case and wrapped Kila in the best hug I could manage.
“Thank you, Kila,” I choked out. “It's amazing. You’re amazing! How did you manage this in two paws?”
“It was three paws, actually.”
“Three paws?”
“Yeah. I spoke to Brad about it that paw when you were at the library. Then, the next paw I spent playing with the design and running simulations. The next paw I built this one.”
“If it's been three paws…wait…”
Relinquishing my hug, I started rifling through my bag for my pad. I brought up the calendar, searching for assignment due dates.
My heart dropped into my stomach when I found what I was looking for.
“Oh no.”
“Mezil?”
“Oh no no no no no fuck fuck fuck FUCK!”
“Mezil, what's wrong?”
“I missed turning in like four assignments! I thought I had one more paw!”
The worry on her face only worsened as she realized the weight of what I was saying. I'd been scraping by, trying to maintain a GPA that would allow me to retain my scholarship.
I just threw that effort away.
I couldn't handle any missing assignments. My grades would still be passing but below the scholarship cutoff.
“Mezil,” she started. “Listen to me. We’ll figure it ou-”
“I'm such a fucking moron, Kila! Fuck! Everything I've done up until now…I just ruined all of it!”
“Look, maybe you can get some extra credit!”
“That's not even the point!” The tears of joy that had been in my eyes were being replaced with tears of anger as I nearly shouted in frustration. “I'm not closing the gap on my schoolwork! It's just getting worse!”
I sat back down on her bed, burying my face in my paws. Kila sat down beside me and wrapped me in a hug of her own. I felt her tail intertwine with mine like I had done when she had her first call with Brad.
“It's alright,” she spoke soothingly. “We’ll figure something out.”
“Why do you keep helping me?” I choked out. “I just keep fucking everything up.”
“No you don't. You're brave and strong. You're kind.”
“All I do is fail. Why even make this trombone for me?”
“Because…Well, actually, I wanted to ask you out for a date…So, do you wanna go out some time?”
…
What?
“I-I'm sorry?” I stammered. “Did I hear you right?”
I saw her face turn a bright orange. I felt my own face follow suit.
“Yeah. But, uh, this isn't how I expected it to go. I'm sorry. It's probably a bad time to mention it now.”
Kila’s sudden confession had snapped me out of my downward spiral completely. If anything, it was the best timing.
“Why me, though?”
“Why not you? You're a great friend. You're passionate about music, smart, and…kinda cute?”
“I'm cute, huh?” I asked, trying to add an air of teasing while I wiped tears from my eyes.
She flicked her ears in annoyance.
“Well, it helps when you clean up like you did. What shampoo is this? I like the smell.”
I chuckled at her response, feeling the tension leave my muscles.
“Mistfruit, I think.”
“So, uh,” Kila continued. “What's the answer then?”
“Answer?”
“Do you wanna go out with me?”
“Sure. But, I think I'm just happy to spend time with you anywhere.”
I didn't know where my words were coming from. There was something that I'd never consciously realized until that point: Kila was easy to talk to. With her, I could speak my mind and, despite all my social shortcomings, it was just natural. Everything felt simple with her. I didn’t mind opening up if she was around.
But I still had a problem.
I sighed and leaned into her embrace, nuzzling into her fur.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't mention it again but what am I gonna do about my grades, Kila? School just isn’t going well at all.”
“Just do what you can. Talk to the professors. Maybe they'll give you a helping paw. Maybe some extra credit like the music assignment.”
“I don't know. Some of them are real hardasses.”
She chuckled at my response.
“Well, maybe you’ll lose that scholarship. There could still be other financial options. Maybe you can find another way to afford it.”
At this point, I was content to listen to her suggestions regardless of whether or not they were realistic. I just found myself lost in her embrace, kept calm by her steady arms.
Then, as if to spite that serenity, my pad rang once again.
“Shit, now is not the time,” I grumbled as Kila released her grip. I picked my pad up and checked the number. “A university number? Who would call me from the school?”
“It could be important,” Kila said, leaning over my shoulder. “You should answer.”
I flicked my tail in agreement and tapped to accept. The screen changed and I was met with Professor Haeli’s face.
“Hello, Mezil.”
“Professor Haeli?”
“I'm sorry to use your personal number but the university had it on record and I felt like I needed to run this by you over a call rather than a message through the school portal. Do you have a moment?”
I turned my ears inquisitively towards Kila who flicked her own ears in a ‘go ahead’ motion.
“Uh, yeah, I've got time.”
“Good. See, I spoke with Headmaster Blyne and I was able to negotiate for a bit of an opportunity.”
An opportunity?
What kind of opportunity could Haeli have for me? The extra credit assignment was already for full marks in her class. She spoke with the headmaster…How big of a deal was this?
I didn’t need to wait long for her to answer my question as she continued her spiel.
“We’ve decided that the best way to determine the merit in Human-Venlil cooperation would be to attempt something more tangible than a report. The headmaster is looking for something more practical and I suggested that we could have an in-person musical performance here at the university. That is, one that includes both Human and Venlil performers.”
A live performance? Here at White Hill?
As far as I knew, there hadn’t been any Human presence at White Hill. It would likely be the very first time. The in-person avenues for the exchange program had been restricted to military personnel. But, perhaps the university had enough leverage to get a civilian onto Venlil Prime.
I found myself wondering what the concert had to do with me. I was only a first-term student. I’d only partaken in a couple of recitals. Certainly, they didn’t want me as a performer.
“What exactly do you need from me?” I asked, unsure of what to make of the situation
“I’d like you to perform, Mezil. I know you haven’t had much of a chance to prove your musical capabilities. No first-term student has. But, you have shown a progressive mindset towards Humans and the ability to adapt to challenges. As far as I know, there’s no one more qualified for this particular event.”
I let her words sink in. She really wasn’t concerned with my lack of experience? In that case, I suppose I was the most qualified.
“Moreover,” she continued. “You’d need to determine the setlist yourself. We’re looking for both Human and Venlil musical representation. The instruments you choose to use are up to you. It really depends on how you choose to arrange your pieces. I’m willing to offer assistance in that regard. The concert would be shortly after the end of the term; five paws after the finalized grades.
You may be wondering what you’d receive in exchange. The headmaster and I went back and forth and decided that, should the performance go well, the university will place you in a program for Human integration going forward. And, you’ll be provided free tuition and board so long as you succeed in that position.”
A full ride scholarship…A FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP!
“I’ll do it!” I sputtered. “Whatever it takes, I’ll make sure the performance goes well!”
“Now, hold on a moment, Mezil,” Haeli spoke with a warning tone. “Certainly, you must know how high the expectations are for this. Don’t agree to it so lightly. This is a very delicate situation that will influence the perception of Humans by the student body and staff. It needs to be near-perfect. I’ll help, of course. But, don’t think this is going to be easy. Headmaster Blyne still needs to work with the UN to get permission to bring a Human civilian here. We’re tentatively assuming that it will be approved since the UN has been very accommodating regarding personnel thus far.
As of now, we don’t have any set Human performers. That will partly be your responsibility unless you cannot find anyone on your own. The civilian comm line to Earth is set to be complete in two paws. You should have free reign to go looking for prospective musicians. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. You may want to mull things over for a paw before committing. It won't be a walk in the park. And, I still expect the report from you as well. If you want perfect marks this term that is.”
I flicked my ears in acknowledgement.
“Thank you, professor!” I nearly shouted. “I’m glad that you chose to involve me. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
Haeli wagged her tail, seemingly pleased with my response.
“Well then, Mezil, I hope to hear from you again soon. For now, I’ll leave you to it. Have a good rest of your paw.”
“You too, professor.”
The call ended and I slumped on the bed, melting into the soft mattress.
“You are so damn lucky,” Kila said as she laid down next to me.
“I have so much work to do,” I responded.
“So…I assume you’re going to get Brad involved?”
“Of course. If I can bring him here to White Hill, that would be awesome.”
“I'm sure he'd be happy to join. It does sound like a ton of work though. Integrating Human and Venlil music with each other sounds tough.”
“Well, luckily I just so happen to have a Human instrument to work with. Someone very special to me made it as a gift.”
Kila nuzzled into me and I returned the favor.
I’ve already worn myself out. So much for a break. That's alright. No one said college would be easy.
And, I wouldn't mind staying in this moment forever.
-
Memory transcription subject: Brad Silmore, Human Field Hand
Date [standardized human time]: September 8, 2136
Watching the sun creep up and over the top of its arc, I found myself a little puzzled. I'd thought for sure that Mezil would have been itching to call. It was, after all, the weekend which was the best time for me to help him with his report.
Then again, he seemed pretty tunnel-visioned on the music hidden in the ceiling of that library. Maybe he was still focused on that. Hell, maybe he forgot what day it was.
I wonder what kind of progress Kila was making on her attempt to make a trombone. She seemed smart. Probably wouldn't take her very long.
Snapping me out of my thoughts, the exchange program app on my computer sounded an alert, luckily still audible to me on the front porch. Looked like Mezil decided to call after all.
I meandered inside, closing the door behind me and seating myself at my desk. My hand moved the mouse to click the accept button. As I pressed down, I realized I might want to turn to the side but it was too late. Mezil and Kila’s faces populated the monitor. Luckily, neither of them seemed phased by my staring into the webcam.
“Well, well, well,” I started. “I guess you didn't forget about me after all.”
“Sorry, I forgot that you were off work,” came Mezil’s sheepish response.
Heh. Sheepish.
“More like he forgot what paw it was,” Kila corrected. “He almost screwed up big time.”
Wow, I didn't actually expect to be right about that.
“I did screw up big time. But, I had a lucky break.”
On the bed behind where the two sat, I saw a trombone with a strange set of accessories tacked onto it. Did Kila already finish the construction? Then, that means…
“I see you've been acquainted with a trombone,” I noted. “So, did everything go exactly as you'd planned, Kila?”
Both their faces turned orange which answered my question for me.
“N-not exactly,” Kila stammered. “But, it worked out I think.”
Mezil supplemented his agreeing ear flicks with a head nod.
“Good stuff, I knew you had it in you. So, what's this monumental error that Mezil supposedly made?”
Mezil’s orange shade turned even more orange.
“Well, since I didn't realize what paw it was, I forgot to turn in a number of assignments.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. I knew how precarious his situation was academically.
“You're not failing any classes now are you?” I questioned.
“I'm not failing any of them, but I don't think I can keep my scholarship. Luckily, my music professor contacted me with an opportunity. She wants to do a concert with Venlil and Humans performing. And, the university is offering a position in an integration program if it goes well. If I succeed, I could get a full ride scholarship.”
Kila wagged her tail, looking almost more excited than Mezil himself. It was for good reason. What excellent news!
“That's awesome, Mezil! I know you'll knock it out of the park!”
They both turned their heads in confusion.
Oh yeah. That probably doesn't translate right.
“Er…it means you'll do a great job. It's a sports analogy.”
The pair flicked their ears in understanding. I was beginning to impress myself with how well I could read the Venlil body language.
“I plan to do my best,” Mezil confirmed. “And, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like your help.”
“Sure thing,” I responded. “Need some song suggestions?”
“Actually, I was hoping you could be a part of the performance, coming to Venlil Prime to play.”
Me? Performing on Venlil Prime.
“Mezil,” I started. “I'm not a professional musician. There have to be tons of people more qualified.”
“It doesn't matter,” he insisted. “I’m only a first-term student myself. It's not as much about musical ability. It's more about how well we can cooperate. And, you're a plenty good musician. I've heard you play. It doesn't need to be anything fancy. Just something to show that we can make good things together.”
The explanation made sense. If it was about showing the potential for Human integration, having two exchange partners would be a good plan.
“Can I even get to Venlil Prime?” I asked. “I thought it was only for military personnel.”
“My professor seems confident that they can get the UN to work it out. The request would come from the university so it would have some professional leverage.”
If I can really go to another planet…
“Alright, Mezil. I'm in. It's been a while since I practiced for something serious. But, I'll put my best foot forward.”
Mezil wagged his tail with happiness.
“Great! We’ll need to get a set list together first.”
“Well, I've got time. How would you two like to explore some music with me?”
Both of them leaned forward in anticipation.
Shoot, I didn't actually prepare anything. What haven't they heard yet?
I stopped and considered my options for a moment before a grin spread across my face.
“I do believe you've yet to be acquainted with disco.”
-
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2023.06.09 19:52 AutoModerator [Genkicourses.site] [Get] RY Schwartz – Coaching The Conversion CTC Circle (10/2022) - Full Course Download
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2023.06.09 19:48 playinboat Some Indian uncles need training on how to ride properly
I recently moved to bangalore. Today, while I was coming from office an Indian uncle talking on his phone with one hand, overtook me from left side. On my right, a big truck was going, I barely saved myself and bike from getting scratched by the truck. Other 2 wheelers were in a line and the space was just enough to accommodate a big bike, this guy from no where just overtakes and doesn't even look at his side mirrors as to what happened back on the road.
I don't know, but I feel these guys think they've been riding for so long they can ride however they want. Who knows for what reason he wanted to save 30 seconds of his life by overtaking.
I am not generalizing but from my experience I've seen mostly people from this age group causing some or the other issue on roads.
submitted by playinboat to indianbikes [link] [comments]
I don't know, but I feel these guys think they've been riding for so long they can ride however they want. Who knows for what reason he wanted to save 30 seconds of his life by overtaking.
I am not generalizing but from my experience I've seen mostly people from this age group causing some or the other issue on roads.
2023.06.09 19:46 Inner-breadstick2395 FM23 wonderkids below:
Decided just to create a post after a previous post asked about your go to wonderkids; as I promised 30+ but here’s about 60 or so to pick through. Some will be more known than others whether due to previous FM’s or real life. Note that all players are born between 2001-2006 so all players are 21yo or under when you start. This is a list of players from my save currently in 2030. Most these players are either world class/ were worth over €20m/ or among the most noteworthy players at their club. I have probably missed some obvious ones & potentially some other gems that I simply haven’t come across in my 45 minute sweep of the save; feel free to add your own & I hope this is a good start for some people wanting to start a new project. Happy gaming folks!
•In no particular order⬇️:
Youssef Chermiti / Matthis Abline
Ishe Samuels-Smith / Désiré Doue
Aymen Kari / Zito
Maurits Kjærgaard / Axel Guessand
Alfie Devine / Reuell Walters
Oscar Gloukh / Elisse Ben Seghirr
Leny Yoro/ Arda Guler
Noah Sahsah / Elye Wahi
Yannick Mausenhund / Giovanni Fabian
Marco Bertini / Vitor Roque
Morato / Valentin Carboni
Martin Vitik / Nicolas Jackson
Isaac Babadi / Josh Doig
Julian Rijkhoff / Elia Caprile
André Gomes / Ömer Beyez
João Rêgo / Diego Coppola
Isak Hansen Aarøen / Lucas Assaidi
Tommaso Baldanzi / Callum Doyle
Mattys Tel / Stefano Dalla Riva
Nicola Zalewski / Victor Eletu
Mario Stroeykens / Diego Moreira
Julian Duranville / Zeno Debast
Jan -Carlo Simič / Jung Sang-Bin
Lovro Zvonarek / Roger Fernandes
Benjamin Dominguez / Ivan Fresneda
Ed Turns / Noël Aseko Nkili
Kenan Yildiz / Roony Bardghji
Daouda Guindo / Samuel Bazdar
Timo Schliek / Paul Wanner
Eyüp Aydin / Khaled Razak
Dorgeles Nene / Adam Aznau
Augustin Giay / Milos Kerkez
Galdur Gudmundsson / Ethan Butera
Ângelo / Aaron Ciammaglichella
Aimar Vicandi / Francisco Conceicão
Sávio / Nelson Weiper
El Chadaille Bitsbiabu / Lukas Björklund
submitted by Inner-breadstick2395 to footballmanager [link] [comments]
•In no particular order⬇️:
Youssef Chermiti / Matthis Abline
Ishe Samuels-Smith / Désiré Doue
Aymen Kari / Zito
Maurits Kjærgaard / Axel Guessand
Alfie Devine / Reuell Walters
Oscar Gloukh / Elisse Ben Seghirr
Leny Yoro/ Arda Guler
Noah Sahsah / Elye Wahi
Yannick Mausenhund / Giovanni Fabian
Marco Bertini / Vitor Roque
Morato / Valentin Carboni
Martin Vitik / Nicolas Jackson
Isaac Babadi / Josh Doig
Julian Rijkhoff / Elia Caprile
André Gomes / Ömer Beyez
João Rêgo / Diego Coppola
Isak Hansen Aarøen / Lucas Assaidi
Tommaso Baldanzi / Callum Doyle
Mattys Tel / Stefano Dalla Riva
Nicola Zalewski / Victor Eletu
Mario Stroeykens / Diego Moreira
Julian Duranville / Zeno Debast
Jan -Carlo Simič / Jung Sang-Bin
Lovro Zvonarek / Roger Fernandes
Benjamin Dominguez / Ivan Fresneda
Ed Turns / Noël Aseko Nkili
Kenan Yildiz / Roony Bardghji
Daouda Guindo / Samuel Bazdar
Timo Schliek / Paul Wanner
Eyüp Aydin / Khaled Razak
Dorgeles Nene / Adam Aznau
Augustin Giay / Milos Kerkez
Galdur Gudmundsson / Ethan Butera
Ângelo / Aaron Ciammaglichella
Aimar Vicandi / Francisco Conceicão
Sávio / Nelson Weiper
El Chadaille Bitsbiabu / Lukas Björklund
2023.06.09 19:44 No_Risk97 Screw construction.
I've got 5 years of experience in the industry, with a main building services contractor (including an engineering degree). I'm at the point where I no longer have the interest, care, or will to improve and develop within the industry.
Can't have 5 mins to yourself and can never complete something, the commercial team tries to save money but end up making production more difficult, and so many weekends, I can't even have a life outside of work.
Sometimes I wish I worked in a nice office with the A/C just right, sipping coffee while looking at my monitor. What do you guys think?
submitted by No_Risk97 to Construction [link] [comments]
Can't have 5 mins to yourself and can never complete something, the commercial team tries to save money but end up making production more difficult, and so many weekends, I can't even have a life outside of work.
Sometimes I wish I worked in a nice office with the A/C just right, sipping coffee while looking at my monitor. What do you guys think?
2023.06.09 19:44 Party_Wind9452 Abusive father seeks support now.
Why it gets too difficult sometimes guys?
I [22M] am trying my best to hold myself, and stay strong in life. Fighting each problem with patience and diligence. But now, I'm tired, I'm losing my ability to deal with problems and people now.
My father used to physically abuse me in my childhood, always been bullied in school life because of my effeminacy.
Now, the situation is different. I've started earning a little from my internship. My father lost everything in a debt trap and to toxic relatives. Sold our home and still living on rent with a huge debt. Father never paid attention at home, be it paying our school fees or getting groceries from the market.
He stays always stressed and still never realized what he did to me, my mother and my siblings. He still thinks he's done nothing wrong and speaks rubbish always. I feel irritated now, seems like he's getting mad day by day. His words doesn't make sense to anyone at home now, he changes his statements every now and then (always abusing us in a rude tone). He got problem with each little issue at home.
He thinks of me as his bank account now. Now, he want me to pay him 50% of my salary each month. But I'm in denial, because I wanna save for some emergency fund, term insurance and health insurance for my family. I can't rely on him and his financial decisions. He still makes stupid financial decisions and loses his hard earned money.
Sorry for sounding rude and unempathatic towards him, but I can't help it. I'm on therapy right now because of the trauma he and his relatives gave me. Everybody at home somehow hates him and feel irritated of his rubbish talks. He's been a good and kind person to everyone else in this world but his own family. All I remember is him physically and verbally abusing us and still not realizing and continuing this behavior till date.
Now, he in a way orders me to go and earn and feed him, take care of him as he is declaring his retirement (self employed) at the age of 49.
I'm mentally f*cked, sometimes it feels like I'm suffering from Social Anhedonia. Always stressed and upset. Can't even focus at work in my office. Final year exams of college are also around the corner. And then I've two younger siblings too, indirectly I'm holding the responsibility of their education and already fulfilling it. My mental health has been like this for more than 2-3 years now. Just surviving this toxic environment at home somehow.
submitted by Party_Wind9452 to delhi [link] [comments]
I [22M] am trying my best to hold myself, and stay strong in life. Fighting each problem with patience and diligence. But now, I'm tired, I'm losing my ability to deal with problems and people now.
My father used to physically abuse me in my childhood, always been bullied in school life because of my effeminacy.
Now, the situation is different. I've started earning a little from my internship. My father lost everything in a debt trap and to toxic relatives. Sold our home and still living on rent with a huge debt. Father never paid attention at home, be it paying our school fees or getting groceries from the market.
He stays always stressed and still never realized what he did to me, my mother and my siblings. He still thinks he's done nothing wrong and speaks rubbish always. I feel irritated now, seems like he's getting mad day by day. His words doesn't make sense to anyone at home now, he changes his statements every now and then (always abusing us in a rude tone). He got problem with each little issue at home.
He thinks of me as his bank account now. Now, he want me to pay him 50% of my salary each month. But I'm in denial, because I wanna save for some emergency fund, term insurance and health insurance for my family. I can't rely on him and his financial decisions. He still makes stupid financial decisions and loses his hard earned money.
Sorry for sounding rude and unempathatic towards him, but I can't help it. I'm on therapy right now because of the trauma he and his relatives gave me. Everybody at home somehow hates him and feel irritated of his rubbish talks. He's been a good and kind person to everyone else in this world but his own family. All I remember is him physically and verbally abusing us and still not realizing and continuing this behavior till date.
Now, he in a way orders me to go and earn and feed him, take care of him as he is declaring his retirement (self employed) at the age of 49.
I'm mentally f*cked, sometimes it feels like I'm suffering from Social Anhedonia. Always stressed and upset. Can't even focus at work in my office. Final year exams of college are also around the corner. And then I've two younger siblings too, indirectly I'm holding the responsibility of their education and already fulfilling it. My mental health has been like this for more than 2-3 years now. Just surviving this toxic environment at home somehow.
2023.06.09 19:43 whateverandever2222 How to quit my job that has me in golden handcuffs?
I make really good money for what I do, to the tune of about 30% more than I could get doing just about anything else I'm qualified for. I also have incredibly flexible work hours and an awesome benefit package. I'm trying to aggressively save and figure I have at least another 1 to 2 years before I'm super good financially. Lately though, the past few months...I'm just really discontent and unhappy. A lot of it has to do with my location as I'm stuck in small town (my employer is the only good one) and I dislike most of the locals and the small town stuff here. My job is super stressful too, and although technically easy just very draining on me mentally and emotionally.
I'm afraid to take a chance and do something else because I tried that last year and failed and came running back to this job. I don't think it's likely I could do that again but this job and this town are definitely sucking the life out of me...I'm starting to feel like I'm serving time instead of living my life.
Anybody else experience this and how do I get the courage to try and restart? Or would I be stupid to give up such a good paying job? I just wonder, when do i start living my life and start taking some chances instead of trying to play it safe to some magical number grinding away like this...
submitted by whateverandever2222 to careeradvice [link] [comments]
I'm afraid to take a chance and do something else because I tried that last year and failed and came running back to this job. I don't think it's likely I could do that again but this job and this town are definitely sucking the life out of me...I'm starting to feel like I'm serving time instead of living my life.
Anybody else experience this and how do I get the courage to try and restart? Or would I be stupid to give up such a good paying job? I just wonder, when do i start living my life and start taking some chances instead of trying to play it safe to some magical number grinding away like this...
2023.06.09 19:42 groggytulip i am lost
i don’t know where to begin.
i (22) met my bf (25) in early january. the year before i had just gotten out of a high school sweetheart type relationship and it was very messy. i stayed single but was hooking up with a guy and basically dating but it didn’t work out. come the new year i meet my now boyfriend. we got along great, and seemed to build a strong connection. i was teetering on and off on the idea of anything serious but he pushed for it. i eventually agreed we should date as we had been doing everything romantic anyway. before making it official i could tell he had an issue with alcohol as one of the first few weeks he began slurring his words at the end of our evenings. i saw past this and knew he had a good heart so i stuck through. i myself had my own issues with communication and past relationship/ life trauma. we both weren’t perfect. a month or two in we got in a heated argument and i pounded at his chest and it happened on 2 occasions. i did regret it, he called me out and i apologized. throughout drunken arguments of not understanding each other some shit has happened. a mixture of dysfunction and a lot of disrespect. he has dealt with an overwhelming amount of trauma in his life. prior to meeting me he was sober for almost a year and it broke a few months before our relationship and it’s gotten a lot worse. there have been situations where he’s felt unloved and disrespected by me so he acts out horribly over it. there’s been instances where i’ve felt i have been sa’d, to which he’s never fully admitted to. i do not lie. we had a big fight one night and he lit a cigarette in my shared home (wasted) and i threw them out the door and it got very physical. he threatened my life and i know he’s full of shit but it was bad. at one point i was locked out of my home while he raged around and when i came back in it was nothing but a degrading mess. the next morning he comes to and tries to be sweet but i remind him of what happened and he said some gnarly shit like “i must really hate you then huh” and we exchange words and he even ends up slapping me across the face. a day passes and we made up but he keeps bringing up the bruises on his ribs how he can’t walk this and that but i had to throw him to the ground. he even took pictures. he was wasted and kept attacking me in a chokehold. that was the big one and we had a few more altercations that never got more physical then maybe a push or nudge. he has this close relationship with his mother who is a lovely person but they hover in each other’s lives. you should sit in a room with them, they go back and forth about whatever topic and sometimes it goes south sometimes it is calm but they’re both just talking a lot. anyway, he lives with her so it’s more than a usual closeness. i’ve heard him talk about our relationship to her over and over again. it makes me uncomfortable and i’ve expressed it to him. sort of an issue but i’ve walked into the house hearing him repeat our text conversations and that itself caused fury. he tells her everything from his perspective, not saying he is always lying but it’s his pov. and i wont come close to doing any of that because i don’t want my boyfriends mother to be part of our issues. i didn’t even tell my best friend i was getting cheated on during my last relationship until after it ended. once his mother even came at me saying “read the texts” calling me out on my toxic behaviors and i can admit to being shitty but the stress is overwhelming and will bring out the ugly. anyway agreed to keep her out of it as much as we can. the reason i’m sharing this is because last night was a wreck. he finally called his doctor to get him the medication to help him stop drinking alcohol. all this after having a fight in the morning and i expressed its hard for me to want to do better for him and every night he ends up wasted and not himself. we were out and about and he saw an old friend, got into a long conversation about doing an event for the community this and that. i had a great time and expressed that but it was very late and after half an hour expressed hunger and that places are closing. he already has a relationship with this guy and his e-mail and knows where he works. so i can understand 30 minutes but this was unplanned and we stay for over an hour and we were gifted one shot, then after i expressed hey maybe we should go he says sure but takes another shot. we finally get to going and we’re laughing leaving everything is okay. i poked at how i felt he didn’t consider me much when i was being mindful of the time and he got kind of an attitude. gets out of the car to smoke and a dude tries to approach him causing problems. he gets back in the car and we rush off but we’re a safe distance away and he keeps hitting full gas over really high speed humps and i yell at him. he doesn’t listen and my car had just recently had issues and i didn’t want more. so i’m eating half of this sandwich and i get angry and threw it at his face. fucked up i know. he threw it back at me and pulls over and shoves my keys at my side and proceeds to hit me. i start to hit back and all my shit goes flying into bushes this and that. he gave me 3-4 bloody noses and i left a bruised knot on his forehead. those are only the scars. he proceeded to make me look for the keys saying he’s in pain and i’m trying to get all this blood off me. once i found them he threw me to the ground and drove away. leaving me a 5 minute walk from the dude he was trying to “save us” from. he doesn’t go far and i get in the car, he hits me again and we leave. we cry talk and drive back to his house but i don’t want to go in like that seeing his mother. so i sit out there for a while and he’s in there getting more wasted. i finally step into the garage and he doesn’t look right. we start fighting and he gets close so i got closer and he kissed me. it freaked me out so i bit his lip, he proceeds to smack me. i honestly believe he strategically does it so he doesn’t bruise or leave any obvious marks. because he likes to take pictures of what i have left and has this idea i am going to run off and frame him as an abuser when “it’s me”. after making my nose bleed his mother comes out and says something about a two way street. not in a bad way. then she calls me out for trying to seem like a victim and tells me i like to hit and how women will do this to men and run off crying victim. this really offended me, i have never been that kind of person. if anything it’s a problem and i should talk about my traumas more. everyone is heated and he yells at me asking why i even threw the sandwich this and that. after some time everyone cooks down and his mother apologized and im kind of unresponsive due to shock. we shared a few good words then everyone went to sleep. i guess i’m lost in the sense where i want to see him sober and be the good person i know he can be. i do think there is genuine love, just a lot of pain trauma and honestly immaturity. needed to let it out. i’m tired.
submitted by groggytulip to offmychest [link] [comments]
i (22) met my bf (25) in early january. the year before i had just gotten out of a high school sweetheart type relationship and it was very messy. i stayed single but was hooking up with a guy and basically dating but it didn’t work out. come the new year i meet my now boyfriend. we got along great, and seemed to build a strong connection. i was teetering on and off on the idea of anything serious but he pushed for it. i eventually agreed we should date as we had been doing everything romantic anyway. before making it official i could tell he had an issue with alcohol as one of the first few weeks he began slurring his words at the end of our evenings. i saw past this and knew he had a good heart so i stuck through. i myself had my own issues with communication and past relationship/ life trauma. we both weren’t perfect. a month or two in we got in a heated argument and i pounded at his chest and it happened on 2 occasions. i did regret it, he called me out and i apologized. throughout drunken arguments of not understanding each other some shit has happened. a mixture of dysfunction and a lot of disrespect. he has dealt with an overwhelming amount of trauma in his life. prior to meeting me he was sober for almost a year and it broke a few months before our relationship and it’s gotten a lot worse. there have been situations where he’s felt unloved and disrespected by me so he acts out horribly over it. there’s been instances where i’ve felt i have been sa’d, to which he’s never fully admitted to. i do not lie. we had a big fight one night and he lit a cigarette in my shared home (wasted) and i threw them out the door and it got very physical. he threatened my life and i know he’s full of shit but it was bad. at one point i was locked out of my home while he raged around and when i came back in it was nothing but a degrading mess. the next morning he comes to and tries to be sweet but i remind him of what happened and he said some gnarly shit like “i must really hate you then huh” and we exchange words and he even ends up slapping me across the face. a day passes and we made up but he keeps bringing up the bruises on his ribs how he can’t walk this and that but i had to throw him to the ground. he even took pictures. he was wasted and kept attacking me in a chokehold. that was the big one and we had a few more altercations that never got more physical then maybe a push or nudge. he has this close relationship with his mother who is a lovely person but they hover in each other’s lives. you should sit in a room with them, they go back and forth about whatever topic and sometimes it goes south sometimes it is calm but they’re both just talking a lot. anyway, he lives with her so it’s more than a usual closeness. i’ve heard him talk about our relationship to her over and over again. it makes me uncomfortable and i’ve expressed it to him. sort of an issue but i’ve walked into the house hearing him repeat our text conversations and that itself caused fury. he tells her everything from his perspective, not saying he is always lying but it’s his pov. and i wont come close to doing any of that because i don’t want my boyfriends mother to be part of our issues. i didn’t even tell my best friend i was getting cheated on during my last relationship until after it ended. once his mother even came at me saying “read the texts” calling me out on my toxic behaviors and i can admit to being shitty but the stress is overwhelming and will bring out the ugly. anyway agreed to keep her out of it as much as we can. the reason i’m sharing this is because last night was a wreck. he finally called his doctor to get him the medication to help him stop drinking alcohol. all this after having a fight in the morning and i expressed its hard for me to want to do better for him and every night he ends up wasted and not himself. we were out and about and he saw an old friend, got into a long conversation about doing an event for the community this and that. i had a great time and expressed that but it was very late and after half an hour expressed hunger and that places are closing. he already has a relationship with this guy and his e-mail and knows where he works. so i can understand 30 minutes but this was unplanned and we stay for over an hour and we were gifted one shot, then after i expressed hey maybe we should go he says sure but takes another shot. we finally get to going and we’re laughing leaving everything is okay. i poked at how i felt he didn’t consider me much when i was being mindful of the time and he got kind of an attitude. gets out of the car to smoke and a dude tries to approach him causing problems. he gets back in the car and we rush off but we’re a safe distance away and he keeps hitting full gas over really high speed humps and i yell at him. he doesn’t listen and my car had just recently had issues and i didn’t want more. so i’m eating half of this sandwich and i get angry and threw it at his face. fucked up i know. he threw it back at me and pulls over and shoves my keys at my side and proceeds to hit me. i start to hit back and all my shit goes flying into bushes this and that. he gave me 3-4 bloody noses and i left a bruised knot on his forehead. those are only the scars. he proceeded to make me look for the keys saying he’s in pain and i’m trying to get all this blood off me. once i found them he threw me to the ground and drove away. leaving me a 5 minute walk from the dude he was trying to “save us” from. he doesn’t go far and i get in the car, he hits me again and we leave. we cry talk and drive back to his house but i don’t want to go in like that seeing his mother. so i sit out there for a while and he’s in there getting more wasted. i finally step into the garage and he doesn’t look right. we start fighting and he gets close so i got closer and he kissed me. it freaked me out so i bit his lip, he proceeds to smack me. i honestly believe he strategically does it so he doesn’t bruise or leave any obvious marks. because he likes to take pictures of what i have left and has this idea i am going to run off and frame him as an abuser when “it’s me”. after making my nose bleed his mother comes out and says something about a two way street. not in a bad way. then she calls me out for trying to seem like a victim and tells me i like to hit and how women will do this to men and run off crying victim. this really offended me, i have never been that kind of person. if anything it’s a problem and i should talk about my traumas more. everyone is heated and he yells at me asking why i even threw the sandwich this and that. after some time everyone cooks down and his mother apologized and im kind of unresponsive due to shock. we shared a few good words then everyone went to sleep. i guess i’m lost in the sense where i want to see him sober and be the good person i know he can be. i do think there is genuine love, just a lot of pain trauma and honestly immaturity. needed to let it out. i’m tired.
2023.06.09 19:40 andrewgg98 [WTS]/[WTT] Spyderco Exclusive's and Sprint's! + EMPEDC, ZT, and More!
Hey all! Looking to off-load some of my Spyderco collection along with some others! Just getting to be a bit too much and a don't carry these anymore. Payment via PayPal F&F, no notes, and will ship via USPS, lower 48 only! YOLO trumps chat. Mainly looking to sell right now, the only trade I'd be interested in right now is for a REC Shaman or a St. Nick's Shaman.
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ZT 0562CF in Satin 20CV - SV: $125 SOLD for $125
Got this one a bit back on the swap here. This thing is an amazing user. Has been sharpened a few times by the original owner and most definitely carried. The blue anodizing was done by USA Made Blade. Indentation from hardness testing, sample tested at 61 HRC. I did disassemble it when I first got it to clean it. So, it has been deep cleaned and the pivot oiled, action is buttery smooth. Centering is perfect. Got this thing for a great deal so just want to pass that on. No box on this one.
Benchmade Bugout Aircraft Aluminum in DLC M390 - SV: $140 RETRACTED
Benchmade Osborne 940 BladeHQ Exclusive in DLC M4 - SV: $155
Blade HQ exclusive right here. It is still available on their website, but if you're looking to save a good amount on a mint example then look no further. Previous owner carried it twice and only cut paper. I never ended up carrying it myself. Drop shut action, centered blade, smooth engagement. No marks, just a little tiny smudge in the DLC, shown in the video. It's barely noticeable. Also does come with a deep carry clip, cannot confirm the brand, but looks like MXG. No box or papers on this one.
EMPEDC Nymble-T in Satin M390 - SV: $240
Picked this thing up here on the swap a bit ago. I'm the third owner, previous owners did carry it, I did not, and they babied this thing. Still has a super sharp factory edge on it. Only visible marks on this knife are on the pocket clip, nothing on the scales or blade. Only reason I'm letting this go is because it's a bit too small for my liking. DOB is July 2022, 1st Run. Comes with case, COA, cloth, and stickers.
Chris Reeve Knives Large Inkosi Tanto in S35VN - SV: $375 / TV: $390
Picked this up not too long ago here off the swap. I wanted to try out my first Chris Reeve knife and I was not disappointed. This thing is an absolute elegant tank. This one in particular is definitely a user. I'm at least the third owner. Snails on both sides of the blade. Blade was sharpened to a mirror edge by one of the previous owners. Has an aftermarket clip, unsure of the brand. Blue anodization is a bit worn off the thumb studs. Missing some of the goodies that it normally comes with in the box like; no grease, loctite, or Allen keys. DOB: 12/23/2019. Just trying to get back exactly what I payed for it.
Now for the Spyderco's
Spyderco Tenacious in Satin 8CR13MOV - SV: $60 RETRACTED
Spyderco Stretch 2 Ivory Sprint Run in Satin VG-10 - SV: $115
As the title says, this is the Sprint Run version with Ivory scales. Scales are in great condition and are very clean. These are a rit-dyers dream I imagine. Blade appears to have been used by previous owner and has some scratches. Also comes with RGT titanium clip. When I received this, the body screws and pivot screw were all reversed, and I'm weird so it bugged me a shit ton. I took it apart (worst idea ever), cleaned everything inside, and got it all back together with the screws in the right orientation. I would NEVER advise taking this thing apart again, I'm really good with Spyderco disassemblies, but this was a monster. It's been deep cleaned and oiled well so shouldn't need to be taken apart anyways. Oh and the action is amazing. Got this for a steal so just looking to get back what I payed for it and cover the shipping, Comes with box and papers.
Spyderco Stretch 2 in Satin K390 - SV: $120
Had this one for a while now. I honestly favorite it over my PM2 quite a bit, the length and shape are very similar. This has definitely been used, there is also quite a bit of patina on it. However, the edge is incredibly sharp. I have only carried it a handful of times myself. Lock-back is super sturdy. Tons of life left in this user. Small little scuff on the pocket clip. Comes with box and papers.
Spyderco Worker Sprint Run Green G10 in Satin VG-10 - SV: $120
Has remained in the box since I got it a few months ago. I am the third owner. Previous owner did carry it and use it but it has not been sharpened nor disassembled. Green G10 scales show very very light use, with almost no visible wear on the blade. Very solid lock-back, riding between liners. Slightly off-centered I think, as most lock-back Spyderco's are. Feel like these don't pop up very often. Comes with box.
Spyderco Para 3 Bento Box Exclusive in Satin M390 - SV: $165 SOLD for $150
Got this one off the swap for a deal so it was an impulse buy. I'm trying to move away from Para 3's but I just couldn't pass it up, but its time to pass it along for someone to enjoy. I am the second owner. Original owner put a 17 DPS 4000K mirror edge on it with a KME. It has been used since then. Action is very smooth with a slightly weak detent in my opinion. Comes with a Lynch clip for the Para 3. Comes with box, papers, sticker, and original clip.
Spyderco Para 3 Cutlery Shoppe Exclusive in Satin XHP - SV: $165
Got this one a while ago during my big Para 3 phase. Really nice example. Has been carried and used. I'm at least the second owner. Centering is dead on, action is great, drop-shut. Small amount of tiny scratches on both sides of the blade. It does have a mirror edge on it right now from the previous owner. Scales are in great condition. Comes with box and papers.
Spyderco Paramilitary 2 Tanto in Satin S30V - SV: $280 SOLD for $280
Acquired this tanto quite some time ago, but I only carried it once. If the previous owner carried it at all, you can't really tell. It's in amazing condition. I threw on some RGT titanium dark stonewash honeycomb scales. Also added a blue timascus deep carry clip from Lynch. I think it's a really subtle but nice pop of color. Centering is dead on, no rubbing. Ever so tiny scratch on the show side of the blade, it's so minuscule that I don't know if the camera will pick it up, but I'll try to show it. Action is flawless and just buttery smooth. No lock-stick. I would be willing to sell the scales and knife separate, but ONLY if I find a buyer for the scales FIRST. I don't want to be stuck with the scales if the knife sells lol, I only bought them for this knife and have no use for them on a different PM2. Got the scales for $110 here off the swap so I'd let them go for $90? Also want to add that there is currently no lanyard plug/hole in the knife right now. I could never decide on a color I wanted to put in, so it just remained like this, but it's honestly fine if you don't run lanyards anyways. Saves on weight and it don't need it anyways because of the scales, there is no flex down on the bottom part of the knife. The titanium is super sturdy on its own. However, I'll throw in a lanyard tube if you want one, it'll be a random basic satin one. And yes, I know that I might have a better chance of parting this thing out cause Spyderco's don't hold their value too well when it comes to modifying, I've had to do that once already. Im hoping the tanto effect will draw someone in. Comes with box and papers.
submitted by andrewgg98 to Knife_Swap [link] [comments]
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Timestamp
Benchmade Osborne 940 BladeHQ Exclusive in DLC M4 - SV: $155
Blade HQ exclusive right here. It is still available on their website, but if you're looking to save a good amount on a mint example then look no further. Previous owner carried it twice and only cut paper. I never ended up carrying it myself. Drop shut action, centered blade, smooth engagement. No marks, just a little tiny smudge in the DLC, shown in the video. It's barely noticeable. Also does come with a deep carry clip, cannot confirm the brand, but looks like MXG. No box or papers on this one.
EMPEDC Nymble-T in Satin M390 - SV: $240
Picked this thing up here on the swap a bit ago. I'm the third owner, previous owners did carry it, I did not, and they babied this thing. Still has a super sharp factory edge on it. Only visible marks on this knife are on the pocket clip, nothing on the scales or blade. Only reason I'm letting this go is because it's a bit too small for my liking. DOB is July 2022, 1st Run. Comes with case, COA, cloth, and stickers.
Chris Reeve Knives Large Inkosi Tanto in S35VN - SV: $375 / TV: $390
Picked this up not too long ago here off the swap. I wanted to try out my first Chris Reeve knife and I was not disappointed. This thing is an absolute elegant tank. This one in particular is definitely a user. I'm at least the third owner. Snails on both sides of the blade. Blade was sharpened to a mirror edge by one of the previous owners. Has an aftermarket clip, unsure of the brand. Blue anodization is a bit worn off the thumb studs. Missing some of the goodies that it normally comes with in the box like; no grease, loctite, or Allen keys. DOB: 12/23/2019. Just trying to get back exactly what I payed for it.
Now for the Spyderco's
Spyderco Stretch 2 Ivory Sprint Run in Satin VG-10 - SV: $115
As the title says, this is the Sprint Run version with Ivory scales. Scales are in great condition and are very clean. These are a rit-dyers dream I imagine. Blade appears to have been used by previous owner and has some scratches. Also comes with RGT titanium clip. When I received this, the body screws and pivot screw were all reversed, and I'm weird so it bugged me a shit ton. I took it apart (worst idea ever), cleaned everything inside, and got it all back together with the screws in the right orientation. I would NEVER advise taking this thing apart again, I'm really good with Spyderco disassemblies, but this was a monster. It's been deep cleaned and oiled well so shouldn't need to be taken apart anyways. Oh and the action is amazing. Got this for a steal so just looking to get back what I payed for it and cover the shipping, Comes with box and papers.
Spyderco Stretch 2 in Satin K390 - SV: $120
Had this one for a while now. I honestly favorite it over my PM2 quite a bit, the length and shape are very similar. This has definitely been used, there is also quite a bit of patina on it. However, the edge is incredibly sharp. I have only carried it a handful of times myself. Lock-back is super sturdy. Tons of life left in this user. Small little scuff on the pocket clip. Comes with box and papers.
Spyderco Worker Sprint Run Green G10 in Satin VG-10 - SV: $120
Has remained in the box since I got it a few months ago. I am the third owner. Previous owner did carry it and use it but it has not been sharpened nor disassembled. Green G10 scales show very very light use, with almost no visible wear on the blade. Very solid lock-back, riding between liners. Slightly off-centered I think, as most lock-back Spyderco's are. Feel like these don't pop up very often. Comes with box.
Spyderco Para 3 Cutlery Shoppe Exclusive in Satin XHP - SV: $165
Got this one a while ago during my big Para 3 phase. Really nice example. Has been carried and used. I'm at least the second owner. Centering is dead on, action is great, drop-shut. Small amount of tiny scratches on both sides of the blade. It does have a mirror edge on it right now from the previous owner. Scales are in great condition. Comes with box and papers.
2023.06.09 19:34 allison_vegas Sarah’s now on Birth Control
 | My 2.5 year old Buff Orpington Sarah has had a rough go the last few months. She’s been on death’s door twice since March and we believe it was reproductive in nature… most likely egg yolk peritonitis. After lots of antibiotics, abdomen draining, bloodwork, and shutting her reproductive tract down with Lupron injections we finally got the Supreloren Implant yesterday. Two of them! She seems in good spirits today and I so I hope we are in a maintenance phase now! It’s been so exhausting and stressful and expensive but I gave her my all. I don’t know if I’ll ever go through all that ever again for a bird.. However, it definitely was worth the knowledge I gained about chickens and it’s totally worth seeing her happy doing her chicken thing this morning. I just wanted to share my experience with this in case anyone was curious as there are not a lot of people who go the implant route for their chickens. There wasn’t a whole lot of info on the interwebs about it. The vet who did it for me has only done it for a chicken one other time. Anyway… hope I get to post another happy update down the road 🐓💕 submitted by allison_vegas to BackYardChickens [link] [comments] |
2023.06.09 19:30 helpmeimstrugglin Dismissed from University
Hello. I'm unsure if this is the correct place to post this, but I'm looking for advice and any thoughts are welcome. Hopefully some one has some ideas for me. I honestly feel like an epic failure at this point in my life and I'm not sure how to move forward.
I'm currently 24 years old and I work as a paralegal for a firm, which is more so low level paralegal work, but allows me to work from home, so I am able to save a lot of money. I previously worked as a real estate paralegal, and while I enjoyed that, I wanted to diversify my resume, so I accepted a position at the firm I currently work.
The dilemma is this:
Ever since I was in high school, I really didn't know what I wanted to do for work. I went to college and was at first going to go for engineering, but changed my major to nursing because I hated the idea of being in school for more than 4 years, and I wanted a degree that I could use and make good money at right away. After two years of nursing school (and two years of student loans), I had a mental breakdown and was "invited to go home" or else I would have been sent to a hospital. I was suicidal and depressed for much of my pre-teens and young adult life, and going home was probably the best thing for me.
However, the expectation was that I finish my degree in some way, shape, or form. I started in business, and hated it, then switched to history but didn't know what I'd even use that for, and landed in general studies (again, I have no idea what someone uses this for). The problem was, that I hate school so much that I literally want to just get in my car and drive and keep driving until it's no longer an expectation. Until I'm somewhere where no one is looking to me for the answers, or for extreme success, or for insane ambition.
Growing up, my parents thought I was one of those "Gifted Kids" and had visions of me attending Harvard or other Ivy Leagues. The crushing pressure and expectation led me to be a perfectionist, and feel like a failure no matter what I do. If I could go back, I would try to be a kid, I would try to lower the bar for myself so that others didn't look to me for so much.
I tried enrolling in online school part time after I went back home, I also took some time off from school (for about a year and a half), but I couldn't maintain my interest in any of the course work, and actively hated doing any of it. Enough so that I just wanted to be done with everything.
My school basically gave me an academic dismissal a few weeks ago. And I'm not going to lie, part of me is super relieved. I hate studying, I hate learning, I hate it all.
I'm working, and paying on my student loans. And I enjoy working, honestly. I enjoy making money, helping people, contributing to society, and all of that. I'm disappointed in myself for deciding to go to college in the first place, but at 17 years old, you think you know yourself, and you think you've got the world figured out, but you just don't.
Here is what I do know:
I don't want to be an attorney. I want to pay off my loans. And I won't be able to reattend my university for another 2 years. I don't have a college degree. I'm not sure I even want one. I certainly don't want to take out ANY loans ever again. Some paralegal positions require a bachelor's degree or paralegal certificate (I've looked into an associates paralegal certificate and have thought about doing that, but honestly don't know if I should jump into anything right now). I have a few different marketable skills, and have worked in many different positions--assistant, administrative, paralegal, abstracting, etc.. I'm also really creative, and have just started getting back into that (I used to be very involved with art, but my parents always told me that was a hobby, nothing more). I've also thought about apprenticing to be a tattoo artist--sometimes that can take pretty long, and I'm unsure if that would be something stable enough for me, or if there really is any opportunity for that in my area.
My questions:
Do I tell my parents about this dismissal and suffer their extreme disappointment? Do I find my own place to live and just continue working as I am and wait until I actually know what I want to do, thereby having to restart my degree all over again? Do I try to go for a certificate in another field so that I have some kind of backup?
I feel like I should share all of this with my parents, but I don't know how, and I don't know when. Because of my student loans, they have allowed me to stay with them so that I can pay them off quicker (which I will be done by in about a year and a half if all goes according to plan).
The difficulties I'm having right now are this:
Living independently is expensive. The housing market is egregious and renting is not much better. I'm unsure if I'll even remain in this area, so I don't want to encumber myself w/ a mortgage long term.
My family is expecting that I'll be graduated in a few years. How do I tell them this isn't going to happen? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to face everyone's disappointment. I feel like a huge failure.
Any advice is welcome, I apologize for the unorganized thought processes. The big thing is that I've been academically dismissed from my college and I'm trying to move forward.
submitted by helpmeimstrugglin to Advice [link] [comments]
I'm currently 24 years old and I work as a paralegal for a firm, which is more so low level paralegal work, but allows me to work from home, so I am able to save a lot of money. I previously worked as a real estate paralegal, and while I enjoyed that, I wanted to diversify my resume, so I accepted a position at the firm I currently work.
The dilemma is this:
Ever since I was in high school, I really didn't know what I wanted to do for work. I went to college and was at first going to go for engineering, but changed my major to nursing because I hated the idea of being in school for more than 4 years, and I wanted a degree that I could use and make good money at right away. After two years of nursing school (and two years of student loans), I had a mental breakdown and was "invited to go home" or else I would have been sent to a hospital. I was suicidal and depressed for much of my pre-teens and young adult life, and going home was probably the best thing for me.
However, the expectation was that I finish my degree in some way, shape, or form. I started in business, and hated it, then switched to history but didn't know what I'd even use that for, and landed in general studies (again, I have no idea what someone uses this for). The problem was, that I hate school so much that I literally want to just get in my car and drive and keep driving until it's no longer an expectation. Until I'm somewhere where no one is looking to me for the answers, or for extreme success, or for insane ambition.
Growing up, my parents thought I was one of those "Gifted Kids" and had visions of me attending Harvard or other Ivy Leagues. The crushing pressure and expectation led me to be a perfectionist, and feel like a failure no matter what I do. If I could go back, I would try to be a kid, I would try to lower the bar for myself so that others didn't look to me for so much.
I tried enrolling in online school part time after I went back home, I also took some time off from school (for about a year and a half), but I couldn't maintain my interest in any of the course work, and actively hated doing any of it. Enough so that I just wanted to be done with everything.
My school basically gave me an academic dismissal a few weeks ago. And I'm not going to lie, part of me is super relieved. I hate studying, I hate learning, I hate it all.
I'm working, and paying on my student loans. And I enjoy working, honestly. I enjoy making money, helping people, contributing to society, and all of that. I'm disappointed in myself for deciding to go to college in the first place, but at 17 years old, you think you know yourself, and you think you've got the world figured out, but you just don't.
Here is what I do know:
I don't want to be an attorney. I want to pay off my loans. And I won't be able to reattend my university for another 2 years. I don't have a college degree. I'm not sure I even want one. I certainly don't want to take out ANY loans ever again. Some paralegal positions require a bachelor's degree or paralegal certificate (I've looked into an associates paralegal certificate and have thought about doing that, but honestly don't know if I should jump into anything right now). I have a few different marketable skills, and have worked in many different positions--assistant, administrative, paralegal, abstracting, etc.. I'm also really creative, and have just started getting back into that (I used to be very involved with art, but my parents always told me that was a hobby, nothing more). I've also thought about apprenticing to be a tattoo artist--sometimes that can take pretty long, and I'm unsure if that would be something stable enough for me, or if there really is any opportunity for that in my area.
My questions:
Do I tell my parents about this dismissal and suffer their extreme disappointment? Do I find my own place to live and just continue working as I am and wait until I actually know what I want to do, thereby having to restart my degree all over again? Do I try to go for a certificate in another field so that I have some kind of backup?
I feel like I should share all of this with my parents, but I don't know how, and I don't know when. Because of my student loans, they have allowed me to stay with them so that I can pay them off quicker (which I will be done by in about a year and a half if all goes according to plan).
The difficulties I'm having right now are this:
Living independently is expensive. The housing market is egregious and renting is not much better. I'm unsure if I'll even remain in this area, so I don't want to encumber myself w/ a mortgage long term.
My family is expecting that I'll be graduated in a few years. How do I tell them this isn't going to happen? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to face everyone's disappointment. I feel like a huge failure.
Any advice is welcome, I apologize for the unorganized thought processes. The big thing is that I've been academically dismissed from my college and I'm trying to move forward.
2023.06.09 19:29 Safe-Cap-5532 Maxed credit card limit …..
I’ve had my credit card for approx 1 year now I have a $3000 limit with capital one
I’ve maxed out full limit awhile ago ( transitioning jobs & and have to use my card for alot longer than I would have liked to due to not fully starting till a month after interview . And I put my 2 weeks in prior to interview )
and have been making minimum payments since then
Fast forward in life I’m making $4k a month approx $2k a check
I have a savings of approx $7k
should I take this paycheck ($2100) I just received and pay off my full bill ? And grab $800 out of my savings to contribute to paying the whole card off ?
let me know you guys opinion
I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON 😂
submitted by Safe-Cap-5532 to CreditCards [link] [comments]
I’ve maxed out full limit awhile ago ( transitioning jobs & and have to use my card for alot longer than I would have liked to due to not fully starting till a month after interview . And I put my 2 weeks in prior to interview )
and have been making minimum payments since then
Fast forward in life I’m making $4k a month approx $2k a check
I have a savings of approx $7k
should I take this paycheck ($2100) I just received and pay off my full bill ? And grab $800 out of my savings to contribute to paying the whole card off ?
let me know you guys opinion
I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON 😂
2023.06.09 19:28 dark_triaded_ho I get ANGRY, VIOLENT, and FEROCIOUS when I see how society treats trans kids
Let me tell you my story, so you'll understand why I am so pissed.
I was born in a country where we could barely watch TV. We were under a real dictatorship. I am not talking about 100 years ago. This was a relatively recent thing. Most families in my village didn't have a radio or TV. We had a TV but there was only one channel and most of the content it broadcast was political propaganda. I had NO frame of reference. Nobody ever talked about gays, transsexuals, drag queens, and yet I was 4 and I KNEW I was a girl. We could not have access to the Internet.
I was born with this condition. I am 200% sure of that. Real gender dysphoria is innate and not induced. Nobody had brainwashed me, nobody had groomed me, nobody had indoctrinated me simply because it was impossible to be exposed to anything remotely attributable to LGBTQ. I did not even know it was possible to medically transition. I just knew I was a girl. I knew somehow, some day, I was going to reclaim my real identity. To use a platonic concept, becoming a woman was in the world of ideas.
Then we moved to another country to escape the raging war. I was 9. I was incredibly feminine. Every person around me saw me as girl. My parents were at loss, but by then, they had access to medical resources. God knows how many psychiatrists and psychologists we saw. They all told my parents that it was a phase and it was going to go away. Years went by, and my innate femininity was not going away. If anything, I was becoming angrier and more feminine.
I used to bully the bullies. I remember when I was 14, I was surrounded by a group of thugs who wanted to beat me up for being a f*g. I pulled up the knife I always brought with me and I scared the shit out of them. They were scared of me. Another thug one day tried to attack me and I broke a bottle on his head. Thank god for my aggressive personality. It saved my life. I would have been dead by now. They talked behind my back, but nobody dared to confront me.
I wanted to be normal. I knew I was a girl, but I knew was born a male. I was under no delusion. You know how POS transphobes say that children roleplay and pretend that they are this or that, a dinosaur, a lion? I could easily distinguish roleplay from reality. I knew that when I played with my cousins and we pretended to have a shop, that was just a play. However, I also knew that the way I felt, a girl, was very deep and had many real ramifications.
I WAS NEVER CONFUSED!
I have gone through conversion therapy with pharmacological and psychological modalities. At 14, I had several session of electroconvulsive therapy (this was not in the US), because that would have cured me.
Guess what? Despite the conversion therapy, despite the stigma, despite the ECT, I have fully transitioned and I have never regretted transitioning. IT WAS NOT A FUCKING PHASE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I had my SRS in the US years ago and I couldn't be happier with my results. It has completely resolved my genital dysphoria. But I get fucking angry when I see how society dismisses and trivializes trans kids. I do not want trans kids to endure what I have endured.
All the pain I have endured hasn't made me a better person. I am angry as fuck. I am bitter. I am antisocial (not asocial but antisocial). I have selective empathy. I spend all of my mental and physical energies and all of my resources on animals, but I hate humans. Mind you, I would never hurt a frail old lady who is crossing the street, but I can't feel anything when I see people dying because most people are trash and would discriminate against me. I am, however, devastated whenever I see an animal in pain.
Aside from animals, the only empathy I have for fellow humans is for trans kids. What can I do to help trans kids? I have told my story countless times, but nobody believes me. People need to believe that I regret transitioning. I have been deep stealth for the last few years, but I still work in the background for the trans community. I was even willing to be interviewed for a famous TV SHOW (if they didn't show my face and if they changed my voice), because society wants to believe that this is just a phase, that this is indoctrination, and that every single body who has SRS regrets it. But my story was not interesting for this TV SHOW. They were looking specifically for people who regretted transitioning. Nobody is interested in my story because it contradicts the widespread lies about transition.
submitted by dark_triaded_ho to honesttransgender [link] [comments]
I was born in a country where we could barely watch TV. We were under a real dictatorship. I am not talking about 100 years ago. This was a relatively recent thing. Most families in my village didn't have a radio or TV. We had a TV but there was only one channel and most of the content it broadcast was political propaganda. I had NO frame of reference. Nobody ever talked about gays, transsexuals, drag queens, and yet I was 4 and I KNEW I was a girl. We could not have access to the Internet.
I was born with this condition. I am 200% sure of that. Real gender dysphoria is innate and not induced. Nobody had brainwashed me, nobody had groomed me, nobody had indoctrinated me simply because it was impossible to be exposed to anything remotely attributable to LGBTQ. I did not even know it was possible to medically transition. I just knew I was a girl. I knew somehow, some day, I was going to reclaim my real identity. To use a platonic concept, becoming a woman was in the world of ideas.
Then we moved to another country to escape the raging war. I was 9. I was incredibly feminine. Every person around me saw me as girl. My parents were at loss, but by then, they had access to medical resources. God knows how many psychiatrists and psychologists we saw. They all told my parents that it was a phase and it was going to go away. Years went by, and my innate femininity was not going away. If anything, I was becoming angrier and more feminine.
I used to bully the bullies. I remember when I was 14, I was surrounded by a group of thugs who wanted to beat me up for being a f*g. I pulled up the knife I always brought with me and I scared the shit out of them. They were scared of me. Another thug one day tried to attack me and I broke a bottle on his head. Thank god for my aggressive personality. It saved my life. I would have been dead by now. They talked behind my back, but nobody dared to confront me.
I wanted to be normal. I knew I was a girl, but I knew was born a male. I was under no delusion. You know how POS transphobes say that children roleplay and pretend that they are this or that, a dinosaur, a lion? I could easily distinguish roleplay from reality. I knew that when I played with my cousins and we pretended to have a shop, that was just a play. However, I also knew that the way I felt, a girl, was very deep and had many real ramifications.
I WAS NEVER CONFUSED!
I have gone through conversion therapy with pharmacological and psychological modalities. At 14, I had several session of electroconvulsive therapy (this was not in the US), because that would have cured me.
Guess what? Despite the conversion therapy, despite the stigma, despite the ECT, I have fully transitioned and I have never regretted transitioning. IT WAS NOT A FUCKING PHASE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I had my SRS in the US years ago and I couldn't be happier with my results. It has completely resolved my genital dysphoria. But I get fucking angry when I see how society dismisses and trivializes trans kids. I do not want trans kids to endure what I have endured.
All the pain I have endured hasn't made me a better person. I am angry as fuck. I am bitter. I am antisocial (not asocial but antisocial). I have selective empathy. I spend all of my mental and physical energies and all of my resources on animals, but I hate humans. Mind you, I would never hurt a frail old lady who is crossing the street, but I can't feel anything when I see people dying because most people are trash and would discriminate against me. I am, however, devastated whenever I see an animal in pain.
Aside from animals, the only empathy I have for fellow humans is for trans kids. What can I do to help trans kids? I have told my story countless times, but nobody believes me. People need to believe that I regret transitioning. I have been deep stealth for the last few years, but I still work in the background for the trans community. I was even willing to be interviewed for a famous TV SHOW (if they didn't show my face and if they changed my voice), because society wants to believe that this is just a phase, that this is indoctrination, and that every single body who has SRS regrets it. But my story was not interesting for this TV SHOW. They were looking specifically for people who regretted transitioning. Nobody is interested in my story because it contradicts the widespread lies about transition.
2023.06.09 19:28 cat-eating-a-salad We are shutting down in protest of Reddit's api changes, and will not be reopening even if the decision is overturned.
Reddit's behavior toward the Apollo app developer is disgusting, and you can see more about it on their subreddit (https://www.reddit.com/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/).
I advise anyone seeing this post to screenshot or otherwise save the contents of your saved sections on your profile, download your data, and not just delete your profile but to scrub it clean before deleting by using j0bePowerDeleteSuite (https://github.com/j0be/PowerDeleteSuite).
Posts on reddit have been archived (https://www.makeuseof.com/how-to-see-deleted-reddit-posts/), so you can still access old posts for troubleshooting, download links, info, etc.
Ex-Redditors are flocking to lemmy (https://join-lemmy.org/) and tildes (https://tildes.net/) last I heard. I've joined tildes, and I'm considering trying out lemmy as well.
You can find more of my minecraft texture pack/datapack/mod content on https://www.planetminecraft.com/membeoslypsis/ There is a group on planetminecraft I moderate called The Crafting Table (https://www.planetminecraft.com/group/thecraftingtable/) that is similar to this subreddit in that it curates ideas and cool things to keep you motivated to play and build. It's still fairly new and we could, of course, use new members. I hope to see you all there, as PMC is a much kinder place than Reddit anyway. :)
I will remain on reddit until the end of the month, when Rif Is Fun shuts down (https://www.reddit.com/redditisfun/comments/144gmfq/rif_will_shut_down_on_june_30_2023_in_response_to/), as it has been my only method of using reddit at all. Even though this subreddit didn't get very popular and fell off in terms of use, I'm glad to have had people join and support it. Thank you.
I'll try to add links to the things I referenced here in a bit, as I'm on mobile, so it's difficult to go back and forth for sources. Bear with me. Done, and added some more info below.
Also, apparently there will be an AMA with spez over on reddit so he can answer questions relating to this API change at some point today (June 9th), though they didn't give a time of day. I'm guessing it'll be a bloodbath, so I hope I don't miss it. I haven't seen even one person in favor of the API changes. At best, people just don't realize what's going to happen on June 30th. Here's a summary of what is coming for Reddit as a whole, as I currently understand it.
submitted by cat-eating-a-salad to thecraftingtable [link] [comments]
I advise anyone seeing this post to screenshot or otherwise save the contents of your saved sections on your profile, download your data, and not just delete your profile but to scrub it clean before deleting by using j0bePowerDeleteSuite (https://github.com/j0be/PowerDeleteSuite).
Posts on reddit have been archived (https://www.makeuseof.com/how-to-see-deleted-reddit-posts/), so you can still access old posts for troubleshooting, download links, info, etc.
Do not support Reddit anymore. Don't buy premium, don't buy coins/awards.
I heard you can sell older, high karma accounts on eBay to spammers as revenge for the api change, but something tells me that's probably considered illegal/punishable. So be careful if you choose to go that route.Ex-Redditors are flocking to lemmy (https://join-lemmy.org/) and tildes (https://tildes.net/) last I heard. I've joined tildes, and I'm considering trying out lemmy as well.
You can find more of my minecraft texture pack/datapack/mod content on https://www.planetminecraft.com/membeoslypsis/ There is a group on planetminecraft I moderate called The Crafting Table (https://www.planetminecraft.com/group/thecraftingtable/) that is similar to this subreddit in that it curates ideas and cool things to keep you motivated to play and build. It's still fairly new and we could, of course, use new members. I hope to see you all there, as PMC is a much kinder place than Reddit anyway. :)
I will remain on reddit until the end of the month, when Rif Is Fun shuts down (https://www.reddit.com/redditisfun/comments/144gmfq/rif_will_shut_down_on_june_30_2023_in_response_to/), as it has been my only method of using reddit at all. Even though this subreddit didn't get very popular and fell off in terms of use, I'm glad to have had people join and support it. Thank you.
Also, apparently there will be an AMA with spez over on reddit so he can answer questions relating to this API change at some point today (June 9th), though they didn't give a time of day. I'm guessing it'll be a bloodbath, so I hope I don't miss it. I haven't seen even one person in favor of the API changes. At best, people just don't realize what's going to happen on June 30th. Here's a summary of what is coming for Reddit as a whole, as I currently understand it.
- Due to 3rd party apps being over charged to use Reddit's API, they will be forced to shut down or pay literally millions of dollars per month to Reddit (apps such as Rif Is Fun, ApolloApp, Narwhal, BaconReader, etc, anything other than Reddit's official app)
- 3rd party apps will not be allowed to place ads in their apps to help earn those millions.
- NSFW content will also be restricted on 3rd party apps, but not Reddit or its official app.
- This will cause most moderators (who rely on 3rd party apps for their efficiency and ease) to quit Reddit or struggle to moderate your favorite subreddits, which means...
- This opens the doors for dis/misinformation, spam, bots, trolls, etc that lower the quality of the subreddits they invade.
2023.06.09 19:28 larsie13 my experience at ALERT/STEP/Big Sandy as a non fundie lmao
Long post alert bc I watched SHP and have survivors guilt I guess! As more and more comes out about the ATI/IBLP programs I am so grateful that I had an adult in my life who protected me from the programs, and feel so sad for the other children that didn't. I went to the camp and left thinking "omg, that was a weird 1.5 months" but never had to hear about it again. The other kids were stuck in the cycle forever and went home to it. Breaks my heart :( SO I found my old diary I kept when I was at STEP, had two glasses of white wine and here you go:
I attended STEP+ some of STEP advanced,https://iblp.org/spiritual-enrichment-young-ladies/ sometimes lumped with EXCEL. STEP was the summer-long girl's version of ALERT, at the IBLP/ATI campus in Big Sandy. I went just before the first bits of Duggar news broke, in 2014 if I remember correctly. My best friend at the time invited me to go, and it was presented as a regular "summer camp" to my mom. We had no idea what it was like. My mom was hesitant as there wasn't much info online but I begged to go and she allowed me. I was homeschooled but not fundie at all so it was an enormous culture shock. I was constantly told I was too headstrong, not meek and mild, and lacked "first time obedience". I was told I was "not a mercy-giver" as I wasn't helpful enough. They never said it in a mean way and were always very sweet as they said it.
At Big Sandy there was some effort to teach us real skills, like getting to rock climb, going on camp-outs, how to change a tire or do CPR and some fun kayaking and crafts but also lots of culty things. Most of the girls seemed to enjoy it, have signed up willingly, and viewed it as a fun summer camp/break from caring for their younger siblings, but there were some who were more rebellious and talked about running away, or who had come with friends and had no idea it would be like this. Michelle Duggar spoke briefly to us girls via video chat at one point before a sermon, with a long, boring story about how as a child she once stole $20 from a woman and how we all are sinful, even young people like us. They also came in their big white bus to pick up a Duggar boy (who shall not be named as they were exploited enough already)and we hid on the porch and watched his shoulders sag and say, "Y'all are sure?" when they told him they had come to surprise him and tell him they were expecting another baby. We did not interact with the boys at all except for kitchen duty, some guest speakers, and church, but I remember once in the kitchen he mentioned that he would rather be at ALERT than at home when some of us were talking about missing home. :'(.
The teen leaders (unpaid, mostly sweet, older teen girls, including some of the Bates girls) had us "confess" sins to each other and our leaders weekly. I don't blame the teen leaders as they were getting just as brainwashed as we were. Almost all of them were very kind but there were a few (not from the "famous fundie families")who took great pleasure in being "drill instructors" and waking us up/yelling at us/ being more like the ALERT leaders. I remember girls confessing very deep things that could have harmed themselves/others and no one being equipped to do anything about it/no mental health professionals. We did a "rapture" experience where we were woken up in the middle of the night, blindfolded with our hands on each other's shoulders and led through a dark room while people screamed at us and we were lightly hit with pool noodles which seemed scary when you can't see what's going on. I got in trouble for talking back and telling them to stop after a girl had a panic attack. I started yelling back and told them it was psychological warfare and that we were just kids and they said they were preparing us for the "real apocalypse war" which just scared everyone even more.
There were lots of lectures on how to be a a good help-meet, how to set a table, cook , sew, etc. We did also learn how to change tires, do basic drywall and plumbing, and pluck and clean chickens. The Alert boys killed goats, girls killed chickens. A girl cried and said she didn't want to do it and an Alert boy was screamed at by higher-ups for killing the chicken for her instead of making her do it. Most of these classes were taught by kids a little older than us that for some reason were working for ATI instead of in college. We had a lecture on dressing more feminine and were told long necklaces were a sin because they drew the eye to our chest. Eye-traps were a huge thing. I couldn't believe it when I heard that in the documentary again. When I told the other girls I regularly wore swimsuits and went swimming without t-shirts over them there was a collective gasp. When we played soccer they sent the ALERT boys inside so they wouldn't see us in exercise clothes. Just so much emphasis on keeping covered and hidden. My best friend and I got in trouble for talking about popular culture, especially popular music at the time like Justin Bieber and One Direction. During movie nights we only got to watch pre-approved, older movies usually with a patriotic/family theme or message. Follow Me Boys and episodes of the Andy Griffith Tv show were favorites. Writing letters to your future husband was another big "quiet time" activity. I wrote Dear Niall Horan and got yelled at. :)
Every day except Sunday we woke up at 4 am and read the Bible/did devotions, then ran two miles, did calisthenics, and obstacle courses. It wasn't as paramilitary as ALERT but we had room inspections, had KP and had to clean the IBLP campus ( the ALERT boys did help us). The kitchens were ran by older homeschooled girls, some of them from my circle, who had been sent there to work/board for free in the hopes of meeting and marrying an ALERT boy. The ALERT boys had it tougher than we did. I remember them working out a lot, having to "deploy" to find a lost elderly man in a town nearby, taking flight and diving lessons, and them just standing in formation and saluting Col. Tanner who ran ALERT and mainly just drove around in a Jeep. We had to fast on Sundays, which was a bad idea as myself and most of the girls were severely underweight, scrawny teens. We had a love/hate relationship with Sundays. No food until 5pm and all-day sermons on Sunday, but we loooved going to church because we got to see the QUEST and ALERT boys! sitting on the other side of the room. We really thought they were something in those dumb uniforms, y'all. If you've ever been to a homeschool conference and seen them smugly guarding the doors you know how funny it is.
The scary part is I started out thinking "this is insane, nothing like a summer camp, I should call Mom to come get me" but then I began to really believe them -that I WAS bad and rebellious, that I had been raised too secular, that I should be more submissive and meek, etc. Plus I felt guilty leaving my new friends that I had made.
My mom did some research on her own about the programs while I was there and freaked out after finding out about the Bill Gothard ties. This was just as things were beginning to come out online. She came to get me weeks early, saying I was never going back. I can remember her politely but firmly explaining to the employees and teen interns how bad the programs were and how their beliefs needed to be better advertised on the website so people wouldn't accidentally sign up thinking it was a "normal camp". She took me out of a church youth group when I said it was starting to sound similar to IBLP. She also removed me from the Before You Meet Prince Charming Bible study group all my homeschooled friends had signed up for, which is a very fundie "courtship based" group. I was a very young teen at the time and was totally brainwashed and so impressionable. I told my mom I wanted to start wearing skirts so I didn't distract guys, etc. I thought I was going to Hell for having read Wattpad and thinking Justin Bieber was cute. She instantly started working through this with me, offered to take me to therapy, and helped de-IBLP my faith. To think that all of this was fit into a two month summer camp (that I only went to a month and a half of ) is insane. I can only imagine how indoctrinated the poor kids that were raised in this program were.
Looking back I'm so thankful she realized how dangerous that ideology was. The Duggar news broke just a few months after that. After I left for college my mom joined a new supposedly non denom homeschool group with my younger siblings. Even then, around 2018, with the news about the Duggars fully out there, there were other homeschooling moms(one who y'all know well "m is for mildfundie") who reprimanded my mom for speaking out against harmful "just quietly endure suffering" beliefs that are so prevalent in homeschool Christian circles and for recommending therapy to ex-fundies.
Posting because I also feel a little bit of survivor's guilt I guess - out of all the girls in my "team" at STEP and the guys I knew that were sent to ALERT I am one of only 3 that "made it out" and went to college instead of instantly starting a very large family. It's all so clear now how dangerous the programs were but at the time I thought my mom was over-reacting. I can see how they prey on easily impressionable, uneducated adults and then groom children. It's horrifying.
Side note: most of the STEP staff moved over to P31/Uncommon Endeavors, which supposedly is less culty but who knows. I would hope that it's more focused on the camping and outdoors aspect and less on the "are you a giver? a prophet? a helpmeet?" type stuff.
submitted by larsie13 to DuggarsSnark [link] [comments]
I attended STEP+ some of STEP advanced,https://iblp.org/spiritual-enrichment-young-ladies/ sometimes lumped with EXCEL. STEP was the summer-long girl's version of ALERT, at the IBLP/ATI campus in Big Sandy. I went just before the first bits of Duggar news broke, in 2014 if I remember correctly. My best friend at the time invited me to go, and it was presented as a regular "summer camp" to my mom. We had no idea what it was like. My mom was hesitant as there wasn't much info online but I begged to go and she allowed me. I was homeschooled but not fundie at all so it was an enormous culture shock. I was constantly told I was too headstrong, not meek and mild, and lacked "first time obedience". I was told I was "not a mercy-giver" as I wasn't helpful enough. They never said it in a mean way and were always very sweet as they said it.
At Big Sandy there was some effort to teach us real skills, like getting to rock climb, going on camp-outs, how to change a tire or do CPR and some fun kayaking and crafts but also lots of culty things. Most of the girls seemed to enjoy it, have signed up willingly, and viewed it as a fun summer camp/break from caring for their younger siblings, but there were some who were more rebellious and talked about running away, or who had come with friends and had no idea it would be like this. Michelle Duggar spoke briefly to us girls via video chat at one point before a sermon, with a long, boring story about how as a child she once stole $20 from a woman and how we all are sinful, even young people like us. They also came in their big white bus to pick up a Duggar boy (who shall not be named as they were exploited enough already)and we hid on the porch and watched his shoulders sag and say, "Y'all are sure?" when they told him they had come to surprise him and tell him they were expecting another baby. We did not interact with the boys at all except for kitchen duty, some guest speakers, and church, but I remember once in the kitchen he mentioned that he would rather be at ALERT than at home when some of us were talking about missing home. :'(.
The teen leaders (unpaid, mostly sweet, older teen girls, including some of the Bates girls) had us "confess" sins to each other and our leaders weekly. I don't blame the teen leaders as they were getting just as brainwashed as we were. Almost all of them were very kind but there were a few (not from the "famous fundie families")who took great pleasure in being "drill instructors" and waking us up/yelling at us/ being more like the ALERT leaders. I remember girls confessing very deep things that could have harmed themselves/others and no one being equipped to do anything about it/no mental health professionals. We did a "rapture" experience where we were woken up in the middle of the night, blindfolded with our hands on each other's shoulders and led through a dark room while people screamed at us and we were lightly hit with pool noodles which seemed scary when you can't see what's going on. I got in trouble for talking back and telling them to stop after a girl had a panic attack. I started yelling back and told them it was psychological warfare and that we were just kids and they said they were preparing us for the "real apocalypse war" which just scared everyone even more.
There were lots of lectures on how to be a a good help-meet, how to set a table, cook , sew, etc. We did also learn how to change tires, do basic drywall and plumbing, and pluck and clean chickens. The Alert boys killed goats, girls killed chickens. A girl cried and said she didn't want to do it and an Alert boy was screamed at by higher-ups for killing the chicken for her instead of making her do it. Most of these classes were taught by kids a little older than us that for some reason were working for ATI instead of in college. We had a lecture on dressing more feminine and were told long necklaces were a sin because they drew the eye to our chest. Eye-traps were a huge thing. I couldn't believe it when I heard that in the documentary again. When I told the other girls I regularly wore swimsuits and went swimming without t-shirts over them there was a collective gasp. When we played soccer they sent the ALERT boys inside so they wouldn't see us in exercise clothes. Just so much emphasis on keeping covered and hidden. My best friend and I got in trouble for talking about popular culture, especially popular music at the time like Justin Bieber and One Direction. During movie nights we only got to watch pre-approved, older movies usually with a patriotic/family theme or message. Follow Me Boys and episodes of the Andy Griffith Tv show were favorites. Writing letters to your future husband was another big "quiet time" activity. I wrote Dear Niall Horan and got yelled at. :)
Every day except Sunday we woke up at 4 am and read the Bible/did devotions, then ran two miles, did calisthenics, and obstacle courses. It wasn't as paramilitary as ALERT but we had room inspections, had KP and had to clean the IBLP campus ( the ALERT boys did help us). The kitchens were ran by older homeschooled girls, some of them from my circle, who had been sent there to work/board for free in the hopes of meeting and marrying an ALERT boy. The ALERT boys had it tougher than we did. I remember them working out a lot, having to "deploy" to find a lost elderly man in a town nearby, taking flight and diving lessons, and them just standing in formation and saluting Col. Tanner who ran ALERT and mainly just drove around in a Jeep. We had to fast on Sundays, which was a bad idea as myself and most of the girls were severely underweight, scrawny teens. We had a love/hate relationship with Sundays. No food until 5pm and all-day sermons on Sunday, but we loooved going to church because we got to see the QUEST and ALERT boys! sitting on the other side of the room. We really thought they were something in those dumb uniforms, y'all. If you've ever been to a homeschool conference and seen them smugly guarding the doors you know how funny it is.
The scary part is I started out thinking "this is insane, nothing like a summer camp, I should call Mom to come get me" but then I began to really believe them -that I WAS bad and rebellious, that I had been raised too secular, that I should be more submissive and meek, etc. Plus I felt guilty leaving my new friends that I had made.
My mom did some research on her own about the programs while I was there and freaked out after finding out about the Bill Gothard ties. This was just as things were beginning to come out online. She came to get me weeks early, saying I was never going back. I can remember her politely but firmly explaining to the employees and teen interns how bad the programs were and how their beliefs needed to be better advertised on the website so people wouldn't accidentally sign up thinking it was a "normal camp". She took me out of a church youth group when I said it was starting to sound similar to IBLP. She also removed me from the Before You Meet Prince Charming Bible study group all my homeschooled friends had signed up for, which is a very fundie "courtship based" group. I was a very young teen at the time and was totally brainwashed and so impressionable. I told my mom I wanted to start wearing skirts so I didn't distract guys, etc. I thought I was going to Hell for having read Wattpad and thinking Justin Bieber was cute. She instantly started working through this with me, offered to take me to therapy, and helped de-IBLP my faith. To think that all of this was fit into a two month summer camp (that I only went to a month and a half of ) is insane. I can only imagine how indoctrinated the poor kids that were raised in this program were.
Looking back I'm so thankful she realized how dangerous that ideology was. The Duggar news broke just a few months after that. After I left for college my mom joined a new supposedly non denom homeschool group with my younger siblings. Even then, around 2018, with the news about the Duggars fully out there, there were other homeschooling moms
Posting because I also feel a little bit of survivor's guilt I guess - out of all the girls in my "team" at STEP and the guys I knew that were sent to ALERT I am one of only 3 that "made it out" and went to college instead of instantly starting a very large family. It's all so clear now how dangerous the programs were but at the time I thought my mom was over-reacting. I can see how they prey on easily impressionable, uneducated adults and then groom children. It's horrifying.
Side note: most of the STEP staff moved over to P31/Uncommon Endeavors, which supposedly is less culty but who knows. I would hope that it's more focused on the camping and outdoors aspect and less on the "are you a giver? a prophet? a helpmeet?" type stuff.